You know, there’s a point after every relationship when it all sorta comes back to haunt you, and the weird thing isn’t that it does, but that it comes back later than you’d expect. What bothers me is that it comes uninvited, and lingers on until you finally gather all the resources to kick it out of your head.
It happened to me the other day, I remembered a pair of slippers that I left at his house and I wondered what had happened to them, then I remembered everything. That made me wonder where all those things had gone before that moment, as I tried as much as I could to throw them in the backest of my memory. I can’t say it was a pleasant feeling but I didn’t feel overwhelmed with sadness either. I would imagine most people would be devastated when that moment comes and they realize nothing will ever be like that again, ever. It’s well hard to bring closure to something so important, that’s true, but to be honest it was rather a mixture of ‘I shouldn’t be doing this‘ and ‘it sets me free‘. Like when you scratch and you know you shouldn’t but it feels good.
It took me about an hour to reminisce all the important stuff, I’m sure it would’ve taken days if I tried to bring back everything, but I think what I did was enough.. thing is, I had a feeling after all this happened which I never had before. I didn’t miss him. I didn’t want to get back together or see him or hear him, not even hear him laugh. Actually, I realized how inappropriate the relationship was, how different we were and how I should’ve never settled for that, now that I’ve seen the reverse of the medal. Then I was glad I had the strength to end it, and I must admit I’m well proud of myself for that.
You know, I’ve got a friend who’s in a relationship for almost two years now and the whole thing is miserable. She constantly feels awful and treats him badly, he can’t find any motivation and acts like a twat most of the times. The classic destructive relationship that leaves you wrecked up when you get out of it. The reason why I mention this is because my friend always encouraged me to do the best for me, be selfish and take risks. She encouraged my decision to walk out of the broken relationship I had, although that made me suffer a great deal when it happened, but we both agreed it was for the best. She’s seen my lowest low and my highest high so far, and I’m guessing it’s quite obvious that the High is worth the Low I’ve been through… She said she was proud of me for making that decision not a second later than I should’ve. I did it when I felt I had to walk out, and I never looked back, no matter how hard it’s been for me.
I wish I could say the same about her. I wish everyone had the strength to do this, no matter their ages, financial status and so on. If something isn’t what you want it to be anymore and it’s not up to you to change it, WALK OUT. Honestly. Just leave it.. a life is not worth all this damage for nothing. And this is just one of the revelations I had after remembering a (hi)story of three years. It has actually been a constructive experience after all..
How much worse things can get. I made my two best friends break up today, cause of something I said.. She told me something about him that she was not supposed to say but I didn’t know it was meant to be a secret. So I just figured I should leave him a nice message and a nice video and try to cheer him up cause of what had happened.. But he got angry cause I knew, and he took it all out on her, and now they broke up.
Honestly, can I be more useless than this? Not only do I make myself constantly go through hell, but now I managed to somehow destroy other people’s relationship cause I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Well, it’s not like I did it on purpose but still, I’m the one to blame..
And now of course, as I was feeling like shit trying to explain stuff to both sides, I remembered of all the other things that made my life a living hell these past weeks. Or should I say PEOPLE? I guess that’s the way it goes in the end. Some people hurt other people then those other people go and mess things up for other people and so on. Humanity, thank you for all you’ve given me. Now I can really say ‘fuck my life’ without any trace of irony. Fuck it.
How hard is it actually, for the psychologist to become the patient? How long, and how hard, and how much does it take? What if one falls in love with their patient, suppose that patient is all they could ever wish for, suppose it’s a great patient. Maybe he isn’t even sick, say he’s there for other reasons. What if he never gets well though? What if he disappears and she cannot accept that she couldn’t cure him, that she wasn’t all he needed. That she needed him but he needed something else.
What if, at that point when the patient goes away, she herself becomes him. What if she loses her bloody mind.
I get the feeling more and more that this is how I will be for the rest of my life. This is how I’ve always been.. I see no reason why things would be different in the future. The official definition for Kamikaze is someone who is willing to lose their life to commit a terrorist attack in the name of a strong belief, such as religion. I have a definition of my own though.. and that is, someone who is willing to risk their safety or sanity to get involved in something inappropriate, useless, dangerous or prone to produce great emotional pain, for ABSOLUTELY no decent reason.
