Tag Archives: miserable

Sometimes I wonder

How much worse things can get. I made my two best friends break up today, cause of something I said.. She told me something about him that she was not supposed to say but I didn’t know it was meant to be a secret. So I just figured I should leave him a nice message and a nice video and try to cheer him up cause of what had happened.. But he got angry cause I knew, and he took it all out on her, and now they broke up.

Honestly, can I be more useless than this? Not only do I make myself constantly go through hell, but now I managed to somehow destroy other people’s relationship cause I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Well, it’s not like I did it on purpose but still, I’m the one to blame..

And now of course, as I was feeling like shit trying to explain stuff to both sides, I remembered of all the other things that made my life a living hell these past weeks. Or should I say PEOPLE? I guess that’s the way it goes in the end. Some people hurt other people then those other people go and mess things up for other people and so on. Humanity, thank you for all you’ve given me. Now I can really say ‘fuck my life’ without any trace of irony. Fuck it.


Not the end..

The world’s always on the move. Everywhere around the globe, people leave. They get promoted, get jobs, go to schools, their families drag them away and so on.. And they leave others who love them behind. I wish you understood that. I wish I could talk to you about how I see this whole thing and maybe you wouldn’t be so depressed then, but you refuse to let me in, and I am sick of trying.

I know I’m not the one who’s being left behind, and to be honest the line between pointing out the facts and being a twat is very fine in this situation. I don’t know if I have any right at all to talk about this so naturally. I don’t know how you feel. It just drives me crazy to see how you constantly drive this subject to the point that I feel so bloody guilty and I am literally left speechless. Yesterday you said ‘I guess that moment when we’ll be together all the time will never come, aye?‘ .. It hit me out of nowhere. Just like that. And I couldn’t utter a word cause of that guilt that suffocated me. That was all I could feel..

You take it as I am being the one who’s leaving YOU when it’s actually me going away cause I have to. Staying was never an option. I see you the way I thought I never will, cause all you taught me.. All these things that I learned from YOU and make me feel better now.. Gee, it’s like you’ve forgot everything. And the worst thing is that I can’t say anything. I can’t talk you out of it. I can’t say ‘You’re being utterly irrational and over-depressed, get better, think it through, find a solution and stop being miserable.’ cause that would make me a twat. Like, I’m the cause of it and I’m telling you to move on..?

This is the last thing I wanted to happen – you thinking I have no consideration for our relationship. Cause I fucking do, I love you. And the reason I’m not crying and counting the months till it’s gonna happen is because I don’t see it like you do. I see a future. You see the ending. I refuse to let anything get between us as long as I still have feelings for you, and I want you to come with me eventually. I wanna spend all my holidays with you and be there, with you.

If only I could tell you these things without looking into your eyes feeling like the biggest knob ever. Now everytime we see each other and I’m about to leave I’m expecting you to say something related to that, that will just add up to my already huge guilt. Our communication is practically zero when it comes to this subject and if anything, I know I’m not the one to blame for that. At least for that..