Short letter

Dear Universe,

I am well aware of the fact that ever single human being is actually alone through their suffering, happiness, and eventually death. This is why I’m asking you to prevent people from acting like they care or have any intentions to be there for other people when they obviously don’t.

Honestly, it’s disappointing and useless and we should stop doing that. Thank you very much.

Yours sincerely,

A human being.

The Decision

I’m confused as hell and all I know is that I want to talk to him, I have to do it. It’s about.. it’s about getting on with my life, nothing else.. I have to give it closure, and I’m thinking of ways I could do that. I didn’t talk to anyone about it cause well, no one would approve and I’m sick of advice and opinions. People know fuck all about how you’re feeling in some situations so nevermind them and their thoughts when they can hardly relate to anything that’s been happening to you.

That’s the reason I’ll just go on with it without saying a word to anyone, and yes, I’m scared and had some panic attacks cause this has taken over my head seriously over the past days, it probably added to the shitty mood I’ve been in and.. Yeah, I felt I was going mad looking at two pictures with two completely different persons and trying to make connections.

Funny how the human brain works – if it believes something is real, then that’s all that exists. I dunno, it’s so.. easy to influence.. Everything happens only in our brains, that’s all we know, not the reality. We have no clue about the reality. For example I thought someone for someone else for almost 2 years and now I find it impossible to switch figures and replace that person with.. who he really is. It’s just .. it can’t be, it’s like a massive virus that I can’t get rid of without reinstalling Windows, and my brain is obviously not an operating system. That’s the thing with computers, they’re human-like but have something humans don’t. They can start over..

SO yeah, I’ll just do it, there’s no turning back. I wonder if He would understand, if I told him.. Well, I obviously won’t, but still.. would he be mad? disappointed.. or jealous? Would he think I’m crazy? Most people would think I am, but I’m a bit like those characters in horror movies who just follow the voices and open doors without thinking they might get killed. Except I know I won’t get killed – he’s not THAT psycho. That’s why I say people don’t know shit about this story – everyone believes he’s dangerous but he’s not. He could never be – I know him. Or at least, I know what he’s up to and capable of..

May be weird, but I’ll do it, I’ve been pondering too much over it and I reached a conclusion.

Signs

It is my belief that we should believe in signs. You know that ‘everything happens for a reason’ thing? It’s something we should all believe in.. at least, that’s how I feel about it. Now I said this about me before, I’m a strongly convinced Atheist so I don’t mean that like it has something to do with divinity, no. I’m thinking about the Universe, the energies, and just everything we cannot explain.. In our worthless, insignificant lives, everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe in coincidences cause they’re awfully odd, I think there’s more to them. I also don’t believe in deja-vu’s, but I’m a bit paranoid like that ever since I discovered the idea that the human race evolved as a result of an experiment made 3 million years ago.

Anyway, my point is, I mind any kind of signs, except for the ‘divine’ ones having to do with religious matters, I just hate those. That being said, I’ll get where I wanted to in the first place – Zodiac signs.. Yes, yes, I believe in them. I know many people think it’s utter shit that can’t be proven and so on and I won”t contradict them – I never really cared about the scientific aspect of this field, I just find it interesting and to some extent, true. ZODIAC SIGNS, not the horoscope, I that’s rubbish in my opinion.

According to the European zodiac (cause that’s what I’m interested in), I’m an Aquarius. I won’t list all the characteristics of this sign here but I fit in quite well, except for a few small things. Also, I’m fairly familiar with all the twelve of them, more or less. I actually got to that point that when I meet someone new I usually ask them their sign and it helps a bit. I’m not biased towards it but still, it’s great help when you wanna understand people’s behaviour to the fullest (and I always want to know more and more about it, I get annoying at times). I find it funny that those who don’t believe in it just can’t predict anything whereas I act all ‘ I know you’re on about’ after I get their sign. Again, I’m not saying it’s real story or proven in any way cause I don’t know, but whatever they did, they got many things right, I tell you. You’d be amazed if you’re a non-believer, it’s a better bet than the God thing. :)

Opinion on modesty

Ah, show-offs.. gotta love them! Just talked to someone who named 19 books as their ‘favourites’. I mean, don’t get me wrong, reading is great, and books (some) are wonderful, but 19?! I mean honestly, NINETEEN FAVOURITE BOOKS? Of course it may be this or it may be that the person has yet to figure out what the word favourite refers to. No mate, it’s not every single book you found delightful or could read thoroughly, nor is it all the books you’ve ever laid hands on. It’s the *few* ones that changed your existence, had a major impact on the way you saw things, or made you have revelations or nightmares or think about something for days.