That’s how I am. Ever since I’ve known myself, I’ve always got into the stupidest and complicated situations and always had to squeeze my brains out to find a solution, or to get better. It’s like.. tell me something that sounds impossible and it will attract me so much that I will do my best to be part of it. I’ve never planned it to be like that, I just get too emotionally involved or care too much about people.. I can’t just abandon someone I care about. I thought about that so many times, but as time went by it got harder and harder to just walk out of it, leave him. Pretend I’ve never met him, never loved him. He did it though, so now I wish I had had the strength.. Anyway, I guess lots of people do that.
It just HAS to get complicated, doesn’t it? Some people just aren’t happy if things are too okay and easy to deal with. They need complications, adventure, taking risks, and they will find any excuses possible to have that. ‘My relationship at the moment is boring.’ ‘He doesn’t understand me.’ ‘I need a change.’ ‘I’ve always wanted to live there actually!’ ‘It can’t be that bad!’ … These are just regular excuses, not to mention sayings such as ‘If it feels good, it can’t be that bad.‘ or ‘I’d rather regret something I’ve done than something I haven’t.’
All these sayings and ideas have just encouraged me for so many years to do the most foolish things one could, because I’m impulsive and because I don’t realize what the implications are. I always realize when it’s already too late, this is why I believe I’m a ‘kamikaze’. Is someone too far? too fucked-up-in-the-brain? impossible to be with? Cool, then why shouldn’t I madly fall in love with them, spend a couple of years loving them, then another couple of years regretting I ever did? Cool indeed, that’s exactly what I’ll do.
Is someone an outsider? a social-reject? Someone with a major flaw or really not good to be around? Great, I’ll make them my friend and care about them way more than I should, then when it gets hard and I always have to be there for them, I’ll just spend time wondering why I got myself into it.
No problem, really. I enjoy doing this.. Sometimes I wonder how no one noticed how massively messed up I am and tried helping ME. That’s maybe because I’m too busy helping others and the only time I have for myself is late at night when I’m trying to sleep and can’t cause of the nightmares and panic attacks. Whenever I feel like that, I tell myself it’s only my fault, I’m the only one to blame for everything that’s happening to me.. J., S., and all the other friends that I love, friends with problems.. I’m really glad to be loving you guys, I’m glad to be helping you whenever I can.. but.. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do this, for I’m going mad myself. And honestly, I don’t think YOU care enough to listen to MY problems. So.. yeah.. kamikaze much?
You know how everyone and everything changes? Well, that is indeed a very well known fact. What’s not that common though is when something changes REALLY quickly, when something unexpected happens and it takes a while just for you to snap out of the shock. I mean like when you lose someone in a matter of minutes. Or when you win the chance to move to another continent. Or when the underground attacks happen. Something which shakes the world, or just YOUR world. It wouldn’t matter which one it is actually, cause if your own world is confusing to you, you cannot understand the outside world either.
So yeah, when your own world becomes a confusing and foreign place, you go through the five stages that I think a lot of people know already, and these are:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
These of course are not 100% likely to happen, for example someone may skip the Anger part or the Bargaining, or the stages may be encountered in a different order.. The time it takes for you to overcome them does not depend on time at all actually. You can be stuck in denial for years. And this is my case. 6 months now, still in denial. They say the first step is recognizing the problem and deciding to do anything to solve it.
Thing is though, I cannot decide whether I want to change it or be stuck in it forever. The shock I experienced was way too much for me to overcome and be like ‘shit happens’. Shit like that is not supposed to happen. But anyway, looking back now I realize I would rather this hadn’t happened – at all. I would rather I hadn’t met that person at all. My mind got utterly messed up and I had no choice in the matter, I just observed how it all happened: memories fading, thoughts being modified, pictures changing and everything just falling apart really. I witnessed my brain being sorta drunk, trying to figure itself out. I have changed a lot since then – I don’t mean it like in, I talk differently or anything on the surface. Just that deep down, I feel quite broken.
I feel there’s something very wrong with my judgement, with the way I feel about other people I meet and talk to. And what really bothers me is that he has no idea what a horrible thing he did..
