Vicious Circle

“Getting angry releases an enzyme… tryptophan hydroxylase… which can temporarily reduce the I.Q”

Well, I hope I don’t make you stupid

When I make you angry.

Cause you don’t realise

That I am only angry

When you’re temporarily stupid.

On leaving

I just remembered you’re leaving tomorrow and I know it’s just a few days, but that also made me remember this line I heard in a film ages ago, a girl saying ‘I’m sick of people leaving.’ I remember I too said this to someone ages ago and they actually believed me which I found rather amusing cause it wasn’t true and they knew me better. I’m not sick of anyone leaving cause I haven’t really experienced loads of people leaving. That was usually my thing to do, and I’m afraid it still is. To be fair it does get quite exhausting, I think there might be some sort of threshold to changes and when you’ve had too many you just wanna freeze yourself and everything and stop. I think that’s what I have now, but I wish I could freeze last year, which is even more utopic.

Honestly. I opened my window and it started raining. This is the view I have and it never gets more interesting than this.

Growing up.

Alright, so there’s the past, on the left. The present, in the middle. And the future, on the right. Two directions where you could go but you can’t actually cause you’re stuck in the present, whether you want it or not. Everything on the left has ceased to exist, nothing on the right has ever existed yet.

Then there’s this infinite loop, this wormhole, this something-that-scientists-cannot-explain, starting from X which is NOW, and going back to something that stopped existing a long time ago. This ‘I-don’t-know-why-I-did-it’, this ‘I-want-to-feel-your-skin’, this ‘Where-the-fuck-is-everything-I-knew’, and I am stuck there.. now. And have been for quite a while and even more since I talked to you the other day. If I were religious, I would say it was God’s help. If I believed in miracles, that would be one, and if I were completely honest, I would’ve thanked you, and thanked you, and thanked you.

Sitting here on a chair that’s miles away from you, I realised both how amazing you were and how we could’ve never been together..happily. I still can’t believe how with every word you said you made me feel better and I kept crying and literally felt the pain like some sorta energy leaving my body. The things you said made me see everything differently and although I am happy with myself and all, I am utterly miserable that you, my dear.. you are unreachable. I made you unreachable.

You could’ve been a room away and I made you unreachable. And the fool in me is disappointed, but I guess I was not-fool enough to choose you in the beginning. And there was the beginning, and there was the end, and nothing will compare to that cause there’s no time and I’ve learnt too much and saw too many things to go back to how I was 4 years ago.

I don’t know if I miss you, or just my teen years and that summer three years ago with you in the park wearing that green shirt. You know that I love you. What you don’t know though, is that.. I STILL love you..

 

 

THE midnight thought

“Oh just remember the telephones, well they’re working in both ways
but if I never ever hear them ring,
If nothing else I’ll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that’s okay,
Cause I’ll remember everything you sang.”

I know that like an unspoken rule, we’re not supposed to talk every so often, not supposed to say a lot of things about our lives now or bring back a lot of memories. Basically not supposed to do or say anything we want to, cause we both know how that would backfire.
I should be happy with 5 lines from time to time, and you shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t think of you, and you shouldn’t be sad cause it’s just 5 lines from time to time. But we both know this connection of ours goes beyond the time we spent apart , the distance that separates us now and all those words that should’ve never been said. And yes, the telephone stopped ringing a long time ago (like in that song you sent me), and yes, we might as well be strangers. But thing is we’re not, and I still think of you at least 3 times a day, every day.

I like talking to you cause you are my past, and my past is who I am.

I like you cause you understand everything I tell you and everything I don’t, and all the rubbish I talk. And you know where that comes from, cause you know me like I know the taste of cold milk in the evenings and you were beside me to see it all go down and rise again, and again, every fucking time.

There are evenings when I just stare at your offline name like a psychic, hoping that clenching my fists and listening to an acoustic song would make that name pop-up in the corner of my screen and make you say hello, like it happens in the movies, or cartoons, or any other fake and shallow media production. But you were never fake and shallow and you never go online when I’m dying to tell you something about my course, or meditation, or just see your semi-dark room and hear the dog barking. And that’s how it happens, I wait, then I feel sorry, then I wish I were there with you tonight. Then I just go to sleep cause it’s useless, and I wish you bloody knew that the last image I see before failing to stop the eyelids from falling at night is you.

