Tag Archives: memories

Growing up.

Alright, so there’s the past, on the left. The present, in the middle. And the future, on the right. Two directions where you could go but you can’t actually cause you’re stuck in the present, whether you want it or not. Everything on the left has ceased to exist, nothing on the right has ever existed yet.

Then there’s this infinite loop, this wormhole, this something-that-scientists-cannot-explain, starting from X which is NOW, and going back to something that stopped existing a long time ago. This ‘I-don’t-know-why-I-did-it’, this ‘I-want-to-feel-your-skin’, this ‘Where-the-fuck-is-everything-I-knew’, and I am stuck there.. now. And have been for quite a while and even more since I talked to you the other day. If I were religious, I would say it was God’s help. If I believed in miracles, that would be one, and if I were completely honest, I would’ve thanked you, and thanked you, and thanked you.

Sitting here on a chair that’s miles away from you, I realised both how amazing you were and how we could’ve never been together..happily. I still can’t believe how with every word you said you made me feel better and I kept crying and literally felt the pain like some sorta energy leaving my body. The things you said made me see everything differently and although I am happy with myself and all, I am utterly miserable that you, my dear.. you are unreachable. I made you unreachable.

You could’ve been a room away and I made you unreachable. And the fool in me is disappointed, but I guess I was not-fool enough to choose you in the beginning. And there was the beginning, and there was the end, and nothing will compare to that cause there’s no time and I’ve learnt too much and saw too many things to go back to how I was 4 years ago.

I don’t know if I miss you, or just my teen years and that summer three years ago with you in the park wearing that green shirt. You know that I love you. What you don’t know though, is that.. I STILL love you..

 

 


THE midnight thought

“Oh just remember the telephones, well they’re working in both ways
but if I never ever hear them ring,
If nothing else I’ll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that’s okay,
Cause I’ll remember everything you sang.”

I know that like an unspoken rule, we’re not supposed to talk every so often, not supposed to say a lot of things about our lives now or bring back a lot of memories. Basically not supposed to do or say anything we want to, cause we both know how that would backfire.
I should be happy with 5 lines from time to time, and you shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t think of you, and you shouldn’t be sad cause it’s just 5 lines from time to time. But we both know this connection of ours goes beyond the time we spent apart , the distance that separates us now and all those words that should’ve never been said. And yes, the telephone stopped ringing a long time ago (like in that song you sent me), and yes, we might as well be strangers. But thing is we’re not, and I still think of you at least 3 times a day, every day.

I like talking to you cause you are my past, and my past is who I am.

I like you cause you understand everything I tell you and everything I don’t, and all the rubbish I talk. And you know where that comes from, cause you know me like I know the taste of cold milk in the evenings and you were beside me to see it all go down and rise again, and again, every fucking time.

There are evenings when I just stare at your offline name like a psychic, hoping that clenching my fists and listening to an acoustic song would make that name pop-up in the corner of my screen and make you say hello, like it happens in the movies, or cartoons, or any other fake and shallow media production. But you were never fake and shallow and you never go online when I’m dying to tell you something about my course, or meditation, or just see your semi-dark room and hear the dog barking. And that’s how it happens, I wait, then I feel sorry, then I wish I were there with you tonight. Then I just go to sleep cause it’s useless, and I wish you bloody knew that the last image I see before failing to stop the eyelids from falling at night is you.

That being said, I’m going to bed. I’m okay, you know. You kinda taught me how to be ok, apart from making the best omlette in the world. So I have OK and I have Omlette. I will survive. I just..

I’m not supposed to say.


The constant longing

I don’t know the real from what I thought I saw

I can’t remember where I went,

Where I was.

I’m gonna move toward a point in time

Where where you are is a state of mind,

And anytime I can read your thoughts

Some of them yours and some I thought up.

There’s no good reason for a heartbreak,

Nothing’s repeating every Monday.

It’s no good saying you’ll always be mine.

These jokes life’s playing, they make me so tired.

