One day, I will jump so high to actually reach the ceiling of this room I’ve been starting at for so long.
One day, I will be able to play a whole Chopin piece on the piano.
One day, I will see New York.
One day, I will get so drunk that I won’t remember anything, but that will only be with the right people at the right time.
One day, I will have the right people next to me, all of them, at the very right time.
One day, I will have my own money and live on my own and be just fine.
One day, I will forget him completely, and fall in love again without even realising.
One day, I will get a license and after I’ve seen New York, I will drive my way through the US.
One day, I will lose some more weight and look perfect, as now I’m just ‘alrite’.
One day, but not today. Today I’m fine the way I am, the way everything is. And I swear I would only need a couple of things more for it to be perfect, but I know that can’t be possible, so I’m happy as it is. I’m making plans and hoping that one day ..
PS: This song I posted, yes, J. it bloody reminds me of you, but I don’t care anymore, cause I love it. I love a lot of songs that remind me of you. And I won’t spend the rest of my life regretting I didn’t go to Reading that summer two years ago and remembering how you used to sing ‘You gotta be stronger than the story.’ Well I am now. I’m stronger than the story.
Well, I’m fairly pissed off today. Besides the fact that I spent half of the day doing something I didn’t want to, I had the stupidest argument with someone who is very dear to me. What’s the worst though, is that I don’t know where it came from.
There’s times like these I realize how relationships can easily be ruined, friendships can be broken and so on. Nothing really matters or lasts in life, we just feel that it does for a short, insignificant amount of time until something changes then it’s all gone. Words like ‘forever’ and ‘never’ should not exist when it comes to human-ish things, we should not be allowed to use them for we know fuck all about their meanings. We’re just worthless pathetic creatures. We are nothing compared to.. well, anything: time, space, the universe, even OUR bloody planet. We think we’re important but in fact, we aren’t. Everyday stuff keeps us busy, makes us forget what and who we are, and that we aren’t gonna stick around much longer.
There’s times like these, when from a silly argument I come to blame human race, including myself, for being so ridiculously stupid and absurd. I know we should not have the so-called ‘expectations’, that we should not expect people to react the way we want them to because they have a whole other way of thinking, they are unpredictable and most of the times illogical in their actions. I know that every disappointment others bring us is actually our mind being let down cause of something it itself created, and I know there is no one to blame but our selves, or in this case, my self. My self for being so ignorant and arrogant, for thinking drawing plans of the future is like drawing an apple. For not realising there is no tiny reason, not even one, why others should do what I would do.
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You know what sucks big time? When someone says something… when someone says something and you have no idea what to answer. It’s when they say something and it confuses the shit outta you and you’re just sat there with literally nothing to say, hoping they would add something or let it go, but they usually don’t. Hell no, they don’t.And then you have to think of three things. One is what on the world made them say that, try to understand them. Second one is how it makes you feel, and third one is what you should say. Isn’t that hard? I feel it is. I feel it’s bloody hard and there’s only so many people who care about that..
This post is gonna be a bit random kinda reflecting my thoughts. First of all, I have to say I completely reject the ‘optimistic-pessimistic’ comparison. That does not exist, but instead there are people who reason, and people who are not capable of this ‘superior’ cognitive function that our brain seems to posses (yeah, no kidding, studies have shown!)
Secondly, I know I’m not supposed to start all my sentences with ‘I hate’, ‘I can’t stand’ and so on, but really, it’s not me who’s overreacting, it is most people’s fault for being so bloody stupid! Now of course, everyone has got 2 options: they either try to accept everything in order to be relaxed and wise and blissful (I’m planning to get there in 20-30 years), or they keep on hating and being shocked and disgusted by the rubbish surrounding them (which is what I do, considering the fact that I’m still 18, still stupid, still impulsive, still rebellious).
Therefore, considering the fact that I have decided I shall choose the hater’s way and exposed my ever-so-wise reasons, time for some more discriminating, mean posts.
Theorem. Some people can be replaced, some people can’t.
Proof: Supposing someone you love walks out of your life, or moves away, or dies. Anyhow, they disappear, and you don’t want them to. At least at the beginning, if not for the rest of their lives, people will try to bring back their memory or compare others with them, even unconsciously. Sometimes, we can be reminded of a loved one just by seeing a stranger wearing their hair like them, or hearing they like the same sport, or that particular band. I assume everyone has that – that one person they would get back in a blink of an eye. Thing is.. I’m not sure how many people are really irreplaceable. Well of course, I don’t mean it like you could actually get an identical copy of that person, but some people are.. well, they’re bloody average, let’s be honest.
I’m talking about the things they do and say, but mostly, about the things they THINK. For example, I love, eh, quite a few people, but of all of them, there are only two that could hardly be compared to anyone else. The rest of them are great but they’re not, let’s say, amazingly special. You’re not special for liking some good movies, or great songs, or having blue eyes, or cooking for your family, or ringing your wife/boyfriend/whatever everyday, no. None of these things make you special, they just make you unique, and that’s not worth shit cause everyone is unique. Not everyone’s special though, that’s what I’m trying to say.
Special is having abilities that not many people have, that’s what makes you irreplaceable in my opinion. Not many people have a sense of humour (although many think they do, you’re either born with it or not and most aren’t), not many people can play the flute or the violin, not many people can skate like crazy, not many people can write literature, not many people can talk in 3 different languages.. Of course the examples could go on forever, what I’m trying to say is, you can replace someone who’s taking you to the movies every friday and buys you chocolate whenever you meet and likes the same music as you. That’s very simple.