That being said, I’m going to bed. I’m okay, you know. You kinda taught me how to be ok, apart from making the best omlette in the world. So I have OK and I have Omlette. I will survive. I just..

I’m not supposed to say.

Keep on walking

You know, there’s a point after every relationship when it all sorta comes back to haunt you, and the weird thing isn’t that it does, but that it comes back later than you’d expect. What bothers me is that it comes uninvited, and lingers on until you finally gather all the resources to kick it out of your head.

It happened to me the other day, I remembered a pair of slippers that I left at his house and I wondered what had happened to them, then I remembered everything. That made me wonder where all those things had gone before that moment, as I tried as much as I could to throw them in the backest of my memory. I can’t say it was a pleasant feeling but I didn’t feel overwhelmed with sadness either. I would imagine most people would be devastated when that moment comes and they realize nothing will ever be like that again, ever. It’s well hard to bring closure to something so important, that’s true, but to be honest it was rather a mixture of ‘I shouldn’t be doing this‘ and ‘it sets me free‘. Like when you scratch and you know you shouldn’t but it feels good.

It took me about an hour to reminisce all the important stuff, I’m sure it would’ve taken days if I tried to bring back everything, but I think what I did was enough.. thing is, I had a feeling after all this happened which I never had before. I didn’t miss him. I didn’t want to get back together or see him or hear him, not even hear him laugh. Actually, I realized how inappropriate the relationship was, how different we were and how I should’ve never settled for that, now that I’ve seen the reverse of the medal. Then I was glad I had the strength to end it, and I must admit I’m well proud of myself for that.

You know, I’ve got a friend who’s in a relationship for almost two years now and the whole thing is miserable. She constantly feels awful and treats him badly, he can’t find any motivation and acts like a twat most of the times. The classic destructive relationship that leaves you wrecked up when you get out of it. The reason why I mention this is because my friend always encouraged me to do the best for me, be selfish and take risks. She encouraged my decision to walk out of the broken relationship I had, although that made me suffer a great deal when it happened, but we both agreed it was for the best. She’s seen my lowest low and my highest high so far, and I’m guessing it’s quite obvious that the High is worth the Low I’ve been through… She said she was proud of me for making that decision not a second later than I should’ve. I did it when I felt I had to walk out, and I never looked back, no matter how hard it’s been for me.

I wish I could say the same about her. I wish everyone had the strength to do this, no matter their ages, financial status and so on. If something isn’t what you want it to be anymore and it’s not up to you to change it, WALK OUT. Honestly. Just leave it.. a life is not worth all this damage for nothing. And this is just one of the revelations I had after remembering a (hi)story of three years. It has actually been a constructive experience after all..

Certitude

There’s only so many questions that I keep asking myself all the time, and I never seem to find answers .. One of the most important ones is.. You know when someone appreciates you, or likes you, or hell, LOVES you, and they tell you that, I’m always like ‘Why? Why me? Why am I so special?’ .. Cause I’ve talked to a lot of great people, and I was so surprised to see many of them were way better than me on so many levels.

What I mean is, anything I can do, someone else can do it better. And yeah, I know that’s normal but thing is I’ve seen these people.. met them and I don’t understand why I am loved and some of them aren’t. It seems unfair. I have a very good friend who is way more involved in relationships than I am and she cares a lot more about people than I do and somehow she’s completely alone, and she’s been wanting to find someone for more than three years. I honestly don’t understand how this is possible, and sometimes I feel guilty for being so happy and having more than a few amazing persons in my life.