PS: I wish you would accept that bloody request, I wish I could talk to you. I wish I wish I wish… you weren’t such a twat.
Well, I’m fairly pissed off today. Besides the fact that I spent half of the day doing something I didn’t want to, I had the stupidest argument with someone who is very dear to me. What’s the worst though, is that I don’t know where it came from.
There’s times like these I realize how relationships can easily be ruined, friendships can be broken and so on. Nothing really matters or lasts in life, we just feel that it does for a short, insignificant amount of time until something changes then it’s all gone. Words like ‘forever’ and ‘never’ should not exist when it comes to human-ish things, we should not be allowed to use them for we know fuck all about their meanings. We’re just worthless pathetic creatures. We are nothing compared to.. well, anything: time, space, the universe, even OUR bloody planet. We think we’re important but in fact, we aren’t. Everyday stuff keeps us busy, makes us forget what and who we are, and that we aren’t gonna stick around much longer.
There’s times like these, when from a silly argument I come to blame human race, including myself, for being so ridiculously stupid and absurd. I know we should not have the so-called ‘expectations’, that we should not expect people to react the way we want them to because they have a whole other way of thinking, they are unpredictable and most of the times illogical in their actions. I know that every disappointment others bring us is actually our mind being let down cause of something it itself created, and I know there is no one to blame but our selves, or in this case, my self. My self for being so ignorant and arrogant, for thinking drawing plans of the future is like drawing an apple. For not realising there is no tiny reason, not even one, why others should do what I would do.
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You know what sucks big time? When someone says something… when someone says something and you have no idea what to answer. It’s when they say something and it confuses the shit outta you and you’re just sat there with literally nothing to say, hoping they would add something or let it go, but they usually don’t. Hell no, they don’t.And then you have to think of three things. One is what on the world made them say that, try to understand them. Second one is how it makes you feel, and third one is what you should say. Isn’t that hard? I feel it is. I feel it’s bloody hard and there’s only so many people who care about that..
For some unknown reason I remembered about a post, and a comment two years ago. This is the post.. I decided I should import three significant articles from August, 2009 from my old-currently-hidden blog as that was the time when everything started changing, so there it is, in the archive on the right.
PS: I know we are supposed to go forward, not backwards.. But something keeps dragging me behind and I’m not that strong.
Sometimes I wonder how much it takes for someone to crack up. Eckhart Tolle, a man who has been a great inspiration to me, got to be the wonderful, blissful person he is now specifically cause of suffering too much. After having a horrible life as a teenager, he said the change came in one day. That’s all it took.. Cause he felt he had had enough. He just couldn’t take it anymore, so he made it different once and for all. He believes people will suffer until the pain is literally too much to take, in which case they either end their life or change it completely.
My question is, when do people have enough? Well, of course it’s not a general answer to that but.. what does it take? Illness, problems or.. memories? In my opinion, memories could do it easily, especially cause if your mind is messed up it affects your body as well and you end up being sick. The reason I’m curious about that is that my mental health is going to hell more and more each day, cause of memories and stress. I guess that’s what happens when you let your past take over your life.
I am trying to convince myself that I don’t need counseling, that it will just go away, but I’m not so sure about it now. Instead of getting better I end up bothering nice people with it and RANTING? Honestly, I’m not this person, I hate complaining and telling ‘stories’ about myself, but yesterday was just too much, and I hate how the other people involved in this reacted. I saw no point in taking revenge on him, although I can honestly say I was the most affected by the whole thing.
This is like the biggest paradox I had to face : I call myself a future psychologist and I was not able to accept the idea of someone suffering from a severe mental disorder. Some would see it like a warning, maybe this job will affect me more in the future, but I want to do it anyway. In a weird, sick way, I feel I owe this to him. There were times when I could’ve acted differently but I didn’t and in fact I may have influenced his illness a lot more than I’m aware of, and I pity him.
I would have appreciated if it hadn’t fucked with my brain so much though. That’s the only thing I regret.. The panic attacks, paranoia and the incredibly weird dreams. Oh, and being such a mess that I make people around me sad.. And disappoint them. Way to go, Alex. Way to screw things up again and again and again and congratulations for trusting your amazingly accurate female intuition that almost got you in a mental hospital as well. Preferably other than the Bethlem Royal Hospital though, I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life doing what I did in the past two years.
