Tag Archives: friendship

Heavy

I haven’t felt like I did today in months. It’s been a horrible day and I remembered all sorta things that got me in the condition I am now. I’ve been somewhere, then got home, then went somewhere else, then got home, then went somewhere ELSE. DAMN, it is exhausting. Tomorrow I’m going away again and I had to pack and everything and everyone around me has done nothing but bring me down all day long.

I had to put up with dad’s stupid comments, mum’s yelling as always. She even yells when she’s helping me, sheesh. At some point I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, my head was about to explode and I went to take a shower but that didn’t go well either cause I couldn’t breathe for a few seconds and I well panicked and had to bite my knee to recover. I know it sounds weird, but it was an instinct which turned out to be the best solution at the time. Then all of a sudden I felt I missed S a lot, not like in being with him or loving him, just.. I missed him as a friend. He is the best listener I’ve seen. really.

I wished I could just ring him up and tell him how I felt about going away this autumn and about mum and dad and that I’m just tired.. I wished I could tell him that and he’d just shut up for minutes the way he always did then say something clever that made me feel better. Boy, did he know how to make me feel better. He bloody knows me better than I do. For the first time in four years, I missed him as a friend. I wanted him to tell me something, hear his voice and know he’s there. Just hear something ridiculous, like ‘how does that make you feel?’ or ‘it has to do with your childhood’ would’ve been enough. ANYTHING would’ve been enough.

I still feel I wanna talk to him but I know it’s pointless and he won’t give me that side of him anyway. He would be rude and mean cause .. well.. I know him quite well myself. His birthday is coming though and I WILL ring him up then. Just wish him happy birthday and the stupid cliches.. I’ll just hide the fact that he means more to me than most of the people I’ve ever met. Anyway. Don’t wanna make this sound pathetic. I’m tired and I just wanted to write this down I could tell no one about it and I feel bad about myself for so many reasons. I’ve let myself down, that’s … about … it.

And for me, that’s very, but VERY hard to live with.


Radiography of love

Two years tomorrow. Two years since I first talked to you, and half a year since I’ve missed you like crazy every day of my life. I read some of our conversations, I would read them all but they’re thousands.. This is how it all started. This is to remind me why I loved you so much.

19th of August, 2009.

Alecs: you have to enjoy it and have fun, cause it`s really beautiful there

Jasper: yeah il have fun

Jasper: but i just wish i could talk to you dude!

Alecs: why?! i mean you`ll have fun, that`s what matters:P

Alecs: be happy about it

Jasper: hahah nah you dont understand :P

Alecs: make me

Jasper: i can’t

Alecs: haha why?

Jasper: coz i dont like it when i dont talk to you!

Alecs: uhm, neither do i!

Alecs: but you`ll feel okay and you`ll forget

Alecs: i mean you won`t forget me

Alecs: just forget you were feeling sad

Alecs: which is a good thing, cause we don`t want you sad, don`t we?! :P silly

Jasper: you’ll forget too then! :P

Alecs: no i won`t, cause i won`t be there having fun

Alecs: i`ll be looking at your fucking OFFLINE NAME on MSN

Jasper: you’ll be in greece! :P

Alecs: i won`t have fun in greece dude, i`m going with them!

Alecs: like it will be nice, relaxing but not.. FUN

*

21st of August, 2009

Alecs: what did you want to tell me?

Jasper: um, no

Alecs: tell me!

Jasper: i cant!

Alecs: you said you can tell me anything!

Jasper: i know :P

Alecs: and we won`t be talking in ages

Alecs: and i want to know what`s going on with you

Jasper: ah dude im so stupid

Alecs: STOP SAYING YOU ARE

Jasper: like this summer i got really close to you, and i know i shouldnt have because … i   duno i always love things that i ‘cant have’ you know? and it sucks and i just know that stuffs guna get so hard when i  go back to school because it always does

Jasper: you just mean so much to me dude, like way too much if you ask me, and thats just talking like this, i havent even met you and i care that much for you and i dont understand and in a way i wish i didnt

Alecs: ….

Alecs: uhm, like, thanks for saying this, you made it easier for me too, haha

Jasper: haha im ridiculous

Jasper: dont tell me im not

Alecs: do you remember when i told you that if i`ll ever get too close to you, i`ll have to delete you for ever? haha

Alecs: uhm of course i was kidding then, but it kind of happened, and i know it`s stupid, i  don`t even want to admit it, cause it`s absurd

Alecs: and like i always make it harder for me you know?

Alecs: i somehow manage to complicate things everytime and i make myself suffer

Alecs: and this is really stupid, honestly

Alecs: i wish it wasn`t like that either

Alecs: and telling you this, feels even more stupid

Alecs: but i don`t want to go, and i don`t want you to go

Jasper: me either

Jasper: but it is stupid, i hate it, i just wish we lived close and could be like normal friends

Looking back and reading these now I realize how much has changed, how much it’s been. I don’t recognize myself in those lines, but I surely recognize him. That’s exactly how I remembered him. So weird to think it was only two years ago, I was just a kid. I wish I could have that summer back, if only for a few days.. that would be.. ‘fun-toss-teak’.


Some more anger

Well, I’m fairly pissed off today. Besides the fact that I spent half of the day doing something I didn’t want to, I had the stupidest argument with someone who is very dear to me. What’s the worst though, is that I don’t know where it came from.

There’s times like these I realize how relationships can easily be ruined, friendships can be broken and so on. Nothing really matters or lasts in life, we just feel that it does for a short, insignificant amount of time until something changes then it’s all gone. Words like ‘forever’ and ‘never’ should not exist when it comes to human-ish things, we should not be allowed to use them for we know fuck all about their meanings. We’re just worthless pathetic creatures. We are nothing compared to.. well, anything: time, space, the universe, even OUR bloody planet. We think we’re important but in fact, we aren’t. Everyday stuff keeps us busy, makes us forget what and who we are, and that we aren’t gonna stick around much longer.

There’s times like these, when from a silly argument I come to blame human race, including myself, for being so ridiculously stupid and absurd. I know we should not have the so-called ‘expectations’, that we should not expect people to react the way we want them to because they have a whole other way of thinking, they are unpredictable and most of the times illogical in their actions. I know that every disappointment others bring us is actually our mind being let down cause of something it itself created, and I know there is no one to blame but our selves, or in this case, my self. My self for being so ignorant and arrogant, for thinking drawing plans of the future is like drawing an apple. For not realising there is no tiny reason, not even one, why others should do what I would do.

You know what sucks big time? When someone says something… when someone says something and you have no idea what to answer. It’s when they say something and it confuses the shit outta you and you’re just sat there with literally nothing to say, hoping they would add something or let it go, but they usually don’t. Hell no, they don’t.And then you have to think of three things. One is what on the world made them say that, try to understand them. Second one is how it makes you feel, and third one is what you should say. Isn’t that hard? I feel it is. I feel it’s bloody hard and there’s only so many people who care about that..

Sad. Really, really sad.


Dudeness,

I cannot sleep (AGAIN).

What sucks though, is that I can almost hear your childish voice saying

 

 

‘Don’t worry, dude, it’ll be alright. I’m here and I love you dude.’ 

And although you’re not here anymore, I still say to myself ‘I know it will. I love you too.’