The constant longing

I don’t know the real from what I thought I saw

I can’t remember where I went,

Where I was.

I’m gonna move toward a point in time

Where where you are is a state of mind,

And anytime I can read your thoughts

Some of them yours and some I thought up.

There’s no good reason for a heartbreak,

Nothing’s repeating every Monday.

It’s no good saying you’ll always be mine.

These jokes life’s playing, they make me so tired.

It’s already too much to always see you off

The sense that hours go back is enough

I like to fade when I write this line

There’s every reason to paint a decline

And every mile I walk is five.

I’ll get where I’m going in the next life,

And all the while there’s a false face,

This every killing is left untraced

This kind of falling saved my son

This constant longing for what’s gone…

Radiography of love

Two years tomorrow. Two years since I first talked to you, and half a year since I’ve missed you like crazy every day of my life. I read some of our conversations, I would read them all but they’re thousands.. This is how it all started. This is to remind me why I loved you so much.

19th of August, 2009.

Alecs: you have to enjoy it and have fun, cause it`s really beautiful there

Jasper: yeah il have fun

Jasper: but i just wish i could talk to you dude!

Alecs: why?! i mean you`ll have fun, that`s what matters:P

Alecs: be happy about it

Jasper: hahah nah you dont understand :P

Alecs: make me

Jasper: i can’t

Alecs: haha why?

Jasper: coz i dont like it when i dont talk to you!

Alecs: uhm, neither do i!

Alecs: but you`ll feel okay and you`ll forget

Alecs: i mean you won`t forget me

Alecs: just forget you were feeling sad

Alecs: which is a good thing, cause we don`t want you sad, don`t we?! :P silly

Jasper: you’ll forget too then! :P

Alecs: no i won`t, cause i won`t be there having fun

Alecs: i`ll be looking at your fucking OFFLINE NAME on MSN

Jasper: you’ll be in greece! :P

Alecs: i won`t have fun in greece dude, i`m going with them!

Alecs: like it will be nice, relaxing but not.. FUN

*

21st of August, 2009

Alecs: what did you want to tell me?

Jasper: um, no

Alecs: tell me!

Jasper: i cant!

Alecs: you said you can tell me anything!

Jasper: i know :P

Alecs: and we won`t be talking in ages

Alecs: and i want to know what`s going on with you

Jasper: ah dude im so stupid

Alecs: STOP SAYING YOU ARE

Jasper: like this summer i got really close to you, and i know i shouldnt have because … i   duno i always love things that i ‘cant have’ you know? and it sucks and i just know that stuffs guna get so hard when i  go back to school because it always does

Jasper: you just mean so much to me dude, like way too much if you ask me, and thats just talking like this, i havent even met you and i care that much for you and i dont understand and in a way i wish i didnt

Alecs: ….

Alecs: uhm, like, thanks for saying this, you made it easier for me too, haha

Jasper: haha im ridiculous

Jasper: dont tell me im not

Alecs: do you remember when i told you that if i`ll ever get too close to you, i`ll have to delete you for ever? haha

Alecs: uhm of course i was kidding then, but it kind of happened, and i know it`s stupid, i  don`t even want to admit it, cause it`s absurd

Alecs: and like i always make it harder for me you know?

Alecs: i somehow manage to complicate things everytime and i make myself suffer

Alecs: and this is really stupid, honestly

Alecs: i wish it wasn`t like that either

Alecs: and telling you this, feels even more stupid

Alecs: but i don`t want to go, and i don`t want you to go

Jasper: me either

Jasper: but it is stupid, i hate it, i just wish we lived close and could be like normal friends

Looking back and reading these now I realize how much has changed, how much it’s been. I don’t recognize myself in those lines, but I surely recognize him. That’s exactly how I remembered him. So weird to think it was only two years ago, I was just a kid. I wish I could have that summer back, if only for a few days.. that would be.. ‘fun-toss-teak’.

Some more anger

Well, I’m fairly pissed off today. Besides the fact that I spent half of the day doing something I didn’t want to, I had the stupidest argument with someone who is very dear to me. What’s the worst though, is that I don’t know where it came from.