Now, if the number of books that changed your life is nineteen.. Well then, oh my, what can I say? You must be a fair confused chap and I’m sorry for you. And don’t get me wrong, I know how hard it is to decide on just a few things like favourite songs from your favourite artist or favourite movies when you’ve seen thousands, but even so, in my opinion the list should not be longer than.. I don’t know, say 6? 6 books? I repeat, don’t think about stuff you just liked.

Up to a point, you can say it’s hard to choose cause they may be totally different, like fantasy, biographies, whatever you like to read, but when someone asks you what are the best ones and you name so many for me is just another way of saying ‘I read a lot’. Actually, implying you read a lot, which is way worse. I have no problem with people just admitting stuff, like .. ‘I know way more quotes than a normal person does’ or ‘I believe I know a lot about a certain field’ or ‘I play the violin very well’, just pointing out your qualities, you know? I like that, people who are aware of what they’re capable of and being confident enough to say it and stand up for it. Modesty is shit, what is it anyway? Just some other form of being humble and coward and ignorant.

Many people, even if deep down they know they’re good at something will probably say they’re average or ‘not that good’ when they’re asked by someone else. Think about how many people would answer ‘Yes’ without hesitation to the question ‘Do you think you’re smart?’ .. Very few, I tell you. And why?! Cause it’s easier than living with the responsibility of having made their skills acknowledged, than having to prove it and stand up for their affirmation. Which is pathetic, by the way.

That’s the reason most people would just rather imply stuff – make it public but at the same time making sure that if at some point they don’t feel good enough, they can always say ‘hey, I never said that about myself.’ It’s, again, so human-ish and shallow it pisses me off. So yeah, this is what annoyed me today – showing off by using cheap tricks like implying stuff to make people admire you/like you/think more of you. Way to go, humble creatures!

Some more ranting

I’ve had some health problems lately which have actually resulted in me doing something productive for my brain, something I’d wanted to do in a long time. Basically, I just isolated myself and watched about 4 documentaries and 2 movies a day. Yes, yes, that is possible. If you get outta the room only when you need to go pee or grab a snack, it is possible. And it’s gold for the brain. In this intoxicated world.. it’s like living in the mountains for a month eating nothing but harvested food.

It does have some drawbacks though. I eventually had to get out of this blissful state and get back to.. go figure, the real world. Now THAT was horrifying. I am utterly fed up with all these trivial things that surround me, it is d-i-s-g-u-s-t-i-n-g. I’m starting to believe there’s some area in my brain that records rubbish-no-one-really-needs-but-everyone-seems-to-love and I feel that area’s overloading as I speak. I just can’t take it anymore. I wanna go to another country, another continent, I’m willing to give away all the technology I have hold of in exchange of Life. Pure, raw, life indeed. I need that.

It also bothers me that people who really have no clue what my mind is about (not cause I’m incredibly smart, but cause they’re unbelievably stupid) have the nerve to think I’m arrogant or that I feel superior to them. Well.. amazingly, I do feel I’m above 80% of the population, and they should have the decency to feel inferior to smart, thinking people, but obviously they’re too ignorant to see that.  They think admitting someone’s better than them is humiliating, whoa. But anyway, my hatred for stupidity has again gone too far.

I feel saturated by the media, the ads, the songs that would make any reasonable person’s ears bleed, the cheap brainwashing methods from hypermarkets to global rubbish that actually succeed in manipulating most of us.. And you’d think locking yourself up and refusing to talk to anyone is abnormal. I might be paranoid or over-thinking stuff but if I am it’s only because I believe someone in this world has to do the thinking, even if it’s only a tenth of the 7 billions, if the rest won’t.