It’s already too much to always see you off

The sense that hours go back is enough

I like to fade when I write this line

There’s every reason to paint a decline

And every mile I walk is five.

I’ll get where I’m going in the next life,

And all the while there’s a false face,

This every killing is left untraced

This kind of falling saved my son

This constant longing for what’s gone…


Keep on walking

You know, there’s a point after every relationship when it all sorta comes back to haunt you, and the weird thing isn’t that it does, but that it comes back later than you’d expect. What bothers me is that it comes uninvited, and lingers on until you finally gather all the resources to kick it out of your head.

It happened to me the other day, I remembered a pair of slippers that I left at his house and I wondered what had happened to them, then I remembered everything. That made me wonder where all those things had gone before that moment, as I tried as much as I could to throw them in the backest of my memory. I can’t say it was a pleasant feeling but I didn’t feel overwhelmed with sadness either. I would imagine most people would be devastated when that moment comes and they realize nothing will ever be like that again, ever. It’s well hard to bring closure to something so important, that’s true, but to be honest it was rather a mixture of ‘I shouldn’t be doing this‘ and ‘it sets me free‘. Like when you scratch and you know you shouldn’t but it feels good.

It took me about an hour to reminisce all the important stuff, I’m sure it would’ve taken days if I tried to bring back everything, but I think what I did was enough.. thing is, I had a feeling after all this happened which I never had before. I didn’t miss him. I didn’t want to get back together or see him or hear him, not even hear him laugh. Actually, I realized how inappropriate the relationship was, how different we were and how I should’ve never settled for that, now that I’ve seen the reverse of the medal. Then I was glad I had the strength to end it, and I must admit I’m well proud of myself for that.

You know, I’ve got a friend who’s in a relationship for almost two years now and the whole thing is miserable. She constantly feels awful and treats him badly, he can’t find any motivation and acts like a twat most of the times. The classic destructive relationship that leaves you wrecked up when you get out of it. The reason why I mention this is because my friend always encouraged me to do the best for me, be selfish and take risks. She encouraged my decision to walk out of the broken relationship I had, although that made me suffer a great deal when it happened, but we both agreed it was for the best. She’s seen my lowest low and my highest high so far, and I’m guessing it’s quite obvious that the High is worth the Low I’ve been through… She said she was proud of me for making that decision not a second later than I should’ve. I did it when I felt I had to walk out, and I never looked back, no matter how hard it’s been for me.

I wish I could say the same about her. I wish everyone had the strength to do this, no matter their ages, financial status and so on. If something isn’t what you want it to be anymore and it’s not up to you to change it, WALK OUT. Honestly. Just leave it.. a life is not worth all this damage for nothing. And this is just one of the revelations I had after remembering a (hi)story of three years. It has actually been a constructive experience after all..


Coming up next

One day, I will jump so high to actually reach the ceiling of this room I’ve been starting at for so long.

One day, I will be able to play a whole Chopin piece on the piano.

One day, I will see New York.

One day, I will get so drunk that I won’t remember anything, but that will only be with the right people at the right time.

One day, I will have the right people next to me, all of them, at the very right time.

One day, I will have my own money and live on my own and be just fine.

One day, I will forget him completely, and fall in love again without even realising.

One day, I will get a license and after I’ve seen New York, I will drive my way through the US.

One day, I will lose some more weight and look perfect, as now I’m just ‘alrite’.

One day, but not today. Today I’m fine the way I am, the way everything is. And I swear I would only need a couple of things more for it to be perfect, but I know that can’t be possible, so I’m happy as it is. I’m making plans and hoping that one day ..

PS: This song I posted, yes, J. it bloody reminds me of you, but I don’t care anymore, cause I love it. I love a lot of songs that remind me of you. And I won’t spend the rest of my life regretting I didn’t go to Reading that summer two years ago and remembering how you used to sing ‘You gotta be stronger than the story.’ Well I am now. I’m stronger than the story.


