Tag Archives: lost

Don’t panic

I don’t know what’s up with this blog that I’ve somehow managed to turn it into a proper diary, and I never meant that. I kinda used to hate them, the term sounded so girlish and.. gay, and useless. Diary.. what the hell do you need a diary for.. if you want memories, look at yourself, look at the pictures and listen to the music, you don’t need a bloody diary, that’s what I used to say. I promise myself I’ll make some nice posts in the future, stead of this stupid ranting.


Nevertheless, I wanna spill out here everything I couldn’t say to someone quite important, so this is it. Letter for him.


I don’t even know what to say first, there’s only so many things I wish I had told you that night but I couldn’t find my words. I know why you got so pissed and showed up the way you did but the talk we had was utter rubbish. If we were to have a final argument, that was definitely not what I had in mind. First of all, I didn’t want it to end cause of anyone, especially cause of  J. I would never let that interfere with our relationship cause that boy did me enough harm as it was anyway. The things you said were really absurd, as a matter a fact. The only reason why I chose to break up was you, and me. The things between us, that’s all.

Secondly, I know it was my fault for keeping you in the dark about what I was going through but the only reason I chose not to tell you was because you really hated him and I wanted to avoid hours of arguments. Plus, you were my boyfriend, I couldn’t really say that, it would’ve been awful. As I said before, I sometimes agree with lying, I admit. I lied to protect you though, not myself, as I was going through hell and could’ve actually used someone to talk to. And you proved me I was right as right after I told you, the rubbish wouldn’t stop coming. I did NOT go to London to meet him. I’ve told you once, told you a thousand times. The fact that you still doubted that after everything I confessed only strengthened my belief that you stopped being the right person for me long time ago. I cannot believe you would actually think I would lie with something that big – something that literally changed my life. And what’s sad is that I gave you no reason to treat me like that. Ever.

Beyond all that’s been said (mostly by you as I stood there in shock and amaze and .. regret), I can’t say I don’t feel sorry for all that was. You were, after all, the person who’s been with me through every big event of my life, and I was the same for you. I mean, we’ve practically known each other for years. I will never try to deny that or minimize it. It’s important, it lasts, and you will be as well. I love you and I always will, just not in that way. I find it hard to even talk to you now after the awful ‘talk’ we had the other day. You coming there was a very, but VERY bad idea, I was not prepared and you were bloody hammered. Worst circumstances to discuss years of relationship.. But it was your decision, and although you were probably not fully aware of it, it was my duty to respect it. The big mistake was that you insisted having the talk about J, and what I felt for him and everything, and I had to tell you, I had nothing to lose anyway, you already hated me.

The only reason I’m writing stuff here is cause you certainly wouldn’t wanna hear it normally, and especially not after what’s happened. So.. yeah, our last talk was a disaster, and if I could change that I really would. The way you left was awful and the way you acted like a twat (which was certainly not the you I know) put me off completely. This being said, I hope you’re happy from now on and I’m not being ironic. I care for you a great deal. That’s about it.


I cannot sleep (AGAIN).

What sucks though, is that I can almost hear your childish voice saying



‘Don’t worry, dude, it’ll be alright. I’m here and I love you dude.’ 

And although you’re not here anymore, I still say to myself ‘I know it will. I love you too.’

The Decision

I’m confused as hell and all I know is that I want to talk to him, I have to do it. It’s about.. it’s about getting on with my life, nothing else.. I have to give it closure, and I’m thinking of ways I could do that. I didn’t talk to anyone about it cause well, no one would approve and I’m sick of advice and opinions. People know fuck all about how you’re feeling in some situations so nevermind them and their thoughts when they can hardly relate to anything that’s been happening to you.

That’s the reason I’ll just go on with it without saying a word to anyone, and yes, I’m scared and had some panic attacks cause this has taken over my head seriously over the past days, it probably added to the shitty mood I’ve been in and.. Yeah, I felt I was going mad looking at two pictures with two completely different persons and trying to make connections.

Funny how the human brain works – if it believes something is real, then that’s all that exists. I dunno, it’s so.. easy to influence.. Everything happens only in our brains, that’s all we know, not the reality. We have no clue about the reality. For example I thought someone for someone else for almost 2 years and now I find it impossible to switch figures and replace that person with.. who he really is. It’s just .. it can’t be, it’s like a massive virus that I can’t get rid of without reinstalling Windows, and my brain is obviously not an operating system. That’s the thing with computers, they’re human-like but have something humans don’t. They can start over..

SO yeah, I’ll just do it, there’s no turning back. I wonder if He would understand, if I told him.. Well, I obviously won’t, but still.. would he be mad? disappointed.. or jealous? Would he think I’m crazy? Most people would think I am, but I’m a bit like those characters in horror movies who just follow the voices and open doors without thinking they might get killed. Except I know I won’t get killed – he’s not THAT psycho. That’s why I say people don’t know shit about this story – everyone believes he’s dangerous but he’s not. He could never be – I know him. Or at least, I know what he’s up to and capable of..

May be weird, but I’ll do it, I’ve been pondering too much over it and I reached a conclusion.