I know it’s not very pleasant to read someone’s rants but that’s why I made this thing – its role is to bear with everything that goes through my mind. And sadly, it’s not exactly what you’d call inspiring, although those documentaries gave a great insight of what I’m truly interested in and I feel up to date with philosophical matters now. I recommend doing this to everyone who wants an escape and can’t afford to go away on vacation. :)

Let.It.Out

I was thinking today that it’s been a ridiculously long time since I last cried. I know it sounds rather pathetic, but what I mean is, it’s been a long time since I got all these memories and fears and stress out. I’m afraid that if I keep it going like I’ll end up having a nervous breakdown at some point, as I never seem to open up enough.

Stephen said that if I can’t cry it’s probably because I don’t need to, but I do actually. I need that a lot, as I’m shit at these yoga, zen things. I just wanna cry everything out but I can’t. Sometimes I may shed a couple of tears of anger but that rarely happens anyway, and it’s not considered crying.

I’m talking about the real mess, the one when you need to be alone with lots of tissues and good music. Maybe some photos too. Or papers. Or virtual saved archive or whatever. Now THAT is the best cure ever. It bloody hurts but you feel such a huge relief afterward. I am one step away from turning into one of those desperate girls who actually make efforts to cry. The lowest I’ve gone so far was to just stare blankly for a few minutes thinking about everything bad/painful/shameful but I felt nothing more than a weird stitch in my chest and shaky hands.

I am under the impression something important happened and that something is what stops me from crying now. You know, like people who suffer traumas then stop speaking or lose their memory. Oh well, I can’t really say I’ve been through that, but God knows (actually not) I haven’t been myself for several days after that last time I cried. Sheesh…

A few months ago I dealt with severe nightmares, and I don’t mean the kinda nightmare when you’re running late for work. Nah. I mean horrible nightmares. Then I went through that ‘trauma’, and I stayed awake for three freaking days cause I was too afraid to go to sleep. Then everything stopped – the nightmares, the crying, everything. It’s like I’ve become numb. No matter how mad or sad I get now I can never let it out and I blame that event for it..

The last time I cried my arse off was somewhere during November of last year. It was when I realised I’d never talk to J again – when I realised he would never come back. Not then, not ever. He just disappeared like.. I don’t know, like you’d never think it can happen. I remember how I read thousands of texts and archives and letters and it hurt like hell but as hard as it is talking about it now (which I never do by the way..) I don’t feel like crying at all. It’s.. I don’t know, it’s gone. It’s all gone, ha. As funny and absurd it may sound.

So, yeah.. I haven’t cried in a while. Six months now? Damn, that’s a long time for a girl.

Conflicts

Conflicts.. don’t we just love them? If we could watch any day of our lives the way we watch movies (another thing we seem to worship as well), I think we’d actually end up feeling pity for the human race whose reputation we constantly ruin with all the useless stuff we do.

Think about all the stupid reasons that make us pollute the universe with bad thoughts and energy. It is hilarious. Throughout my life, I’ve noticed a fair amount people didn’t seem to like me, and that is fine by me. Plus, I find it absolutely pointless to respond to a conflict.  Really, why would you do that? .. To prove you’re better? Well guess what, if you insult back and reply to all the nonsense there’s no way on earth you’ll ever be better. Not to you, not to anyone else.

Besides, the ones who start conflicts, obviously think that you’re wrong/stupid/arrogant/whatever and want you to replace your point of view with theirs. Keep it between me and you, this form of inducing an idea actually means the person badly needs acceptance and acknowledge from others because they don’t trust themselves enough. Needless to say it’s the stupidest way to try to dominate, but oh well, long live ignorance.

Have you noticed there are some people who just seem to NEED to argue? I know quite a few. They always seem to have something against .. everything. And this is why they do it – cause they seek approval. The more you try to impose an idea, the more unsure you are it is true. Think about it – there are times when you are 100% positive about something and if anyone wants to say the opposite you really refuse to engage in the conversation, like ‘I won’t even bother explaining this to you.’ Now, THAT is the right attitude. Besides if you think it through, why do you need them to think the same as you?