Radiography of love

Two years tomorrow. Two years since I first talked to you, and half a year since I’ve missed you like crazy every day of my life. I read some of our conversations, I would read them all but they’re thousands.. This is how it all started. This is to remind me why I loved you so much.

19th of August, 2009.

Alecs: you have to enjoy it and have fun, cause it`s really beautiful there

Jasper: yeah il have fun

Jasper: but i just wish i could talk to you dude!

Alecs: why?! i mean you`ll have fun, that`s what matters:P

Alecs: be happy about it

Jasper: hahah nah you dont understand :P

Alecs: make me

Jasper: i can’t

Alecs: haha why?

Jasper: coz i dont like it when i dont talk to you!

Alecs: uhm, neither do i!

Alecs: but you`ll feel okay and you`ll forget

Alecs: i mean you won`t forget me

Alecs: just forget you were feeling sad

Alecs: which is a good thing, cause we don`t want you sad, don`t we?! :P silly

Jasper: you’ll forget too then! :P

Alecs: no i won`t, cause i won`t be there having fun

Alecs: i`ll be looking at your fucking OFFLINE NAME on MSN

Jasper: you’ll be in greece! :P

Alecs: i won`t have fun in greece dude, i`m going with them!

Alecs: like it will be nice, relaxing but not.. FUN

*

21st of August, 2009

Alecs: what did you want to tell me?

Jasper: um, no

Alecs: tell me!

Jasper: i cant!

Alecs: you said you can tell me anything!

Jasper: i know :P

Alecs: and we won`t be talking in ages

Alecs: and i want to know what`s going on with you

Jasper: ah dude im so stupid

Alecs: STOP SAYING YOU ARE

Jasper: like this summer i got really close to you, and i know i shouldnt have because … i   duno i always love things that i ‘cant have’ you know? and it sucks and i just know that stuffs guna get so hard when i  go back to school because it always does

Jasper: you just mean so much to me dude, like way too much if you ask me, and thats just talking like this, i havent even met you and i care that much for you and i dont understand and in a way i wish i didnt

Alecs: ….

Alecs: uhm, like, thanks for saying this, you made it easier for me too, haha

Jasper: haha im ridiculous

Jasper: dont tell me im not

Alecs: do you remember when i told you that if i`ll ever get too close to you, i`ll have to delete you for ever? haha

Alecs: uhm of course i was kidding then, but it kind of happened, and i know it`s stupid, i  don`t even want to admit it, cause it`s absurd

Alecs: and like i always make it harder for me you know?

Alecs: i somehow manage to complicate things everytime and i make myself suffer

Alecs: and this is really stupid, honestly

Alecs: i wish it wasn`t like that either

Alecs: and telling you this, feels even more stupid

Alecs: but i don`t want to go, and i don`t want you to go

Jasper: me either

Jasper: but it is stupid, i hate it, i just wish we lived close and could be like normal friends

Looking back and reading these now I realize how much has changed, how much it’s been. I don’t recognize myself in those lines, but I surely recognize him. That’s exactly how I remembered him. So weird to think it was only two years ago, I was just a kid. I wish I could have that summer back, if only for a few days.. that would be.. ‘fun-toss-teak’.


Don’t panic

I don’t know what’s up with this blog that I’ve somehow managed to turn it into a proper diary, and I never meant that. I kinda used to hate them, the term sounded so girlish and.. gay, and useless. Diary.. what the hell do you need a diary for.. if you want memories, look at yourself, look at the pictures and listen to the music, you don’t need a bloody diary, that’s what I used to say. I promise myself I’ll make some nice posts in the future, stead of this stupid ranting.

 

Nevertheless, I wanna spill out here everything I couldn’t say to someone quite important, so this is it. Letter for him.

 

I don’t even know what to say first, there’s only so many things I wish I had told you that night but I couldn’t find my words. I know why you got so pissed and showed up the way you did but the talk we had was utter rubbish. If we were to have a final argument, that was definitely not what I had in mind. First of all, I didn’t want it to end cause of anyone, especially cause of  J. I would never let that interfere with our relationship cause that boy did me enough harm as it was anyway. The things you said were really absurd, as a matter a fact. The only reason why I chose to break up was you, and me. The things between us, that’s all.