I’ve had some health problems lately which have actually resulted in me doing something productive for my brain, something I’d wanted to do in a long time. Basically, I just isolated myself and watched about 4 documentaries and 2 movies a day. Yes, yes, that is possible. If you get outta the room only when you need to go pee or grab a snack, it is possible. And it’s gold for the brain. In this intoxicated world.. it’s like living in the mountains for a month eating nothing but harvested food.
It does have some drawbacks though. I eventually had to get out of this blissful state and get back to.. go figure, the real world. Now THAT was horrifying. I am utterly fed up with all these trivial things that surround me, it is d-i-s-g-u-s-t-i-n-g. I’m starting to believe there’s some area in my brain that records rubbish-no-one-really-needs-but-everyone-seems-to-love and I feel that area’s overloading as I speak. I just can’t take it anymore. I wanna go to another country, another continent, I’m willing to give away all the technology I have hold of in exchange of Life. Pure, raw, life indeed. I need that.
It also bothers me that people who really have no clue what my mind is about (not cause I’m incredibly smart, but cause they’re unbelievably stupid) have the nerve to think I’m arrogant or that I feel superior to them. Well.. amazingly, I do feel I’m above 80% of the population, and they should have the decency to feel inferior to smart, thinking people, but obviously they’re too ignorant to see that. They think admitting someone’s better than them is humiliating, whoa. But anyway, my hatred for stupidity has again gone too far.
I feel saturated by the media, the ads, the songs that would make any reasonable person’s ears bleed, the cheap brainwashing methods from hypermarkets to global rubbish that actually succeed in manipulating most of us.. And you’d think locking yourself up and refusing to talk to anyone is abnormal. I might be paranoid or over-thinking stuff but if I am it’s only because I believe someone in this world has to do the thinking, even if it’s only a tenth of the 7 billions, if the rest won’t.
I know it’s not very pleasant to read someone’s rants but that’s why I made this thing – its role is to bear with everything that goes through my mind. And sadly, it’s not exactly what you’d call inspiring, although those documentaries gave a great insight of what I’m truly interested in and I feel up to date with philosophical matters now. I recommend doing this to everyone who wants an escape and can’t afford to go away on vacation. :)
Conflicts.. don’t we just love them? If we could watch any day of our lives the way we watch movies (another thing we seem to worship as well), I think we’d actually end up feeling pity for the human race whose reputation we constantly ruin with all the useless stuff we do.
Think about all the stupid reasons that make us pollute the universe with bad thoughts and energy. It is hilarious. Throughout my life, I’ve noticed a fair amount people didn’t seem to like me, and that is fine by me. Plus, I find it absolutely pointless to respond to a conflict. Really, why would you do that? .. To prove you’re better? Well guess what, if you insult back and reply to all the nonsense there’s no way on earth you’ll ever be better. Not to you, not to anyone else.
Besides, the ones who start conflicts, obviously think that you’re wrong/stupid/arrogant/whatever and want you to replace your point of view with theirs. Keep it between me and you, this form of inducing an idea actually means the person badly needs acceptance and acknowledge from others because they don’t trust themselves enough. Needless to say it’s the stupidest way to try to dominate, but oh well, long live ignorance.
Have you noticed there are some people who just seem to NEED to argue? I know quite a few. They always seem to have something against .. everything. And this is why they do it – cause they seek approval. The more you try to impose an idea, the more unsure you are it is true. Think about it – there are times when you are 100% positive about something and if anyone wants to say the opposite you really refuse to engage in the conversation, like ‘I won’t even bother explaining this to you.’ Now, THAT is the right attitude. Besides if you think it through, why do you need them to think the same as you?
I would hate it if everyone thought like me. So what if they’re wrong? Fuck em, what do you care?