The ones who are really irreplaceable are the ones who have a range of abilities you could spend a lifetime looking for in others. The ones who blow you away and don’t even try to. There are few persons in the world who can do that, in my opinion. I’m not one of them, that’s for sure, and that’s why I’m glad to have met a couple.
Oh, and as an advice .. Try to ponder a bit over the qualities and flaws someone has before you lose precious time of your life feeling sorry they’re gone. Just saying, they may not be that ‘special’.
For some unknown reason I remembered about a post, and a comment two years ago. This is the post.. I decided I should import three significant articles from August, 2009 from my old-currently-hidden blog as that was the time when everything started changing, so there it is, in the archive on the right.
PS: I know we are supposed to go forward, not backwards.. But something keeps dragging me behind and I’m not that strong.
I have had quite enough of girls these days.. I myself am a girl and I swear I don’t understand how they can be like that. I’m talking about all those idiots that feel that the more make-up they wear the prettier they get. The fewer the clothes, the more attractive they think they are. Of course it’s always easier to show your arse than to actually use your brain to look hot, but really why doesn’t ANYONE give a damn about the brains nowadays?
I’ve had enough of these retards who feel above everyone just cause they have spent an hour of their useless lives in front of the mirror to look like a fucking clown. Cause that’s what they look like. I swear if I were a guy I couldn’t even think about liking a girl like that, I mean what’s wrong with you people, you can’t even guess their natural hair colour or face. In my opinion, women should look natural, just like men do, just like everything should be for that matter. Natural.
We got so used to faking everything, from faking we give a damn, we fake relationships, work, smiles, jewelleries, wood, we fake popular stuff like iPhones and computers and famous clothing brands, and now we even fake our fucking looks. This is so wrong, and the fact that no one cares it’s wrong is just too much.
Oh, speaking of alarming stuff we don’t give a fuck about. Global warming, recycling, animals and plants soon to be gone forever cause no one can’t be bothered, the fact that a quarter of the globe’s population is addicted to cigarette smoking or drugs or alcohol (REALLY, PEOPLE?), technology gone mad, black holes, parallel universes, running out of water, running out of oil, running out of .. NATURE.
We’re fucking running out of nature and no one gives a damn. We instead make movies about it. Lots and lots of films that people pay to go see and then feel illuminated and talk about it for about 10 minutes until they get busy struggling to eat that extra-large McDonald’s meal.
I don’t know why I bother thinking about all these things really. I’m a girl, I could find better things to do. I could just go put 2.3 tones of make-up on my face, dye my hair in 4 colours, put on a belt, make people believe it’s a skirt and get lots of guys and pictures and live a happy life.
Sometimes I wish I could do that, cause as someone 300 years ago said : ‘Ignorance is bliss.’ It really is.
I remember having this conversation with someone and he asked me ‘Would you really wanna be like them though?’ .. Uhm, let’s put it this way. If I were like them, without knowing I’m.. like them, yes. If I were to choose between being born like them (an idiot) or like I am now, I’d choose the first one. It’s way easier, and no one gives a damn anyway, right? So why not?
Might as well stop the wounds in my brain that I have now for seeing all this rubbish we somehow grow complacent with.
The world’s always on the move. Everywhere around the globe, people leave. They get promoted, get jobs, go to schools, their families drag them away and so on.. And they leave others who love them behind. I wish you understood that. I wish I could talk to you about how I see this whole thing and maybe you wouldn’t be so depressed then, but you refuse to let me in, and I am sick of trying.
I know I’m not the one who’s being left behind, and to be honest the line between pointing out the facts and being a twat is very fine in this situation. I don’t know if I have any right at all to talk about this so naturally. I don’t know how you feel. It just drives me crazy to see how you constantly drive this subject to the point that I feel so bloody guilty and I am literally left speechless. Yesterday you said ‘I guess that moment when we’ll be together all the time will never come, aye?‘ .. It hit me out of nowhere. Just like that. And I couldn’t utter a word cause of that guilt that suffocated me. That was all I could feel..
You take it as I am being the one who’s leaving YOU when it’s actually me going away cause I have to. Staying was never an option. I see you the way I thought I never will, cause all you taught me.. All these things that I learned from YOU and make me feel better now.. Gee, it’s like you’ve forgot everything. And the worst thing is that I can’t say anything. I can’t talk you out of it. I can’t say ‘You’re being utterly irrational and over-depressed, get better, think it through, find a solution and stop being miserable.’ cause that would make me a twat. Like, I’m the cause of it and I’m telling you to move on..?
This is the last thing I wanted to happen – you thinking I have no consideration for our relationship. Cause I fucking do, I love you. And the reason I’m not crying and counting the months till it’s gonna happen is because I don’t see it like you do. I see a future. You see the ending. I refuse to let anything get between us as long as I still have feelings for you, and I want you to come with me eventually. I wanna spend all my holidays with you and be there, with you.
If only I could tell you these things without looking into your eyes feeling like the biggest knob ever. Now everytime we see each other and I’m about to leave I’m expecting you to say something related to that, that will just add up to my already huge guilt. Our communication is practically zero when it comes to this subject and if anything, I know I’m not the one to blame for that. At least for that..
Squeaky Voices and Creaking Floors 