I would hate it if everyone thought like me. So what if they’re wrong? Fuck em, what do you care?

I tried dealing with people’s anger in every way I could. Sometimes it takes unearthly efforts to put up with it, but it’s worth it. I’ve found the best way to dominate an argument (cause that’s what we seem to want eventually) and prove we are better is to ignore it. Just pretend it didn’t happen. Smile. DO NOT say a word! Trust me, this is like the best recipe ever to shut people’s mouth. Action through non-action, that’s one of the most useful Taoist teachings. The Chinese got it right.

It will drive them crazy, but that’s not what we want (or at least, that’s not what we SHOULD want) – what really matters is that it will make them face their selves. They’ll be forced to look inside and do some introspection, even involuntarily. Then something will tell them they’re wrong, and they’ll try to make that uncomfortable feeling go by yelling/insulting/sending more texts/calling more, etc. Anything it takes for you to respond and feed their frustrations. But DON’T DO IT.

Sometimes I feel bad for the people I love when I see them get mad and I just choose not to react, cause they often think I don’t care enough or don’t love them or I’m ignorant or whatever. I don’t mind that. The key is to feel relief when they get that bad energy poisoning their brain out, and don’t fight it. You’ll only make things worse, so let them say what they want and listen to them, cause that’s their raw self speaking. Take advantage of it and try to help them later, or if you don’t wanna do that, take advantage of it and remember their weaknesses. Anyhow, feel their relief and look at it as a good thing instead of being offended or feeling disappointed.

We should never feel ‘disappointed’ in others, that’s another stupid concept people invented to make others do what they want them to do, some sort of subtle blackmail. For example – I am disappointed you didn’t remember I had an exam today. Why should they anyway? We are in-di-vi-du-als, which means our actions and thoughts are unique and we sort them and use them the way we want to. We are not related to each other, although sometimes it bloody looks like it.

My point is.. feel good, accept others being angry, understand that as a natural reaction, and listen to whatever they’re saying. At least you know for sure they’re being honest in those moments.

Daily mess

I have had quite enough of girls these days.. I myself am a girl and I swear I don’t understand how they can be like that. I’m talking about all those idiots that feel that the more make-up they wear the prettier they get. The fewer the clothes, the more attractive they think they are. Of course it’s always easier to show your arse than to actually use your brain to look hot, but really why doesn’t ANYONE give a damn about the brains nowadays?

I’ve had enough of these retards who feel above everyone just cause they have spent an hour of their useless lives in front of the mirror to look like a fucking clown. Cause that’s what they look like. I swear if I were a guy I couldn’t even think about liking a girl like that, I mean what’s wrong with you people, you can’t even guess their natural hair colour or face. In my opinion, women should look natural, just like men do, just like everything should be for that matter. Natural.

We got so used to faking everything, from faking we give a damn, we fake relationships, work, smiles, jewelleries, wood, we fake popular stuff like iPhones and computers and famous clothing brands, and now we even fake our fucking looks.  This is so wrong, and the fact that no one cares it’s wrong is just too much.

Oh, speaking of alarming stuff we don’t give a fuck about. Global warming, recycling, animals and plants soon to be gone forever cause no one can’t be bothered, the fact that a quarter of the globe’s population is addicted to cigarette smoking or drugs or alcohol (REALLY, PEOPLE?), technology gone mad, black holes, parallel universes, running out of water, running out of oil, running out of .. NATURE.

We’re fucking running out of nature and no one gives a damn. We instead make movies about it. Lots and lots of films that people pay to go see and then feel illuminated and talk about it for about 10 minutes until they get busy struggling to eat that extra-large McDonald’s meal.

I don’t know why I bother thinking about all these things really. I’m a girl, I could find better things to do. I could just go put 2.3 tones of make-up on my face, dye my hair in 4 colours, put on a belt, make people believe it’s a skirt and get lots of guys and pictures and live a happy life.

Sometimes I wish I could do that, cause as someone 300 years ago said : ‘Ignorance is bliss.’ It really is.

