What I’m up to these days

Sometimes I wonder how much it takes for someone to crack up. Eckhart Tolle, a man who has been a great inspiration to me, got to be the wonderful, blissful person he is now specifically cause of suffering too much. After having a horrible life as a teenager, he said the change came in one day. That’s all it took.. Cause he felt he had had enough. He just couldn’t take it anymore, so he made it different once and for all. He believes people will suffer until the pain is literally too much to take, in which case they either end their life or change it completely.

My question is, when do people have enough? Well, of course it’s not a general answer to that but.. what does it take? Illness, problems or.. memories? In my opinion, memories could do it easily, especially cause if your mind is messed up it affects your body as well and you end up being sick. The reason I’m curious about that is that my mental health is going to hell more and more each day, cause of memories and stress. I guess that’s what happens when you let your past take over your life.

I am trying to convince myself that I don’t need counseling, that it will just go away, but I’m not so sure about it now. Instead of getting better I end up bothering nice people with it and RANTING? Honestly, I’m not this person, I hate complaining and telling ‘stories’ about myself, but yesterday was just too much, and I hate how the other people involved in this reacted. I saw no point in taking revenge on him, although I can honestly say I was the most affected by the whole thing.

This is like the biggest paradox I had to face : I call myself a future psychologist and I was not able to accept the idea of someone suffering from a severe mental disorder. Some would see it like a warning, maybe this job will affect me more in the future, but I want to do it anyway. In a weird, sick way, I feel I owe this to him. There were times when I could’ve acted differently but I didn’t and in fact I may have influenced his illness a lot more than I’m aware of, and I pity him.

I would have appreciated if it hadn’t fucked with my brain so much though. That’s the only thing I regret.. The panic attacks, paranoia and the incredibly weird dreams. Oh, and being such a mess that I make people around me sad.. And disappoint them. Way to go, Alex. Way to screw things up again and again and again and congratulations for trusting your amazingly accurate female intuition that almost got you in a mental hospital as well. Preferably other than the Bethlem Royal Hospital though, I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life doing what I did in the past two years.

The Decision

I’m confused as hell and all I know is that I want to talk to him, I have to do it. It’s about.. it’s about getting on with my life, nothing else.. I have to give it closure, and I’m thinking of ways I could do that. I didn’t talk to anyone about it cause well, no one would approve and I’m sick of advice and opinions. People know fuck all about how you’re feeling in some situations so nevermind them and their thoughts when they can hardly relate to anything that’s been happening to you.

That’s the reason I’ll just go on with it without saying a word to anyone, and yes, I’m scared and had some panic attacks cause this has taken over my head seriously over the past days, it probably added to the shitty mood I’ve been in and.. Yeah, I felt I was going mad looking at two pictures with two completely different persons and trying to make connections.

Funny how the human brain works – if it believes something is real, then that’s all that exists. I dunno, it’s so.. easy to influence.. Everything happens only in our brains, that’s all we know, not the reality. We have no clue about the reality. For example I thought someone for someone else for almost 2 years and now I find it impossible to switch figures and replace that person with.. who he really is. It’s just .. it can’t be, it’s like a massive virus that I can’t get rid of without reinstalling Windows, and my brain is obviously not an operating system. That’s the thing with computers, they’re human-like but have something humans don’t. They can start over..

SO yeah, I’ll just do it, there’s no turning back. I wonder if He would understand, if I told him.. Well, I obviously won’t, but still.. would he be mad? disappointed.. or jealous? Would he think I’m crazy? Most people would think I am, but I’m a bit like those characters in horror movies who just follow the voices and open doors without thinking they might get killed. Except I know I won’t get killed – he’s not THAT psycho. That’s why I say people don’t know shit about this story – everyone believes he’s dangerous but he’s not. He could never be – I know him. Or at least, I know what he’s up to and capable of..

May be weird, but I’ll do it, I’ve been pondering too much over it and I reached a conclusion.