Opinion on modesty

Ah, show-offs.. gotta love them! Just talked to someone who named 19 books as their ‘favourites’. I mean, don’t get me wrong, reading is great, and books (some) are wonderful, but 19?! I mean honestly, NINETEEN FAVOURITE BOOKS? Of course it may be this or it may be that the person has yet to figure out what the word favourite refers to. No mate, it’s not every single book you found delightful or could read thoroughly, nor is it all the books you’ve ever laid hands on. It’s the *few* ones that changed your existence, had a major impact on the way you saw things, or made you have revelations or nightmares or think about something for days.

Now, if the number of books that changed your life is nineteen.. Well then, oh my, what can I say? You must be a fair confused chap and I’m sorry for you. And don’t get me wrong, I know how hard it is to decide on just a few things like favourite songs from your favourite artist or favourite movies when you’ve seen thousands, but even so, in my opinion the list should not be longer than.. I don’t know, say 6? 6 books? I repeat, don’t think about stuff you just liked.

Up to a point, you can say it’s hard to choose cause they may be totally different, like fantasy, biographies, whatever you like to read, but when someone asks you what are the best ones and you name so many for me is just another way of saying ‘I read a lot’. Actually, implying you read a lot, which is way worse. I have no problem with people just admitting stuff, like .. ‘I know way more quotes than a normal person does’ or ‘I believe I know a lot about a certain field’ or ‘I play the violin very well’, just pointing out your qualities, you know? I like that, people who are aware of what they’re capable of and being confident enough to say it and stand up for it. Modesty is shit, what is it anyway? Just some other form of being humble and coward and ignorant.

Many people, even if deep down they know they’re good at something will probably say they’re average or ‘not that good’ when they’re asked by someone else. Think about how many people would answer ‘Yes’ without hesitation to the question ‘Do you think you’re smart?’ .. Very few, I tell you. And why?! Cause it’s easier than living with the responsibility of having made their skills acknowledged, than having to prove it and stand up for their affirmation. Which is pathetic, by the way.

That’s the reason most people would just rather imply stuff – make it public but at the same time making sure that if at some point they don’t feel good enough, they can always say ‘hey, I never said that about myself.’ It’s, again, so human-ish and shallow it pisses me off. So yeah, this is what annoyed me today – showing off by using cheap tricks like implying stuff to make people admire you/like you/think more of you. Way to go, humble creatures!

I’d like to tell myself I never wanted to see what you look like. I’d like to tell myself I didn’t look up your profile as soon as I knew your real name. I’d like to say I didn’t specifically searched for your name in the first place. .. Thom..
I’d like to tell myself I just saw your profile once, and I never came back. That I never messaged you cause I found it useless. I’d like to tell myself I don’t check up on you every now and then.

I would like to tell myself the same thing I say to others. I’d like to be that rational, that.. that strong. That determined. I am not. I’m emotional and impulsive and I hate it. I’d like it all to have been different.

I still can’t believe this whole thing, maybe that’s why I always come back, duno. It’s unreal.

I’d like to tell myself I got over it, that I could accept it, that I forgave you in the end, I understood. I didn’t. I suck at this. I couldn’t ever resist you. It’s been two years of you messing with my brain now.  Meditation, psychology, calm, theories, teachings, patience, ration, EVERYTHING falls apart when it comes to you.

 
Everything.