I remember having this conversation with someone and he asked me ‘Would you really wanna be like them though?’ .. Uhm, let’s put it this way. If I were like them, without knowing I’m.. like them, yes. If I were to choose between being born like them (an idiot) or like I am now, I’d choose the first one. It’s way easier, and no one gives a damn anyway, right? So why not?

Might as well stop the wounds in my brain that I have now for seeing all this rubbish we somehow grow complacent with.

Impressions

I have tons of notebooks. White paper, blue paper, orange paper, old paper. Small notebooks, thin, big, coloured, striped, blank. All kinds of covers.. All kinds of notebooks from all kinds of people. Most of them were gifts (including two beautiful diaries), some of them I just bought cause I liked the designs..

Thing is, I never used them, never wrote a thing. I’m always trying to find uses for all of them but I can’t, I have nothing to say or write down. Whenever I feel inspired, I just spill everything in a Notepad page on my computer and that’s all. I could never write, I can barely express my feelings towards people. Of course, that’s not weird, what’s funny though is that I seem to think I’m very transparent. If you asked me, I let everyone know what my exact feelings are and what I think. I honestly don’t know how I could open up more than I do, but still everyone keeps telling me I’m distant and unpredictable.

That never bothered me until today, when one of the three people I tell everything to said that. THEN it really pissed me off.

I wish I knew what part of anything I say or do makes people think that about me. It’s true I’m not a hugger, or the best arse-kisser in the world. I can’t fake smiles or act like I care when I really don’t, but I’m very sympathetic to people around me and try not to be hurt them even when my brain’s boiling. I guess that’s not enough though. I need to do more in order to avoid being thought of as ‘VERY pent-up when it comes to feelings.’

Seriously, Bob?! Seriously?! I really didn’t need that. That’s why I turned into a massive twat, but then I apologized. And I really don’t do that often. I even got to that utterly stupid point where I told you ‘tell me what you need to know and I’ll say it’. Like anyone would like to hear that. I’m intrigued and human relationships can get quite confusing.

Not the end..

The world’s always on the move. Everywhere around the globe, people leave. They get promoted, get jobs, go to schools, their families drag them away and so on.. And they leave others who love them behind. I wish you understood that. I wish I could talk to you about how I see this whole thing and maybe you wouldn’t be so depressed then, but you refuse to let me in, and I am sick of trying.

I know I’m not the one who’s being left behind, and to be honest the line between pointing out the facts and being a twat is very fine in this situation. I don’t know if I have any right at all to talk about this so naturally. I don’t know how you feel. It just drives me crazy to see how you constantly drive this subject to the point that I feel so bloody guilty and I am literally left speechless. Yesterday you said ‘I guess that moment when we’ll be together all the time will never come, aye?‘ .. It hit me out of nowhere. Just like that. And I couldn’t utter a word cause of that guilt that suffocated me. That was all I could feel..

You take it as I am being the one who’s leaving YOU when it’s actually me going away cause I have to. Staying was never an option. I see you the way I thought I never will, cause all you taught me.. All these things that I learned from YOU and make me feel better now.. Gee, it’s like you’ve forgot everything. And the worst thing is that I can’t say anything. I can’t talk you out of it. I can’t say ‘You’re being utterly irrational and over-depressed, get better, think it through, find a solution and stop being miserable.’ cause that would make me a twat. Like, I’m the cause of it and I’m telling you to move on..?

This is the last thing I wanted to happen – you thinking I have no consideration for our relationship. Cause I fucking do, I love you. And the reason I’m not crying and counting the months till it’s gonna happen is because I don’t see it like you do. I see a future. You see the ending. I refuse to let anything get between us as long as I still have feelings for you, and I want you to come with me eventually. I wanna spend all my holidays with you and be there, with you.

If only I could tell you these things without looking into your eyes feeling like the biggest knob ever. Now everytime we see each other and I’m about to leave I’m expecting you to say something related to that, that will just add up to my already huge guilt. Our communication is practically zero when it comes to this subject and if anything, I know I’m not the one to blame for that. At least for that..