Secondly, I know it was my fault for keeping you in the dark about what I was going through but the only reason I chose not to tell you was because you really hated him and I wanted to avoid hours of arguments. Plus, you were my boyfriend, I couldn’t really say that, it would’ve been awful. As I said before, I sometimes agree with lying, I admit. I lied to protect you though, not myself, as I was going through hell and could’ve actually used someone to talk to. And you proved me I was right as right after I told you, the rubbish wouldn’t stop coming. I did NOT go to London to meet him. I’ve told you once, told you a thousand times. The fact that you still doubted that after everything I confessed only strengthened my belief that you stopped being the right person for me long time ago. I cannot believe you would actually think I would lie with something that big – something that literally changed my life. And what’s sad is that I gave you no reason to treat me like that. Ever.

Beyond all that’s been said (mostly by you as I stood there in shock and amaze and .. regret), I can’t say I don’t feel sorry for all that was. You were, after all, the person who’s been with me through every big event of my life, and I was the same for you. I mean, we’ve practically known each other for years. I will never try to deny that or minimize it. It’s important, it lasts, and you will be as well. I love you and I always will, just not in that way. I find it hard to even talk to you now after the awful ‘talk’ we had the other day. You coming there was a very, but VERY bad idea, I was not prepared and you were bloody hammered. Worst circumstances to discuss years of relationship.. But it was your decision, and although you were probably not fully aware of it, it was my duty to respect it. The big mistake was that you insisted having the talk about J, and what I felt for him and everything, and I had to tell you, I had nothing to lose anyway, you already hated me.

The only reason I’m writing stuff here is cause you certainly wouldn’t wanna hear it normally, and especially not after what’s happened. So.. yeah, our last talk was a disaster, and if I could change that I really would. The way you left was awful and the way you acted like a twat (which was certainly not the you I know) put me off completely. This being said, I hope you’re happy from now on and I’m not being ironic. I care for you a great deal. That’s about it.


StumbleUpon Past

There’s an amazing add-on called StumbleUpon that you install on your browser and each time you press its button it takes you to mostly incredible sites that you would never find, related to the interests you set for yourself. I use it when I’m bored sometimes and today it kept me busy for 2 hours. Unfortunately, I have just stopped stumbling as it took me to this random quote website, and reading those quotes that I know many may think are useless and shallow and childish, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I hadn’t cried in a long time.

Basically, I was just reading them without thinking about anything and my eyes got wet all of a sudden and then it all went to hell. I sorta feel alright now though. I feel human-ish. Emotions are something completely normal and although they say it’s psychologically proven that all emotion pain lasts for 12 minutes while the rest is self-inflicted.. Mine lasted a bit longer. I’m a drama queen, what can I say. Anyway, here are some quotes:

Alright, some may say they’re too sloppy but.. honestly.. Have you never felt it?!


The Problem

You know how everyone and everything changes? Well, that is indeed a very well known fact. What’s not that common though is when something changes REALLY quickly, when something unexpected happens and it takes a while just for you to snap out of the shock. I mean like when you lose someone in a matter of minutes. Or when you win the chance to move to another continent. Or when the underground attacks happen. Something which shakes the world, or just YOUR world. It wouldn’t matter which one it is actually, cause if your own world is confusing to you, you cannot understand the outside world either.

So yeah, when your own world becomes a confusing and foreign place, you go through the five stages that I think a lot of people know already, and these are:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

These of course are not 100% likely to happen, for example someone may skip the Anger part or the Bargaining, or the stages may be encountered in a different order.. The time it takes for you to overcome them does not depend on time at all actually. You can be stuck in denial for years. And this is my case. 6 months now, still in denial. They say the first step is recognizing the problem and deciding to do anything to solve it.