I tried dealing with people’s anger in every way I could. Sometimes it takes unearthly efforts to put up with it, but it’s worth it. I’ve found the best way to dominate an argument (cause that’s what we seem to want eventually) and prove we are better is to ignore it. Just pretend it didn’t happen. Smile. DO NOT say a word! Trust me, this is like the best recipe ever to shut people’s mouth. Action through non-action, that’s one of the most useful Taoist teachings. The Chinese got it right.
It will drive them crazy, but that’s not what we want (or at least, that’s not what we SHOULD want) – what really matters is that it will make them face their selves. They’ll be forced to look inside and do some introspection, even involuntarily. Then something will tell them they’re wrong, and they’ll try to make that uncomfortable feeling go by yelling/insulting/sending more texts/calling more, etc. Anything it takes for you to respond and feed their frustrations. But DON’T DO IT.
Sometimes I feel bad for the people I love when I see them get mad and I just choose not to react, cause they often think I don’t care enough or don’t love them or I’m ignorant or whatever. I don’t mind that. The key is to feel relief when they get that bad energy poisoning their brain out, and don’t fight it. You’ll only make things worse, so let them say what they want and listen to them, cause that’s their raw self speaking. Take advantage of it and try to help them later, or if you don’t wanna do that, take advantage of it and remember their weaknesses. Anyhow, feel their relief and look at it as a good thing instead of being offended or feeling disappointed.
We should never feel ‘disappointed’ in others, that’s another stupid concept people invented to make others do what they want them to do, some sort of subtle blackmail. For example – I am disappointed you didn’t remember I had an exam today. Why should they anyway? We are in-di-vi-du-als, which means our actions and thoughts are unique and we sort them and use them the way we want to. We are not related to each other, although sometimes it bloody looks like it.
My point is.. feel good, accept others being angry, understand that as a natural reaction, and listen to whatever they’re saying. At least you know for sure they’re being honest in those moments.
I have had quite enough of girls these days.. I myself am a girl and I swear I don’t understand how they can be like that. I’m talking about all those idiots that feel that the more make-up they wear the prettier they get. The fewer the clothes, the more attractive they think they are. Of course it’s always easier to show your arse than to actually use your brain to look hot, but really why doesn’t ANYONE give a damn about the brains nowadays?
I’ve had enough of these retards who feel above everyone just cause they have spent an hour of their useless lives in front of the mirror to look like a fucking clown. Cause that’s what they look like. I swear if I were a guy I couldn’t even think about liking a girl like that, I mean what’s wrong with you people, you can’t even guess their natural hair colour or face. In my opinion, women should look natural, just like men do, just like everything should be for that matter. Natural.
We got so used to faking everything, from faking we give a damn, we fake relationships, work, smiles, jewelleries, wood, we fake popular stuff like iPhones and computers and famous clothing brands, and now we even fake our fucking looks. This is so wrong, and the fact that no one cares it’s wrong is just too much.
Oh, speaking of alarming stuff we don’t give a fuck about. Global warming, recycling, animals and plants soon to be gone forever cause no one can’t be bothered, the fact that a quarter of the globe’s population is addicted to cigarette smoking or drugs or alcohol (REALLY, PEOPLE?), technology gone mad, black holes, parallel universes, running out of water, running out of oil, running out of .. NATURE.
We’re fucking running out of nature and no one gives a damn. We instead make movies about it. Lots and lots of films that people pay to go see and then feel illuminated and talk about it for about 10 minutes until they get busy struggling to eat that extra-large McDonald’s meal.
I don’t know why I bother thinking about all these things really. I’m a girl, I could find better things to do. I could just go put 2.3 tones of make-up on my face, dye my hair in 4 colours, put on a belt, make people believe it’s a skirt and get lots of guys and pictures and live a happy life.
Sometimes I wish I could do that, cause as someone 300 years ago said : ‘Ignorance is bliss.’ It really is.
I remember having this conversation with someone and he asked me ‘Would you really wanna be like them though?’ .. Uhm, let’s put it this way. If I were like them, without knowing I’m.. like them, yes. If I were to choose between being born like them (an idiot) or like I am now, I’d choose the first one. It’s way easier, and no one gives a damn anyway, right? So why not?
Might as well stop the wounds in my brain that I have now for seeing all this rubbish we somehow grow complacent with.
Squeaky Voices and Creaking Floors 