There are songs and books and movies that are so inspirational that you would think it takes a lot for someone to fully understand them but apparently a lot of people love them anyway, people you wouldn’t even expect to pay attention to them, and that makes me wonder.. Am I really not that smart, or are they as smart as I am? Cause I used to think of myself as an above-average person, without modesty, and seeing how a lot of people actually have the same likes and interests as I do leads me to believe I’m really not that special at all. So yeah, why me.. how is it that I find great people and bond easily with them and never lack friends? It’s weird.

I am at least grateful and happy at the same time that everyone I’ve loved loved me back so far, and I’ve never been rejected by someone cause they weren’t into me, which is a good thing ( I guess? ). I’m happy that they somehow didn’t choose anyone else although they could’ve.. That gives me quite a lot of confidence to be honest, and renders the feeling that I DO have something interesting, but I swear I can never put the finger on it…

Oh, and to the person I’m with now.. I do wish everything this song below says. I know some of these things have already happened, but I wish all of them had. I really do. And thank you for all the ways in which you’ve helped me, although you are unaware of them at the moment..

The High

This is for the ‘Someone else’ who managed to give me back in 5 days what ‘Someone’ had been taking from me for three years. It is amazing, I just wanted you to know. I’d never even thought about the possibility of finding a person who’s literally a male version of me and boy, does that feel good. So good that I wonder how I could settle for anything else in the past. You lifted my standards way up high now and I have a good feeling about the whole thing, something which hadn’t happened before by the way.

For once in my life, I feel I’m doing the very right thing, hundred percent, perfectly. It’s all there. It’s .. awesome. Thank you for starting that conversation, it’s funny how so many things can happen all at once to create such a perfect context. And that’s why I’m saying, sometimes life can be just amazing.

Tiny detail bout feelings.

Darling, if you don’t mind me saying.. You’re amazing.. But I’m in love, and you’re not the one.

That scenario right there – WHO would like to hear that? No matter how understanding and open-minded one may be.. I mean, I try to be as caring and understanding as I can and try to put myself in everyone’s shoes, think how I would react if I were in their situation and try helping them, but this.. Honestly, if you care or start to like someone and you get that, no matter how kind and sorry they may be as they say it, you feel like shit anyway. There’s no nice way to put it.. You could say ‘You’re amazing and I’m sorry I don’t like you’ or you might as well say ‘You suck, go away.‘ The person will feel as rejected in both cases.

This is why I would rather avoid saying it as much as I can. Just say nothing, pretend it’s not there. Well of course this is a stupid advice as avoiding is not a solution but it these situations nothing is logical, when it comes to feeling NOTHING is. There is no logic in the way people lose their feelings, therefore there’s no logic in the way they gain them. It’s all chaotic, on a whim and with no sense of rationality. You cannot think AND feel, it’s either one or the other.. So how could you try to explain logically a feeling? How on earth could you rationalise AND MORE! Excuse yourself for what you feel.. That’s the stupidest thing ever..

Sorry for feeling attracted to someone else, or sorry I don’t wanna see you right now, so many situations in which people have nothing to be sorry about. It’s only natural to feel these things and denying them is like denying who you are, denying you exist. If I were to make a list of things of my own, it would take me a while.

Sorry, S., cause I fell madly and uncontrollably in love with someone else.

Sorry there were so many times I walked out on you and refused talking cause I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Sorry to the guys I had to say no to, cause I didn’t want any shallow connections at the time. 

Sorry J. for loving you like the fool I was and not realizing when it was over, when it was too late, when you were already gone, when I went too far, when I didn’t get the message.

See? The list could go on a lot but those were the recent things I have to excuse myself about.. but I won’t, not ever, not to those persons I mentioned above. Cause it’s useless. So yeah.. avoid trying to explain feelings cause you’ll never be able to, or if you do, it will all be a stupid pathetic cliche that will only make that person feel pretty much like a cliche as well.

And just one more thing, NEVER feel sorry about what you feel. Regret anything else, but not that.. that’s a complete different thing.

Sometimes I wonder

How much worse things can get. I made my two best friends break up today, cause of something I said.. She told me something about him that she was not supposed to say but I didn’t know it was meant to be a secret. So I just figured I should leave him a nice message and a nice video and try to cheer him up cause of what had happened.. But he got angry cause I knew, and he took it all out on her, and now they broke up.