Thing is though, I cannot decide whether I want to change it or be stuck in it forever. The shock I experienced was way too much for me to overcome and be like ‘shit happens’. Shit like that is not supposed to happen. But anyway, looking back now I realize I would rather this hadn’t happened – at all. I would rather I hadn’t met that person at all. My mind got utterly messed up and I had no choice in the matter, I just observed how it all happened: memories fading, thoughts being modified, pictures changing and everything just falling apart really. I witnessed my brain being sorta drunk, trying to figure itself out. I have changed a lot since then – I don’t mean it like in, I talk differently or anything on the surface. Just that deep down, I feel quite broken.

I feel there’s something very wrong with my judgement, with the way I feel about other people I meet and talk to. And what really bothers me is that he has no idea what a horrible thing he did..

PS: I wish you would accept that bloody request, I wish I could talk to you. I wish I wish I wish… you weren’t such a twat.


My definition of ‘special people’

This post is gonna be a bit random kinda reflecting my thoughts. First of all, I have to say I completely reject the ‘optimistic-pessimistic’ comparison. That does not exist, but instead there are people who reason, and people who are not capable of this ‘superior’ cognitive function that our brain seems to posses (yeah, no kidding, studies have shown!)

Secondly, I know I’m not supposed to start all my sentences with ‘I hate’, ‘I can’t stand’ and so on, but really, it’s not me who’s overreacting, it is most people’s fault for being so bloody stupid! Now of course, everyone has got 2 options: they either try to accept everything in order to be relaxed and wise and blissful (I’m planning to get there in 20-30 years), or  they keep on hating and being shocked and disgusted by the rubbish surrounding them (which is what I do, considering the fact that I’m still 18, still stupid, still impulsive, still rebellious).

Therefore, considering the fact that I have decided I shall choose the hater’s way and exposed my ever-so-wise reasons, time for some more discriminating, mean posts.

Theorem. Some people can be replaced, some people can’t. 

Proof: Supposing someone you love walks out of your life, or moves away, or dies. Anyhow, they disappear, and you don’t want them to. At least at the beginning, if not for the rest of their lives, people will try to bring back their memory or compare others with them, even unconsciously. Sometimes, we can be reminded of a loved one just by seeing a stranger wearing their hair like them, or hearing they like the same sport, or that particular band. I assume everyone has that – that one person they would get back in a blink of an eye. Thing is.. I’m not sure how many people are really irreplaceable. Well of course, I don’t mean it like you could actually get an identical copy of that person, but some people are.. well, they’re bloody average, let’s be honest.

I’m talking about the things they do and say, but mostly, about the things they THINK. For example, I love, eh, quite a few people, but of all of them, there are only two that could hardly be compared to anyone else. The rest of them are great but they’re not, let’s say, amazingly special. You’re not special for liking some good movies, or great songs, or having blue eyes, or cooking for your family, or ringing your wife/boyfriend/whatever everyday, no. None of these things make you special, they just make you unique, and that’s not worth shit cause everyone is unique. Not everyone’s special though, that’s what I’m trying to say.

Special is having abilities that not many people have, that’s what makes you irreplaceable in my opinion. Not many people have a sense of humour (although many think they do, you’re either born with it or not and most aren’t), not many people can play the flute or the violin, not many people can skate like crazy, not many people can write literature, not many people can talk in 3 different languages.. Of course the examples could go on forever, what I’m trying to say is, you can replace someone who’s taking you to the movies every friday and buys you chocolate whenever you meet and likes the same music as you. That’s very simple.

The ones who are really irreplaceable are the ones who have a range of abilities you could spend a lifetime looking for in others. The ones who blow you away and don’t even try to. There are few persons in the world who can do that, in my opinion. I’m not one of them, that’s for sure, and that’s why I’m glad to have met a couple.

Oh, and as an advice .. Try to ponder a bit over the qualities and flaws someone has before you lose precious time of your life feeling sorry they’re gone. Just saying, they may not be that ‘special’.