There’s times like these I realize how relationships can easily be ruined, friendships can be broken and so on. Nothing really matters or lasts in life, we just feel that it does for a short, insignificant amount of time until something changes then it’s all gone. Words like ‘forever’ and ‘never’ should not exist when it comes to human-ish things, we should not be allowed to use them for we know fuck all about their meanings. We’re just worthless pathetic creatures. We are nothing compared to.. well, anything: time, space, the universe, even OUR bloody planet. We think we’re important but in fact, we aren’t. Everyday stuff keeps us busy, makes us forget what and who we are, and that we aren’t gonna stick around much longer.

There’s times like these, when from a silly argument I come to blame human race, including myself, for being so ridiculously stupid and absurd. I know we should not have the so-called ‘expectations’, that we should not expect people to react the way we want them to because they have a whole other way of thinking, they are unpredictable and most of the times illogical in their actions. I know that every disappointment others bring us is actually our mind being let down cause of something it itself created, and I know there is no one to blame but our selves, or in this case, my self. My self for being so ignorant and arrogant, for thinking drawing plans of the future is like drawing an apple. For not realising there is no tiny reason, not even one, why others should do what I would do.

–

You know what sucks big time? When someone says something… when someone says something and you have no idea what to answer. It’s when they say something and it confuses the shit outta you and you’re just sat there with literally nothing to say, hoping they would add something or let it go, but they usually don’t. Hell no, they don’t.And then you have to think of three things. One is what on the world made them say that, try to understand them. Second one is how it makes you feel, and third one is what you should say. Isn’t that hard? I feel it is. I feel it’s bloody hard and there’s only so many people who care about that..

Sad. Really, really sad.

Old stuff

“Running in circles,

Chasing our tails,

Coming back as we are.’

For some unknown reason I remembered about a post, and a comment two years ago. This is the post.. I decided I should import three significant articles from August, 2009 from my old-currently-hidden blog as that was the time when everything started changing, so there it is, in the archive on the right.

PS: I know we are supposed to go forward, not backwards.. But something keeps dragging me behind and I’m not that strong.

Let.It.Out

I was thinking today that it’s been a ridiculously long time since I last cried. I know it sounds rather pathetic, but what I mean is, it’s been a long time since I got all these memories and fears and stress out. I’m afraid that if I keep it going like I’ll end up having a nervous breakdown at some point, as I never seem to open up enough.

Stephen said that if I can’t cry it’s probably because I don’t need to, but I do actually. I need that a lot, as I’m shit at these yoga, zen things. I just wanna cry everything out but I can’t. Sometimes I may shed a couple of tears of anger but that rarely happens anyway, and it’s not considered crying.

I’m talking about the real mess, the one when you need to be alone with lots of tissues and good music. Maybe some photos too. Or papers. Or virtual saved archive or whatever. Now THAT is the best cure ever. It bloody hurts but you feel such a huge relief afterward. I am one step away from turning into one of those desperate girls who actually make efforts to cry. The lowest I’ve gone so far was to just stare blankly for a few minutes thinking about everything bad/painful/shameful but I felt nothing more than a weird stitch in my chest and shaky hands.

I am under the impression something important happened and that something is what stops me from crying now. You know, like people who suffer traumas then stop speaking or lose their memory. Oh well, I can’t really say I’ve been through that, but God knows (actually not) I haven’t been myself for several days after that last time I cried. Sheesh…

A few months ago I dealt with severe nightmares, and I don’t mean the kinda nightmare when you’re running late for work. Nah. I mean horrible nightmares. Then I went through that ‘trauma’, and I stayed awake for three freaking days cause I was too afraid to go to sleep. Then everything stopped – the nightmares, the crying, everything. It’s like I’ve become numb. No matter how mad or sad I get now I can never let it out and I blame that event for it..

The last time I cried my arse off was somewhere during November of last year. It was when I realised I’d never talk to J again – when I realised he would never come back. Not then, not ever. He just disappeared like.. I don’t know, like you’d never think it can happen. I remember how I read thousands of texts and archives and letters and it hurt like hell but as hard as it is talking about it now (which I never do by the way..) I don’t feel like crying at all. It’s.. I don’t know, it’s gone. It’s all gone, ha. As funny and absurd it may sound.

So, yeah.. I haven’t cried in a while. Six months now? Damn, that’s a long time for a girl.