Honestly, can I be more useless than this? Not only do I make myself constantly go through hell, but now I managed to somehow destroy other people’s relationship cause I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Well, it’s not like I did it on purpose but still, I’m the one to blame..

And now of course, as I was feeling like shit trying to explain stuff to both sides, I remembered of all the other things that made my life a living hell these past weeks. Or should I say PEOPLE? I guess that’s the way it goes in the end. Some people hurt other people then those other people go and mess things up for other people and so on. Humanity, thank you for all you’ve given me. Now I can really say ‘fuck my life’ without any trace of irony. Fuck it.

Kamikaze

How hard is it actually, for the psychologist to become the patient? How long, and how hard, and how much does it take? What if one falls in love with their patient, suppose that patient is all they could ever wish for, suppose it’s a great patient. Maybe he isn’t even sick, say he’s there for other reasons. What if he never gets well though? What if he disappears and she cannot accept that she couldn’t cure him, that she wasn’t all he needed. That she needed him but he needed something else.

What if, at that point when the patient goes away, she herself becomes him. What if she loses her bloody mind. 

 

I get the feeling more and more that this is how I will be for the rest of my life. This is how I’ve always been.. I see no reason why things would be different in the future. The official definition for Kamikaze is someone who is willing to lose their life to commit a terrorist attack in the name of a strong belief, such as religion. I have a definition of my own though.. and that is, someone who is willing to risk their safety or sanity to get involved in something inappropriate, useless, dangerous or prone to produce great emotional pain, for ABSOLUTELY no decent reason.

That’s how I am. Ever since I’ve known myself, I’ve always got into the stupidest and complicated situations and always had to squeeze my brains out to find a solution, or to get better. It’s like.. tell me something that sounds impossible and it will attract me so much that I will do my best to be part of it. I’ve never planned it to be like that, I just get too emotionally involved or care too much about people.. I can’t just abandon someone I care about. I thought about that so many times, but as time went by it got harder and harder to just walk out of it, leave him. Pretend I’ve never met him, never loved him. He did it though, so now I wish I had had the strength.. Anyway, I guess lots of people do that.

It just HAS to get complicated, doesn’t it? Some people just aren’t happy if things are too okay and easy to deal with. They need complications, adventure, taking risks, and they will find any excuses possible to have that. ‘My relationship at the moment is boring.’ ‘He doesn’t understand me.’ ‘I need a change.’ ‘I’ve always wanted to live there actually!’ ‘It can’t be that bad!’ … These are just regular excuses, not to mention sayings such as ‘If it feels good, it can’t be that bad.‘ or ‘I’d rather regret something I’ve done than something I haven’t.’ 

All these sayings and ideas have just encouraged me for so many years to do the most foolish things one could, because I’m impulsive and because I don’t realize what the implications are. I always realize when it’s already too late, this is why I believe I’m a ‘kamikaze’. Is someone too far? too fucked-up-in-the-brain? impossible to be with? Cool, then why shouldn’t I madly fall in love with them, spend a couple of years loving them, then another couple of years regretting I ever did? Cool indeed, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

Is someone an outsider? a social-reject? Someone with a major flaw or really not good to be around? Great, I’ll make them my friend and care about them way more than I should, then when it gets hard and I always have to be there for them, I’ll just spend time wondering why I got myself into it.

No problem, really. I enjoy doing this.. Sometimes I wonder how no one noticed how massively messed up I am and tried helping ME. That’s maybe because I’m too busy helping others and the only time I have for myself is late at night when I’m trying to sleep and can’t cause of the nightmares and panic attacks. Whenever I feel like that, I tell myself it’s only my fault, I’m the only one to blame for everything that’s happening to me.. J., S., and all the other friends that I love, friends with problems.. I’m really glad to be loving you guys, I’m glad to be helping you whenever I can.. but.. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do this, for I’m going mad myself. And honestly, I don’t think YOU care enough to listen to MY problems. So.. yeah.. kamikaze much?