I don’t know what’s up with this blog that I’ve somehow managed to turn it into a proper diary, and I never meant that. I kinda used to hate them, the term sounded so girlish and.. gay, and useless. Diary.. what the hell do you need a diary for.. if you want memories, look at yourself, look at the pictures and listen to the music, you don’t need a bloody diary, that’s what I used to say. I promise myself I’ll make some nice posts in the future, stead of this stupid ranting.
Nevertheless, I wanna spill out here everything I couldn’t say to someone quite important, so this is it. Letter for him.
I don’t even know what to say first, there’s only so many things I wish I had told you that night but I couldn’t find my words. I know why you got so pissed and showed up the way you did but the talk we had was utter rubbish. If we were to have a final argument, that was definitely not what I had in mind. First of all, I didn’t want it to end cause of anyone, especially cause of J. I would never let that interfere with our relationship cause that boy did me enough harm as it was anyway. The things you said were really absurd, as a matter a fact. The only reason why I chose to break up was you, and me. The things between us, that’s all.
Secondly, I know it was my fault for keeping you in the dark about what I was going through but the only reason I chose not to tell you was because you really hated him and I wanted to avoid hours of arguments. Plus, you were my boyfriend, I couldn’t really say that, it would’ve been awful. As I said before, I sometimes agree with lying, I admit. I lied to protect you though, not myself, as I was going through hell and could’ve actually used someone to talk to. And you proved me I was right as right after I told you, the rubbish wouldn’t stop coming. I did NOT go to London to meet him. I’ve told you once, told you a thousand times. The fact that you still doubted that after everything I confessed only strengthened my belief that you stopped being the right person for me long time ago. I cannot believe you would actually think I would lie with something that big – something that literally changed my life. And what’s sad is that I gave you no reason to treat me like that. Ever.
Beyond all that’s been said (mostly by you as I stood there in shock and amaze and .. regret), I can’t say I don’t feel sorry for all that was. You were, after all, the person who’s been with me through every big event of my life, and I was the same for you. I mean, we’ve practically known each other for years. I will never try to deny that or minimize it. It’s important, it lasts, and you will be as well. I love you and I always will, just not in that way. I find it hard to even talk to you now after the awful ‘talk’ we had the other day. You coming there was a very, but VERY bad idea, I was not prepared and you were bloody hammered. Worst circumstances to discuss years of relationship.. But it was your decision, and although you were probably not fully aware of it, it was my duty to respect it. The big mistake was that you insisted having the talk about J, and what I felt for him and everything, and I had to tell you, I had nothing to lose anyway, you already hated me.
The only reason I’m writing stuff here is cause you certainly wouldn’t wanna hear it normally, and especially not after what’s happened. So.. yeah, our last talk was a disaster, and if I could change that I really would. The way you left was awful and the way you acted like a twat (which was certainly not the you I know) put me off completely. This being said, I hope you’re happy from now on and I’m not being ironic. I care for you a great deal. That’s about it.
I was thinking today that it’s been a ridiculously long time since I last cried. I know it sounds rather pathetic, but what I mean is, it’s been a long time since I got all these memories and fears and stress out. I’m afraid that if I keep it going like I’ll end up having a nervous breakdown at some point, as I never seem to open up enough.
Stephen said that if I can’t cry it’s probably because I don’t need to, but I do actually. I need that a lot, as I’m shit at these yoga, zen things. I just wanna cry everything out but I can’t. Sometimes I may shed a couple of tears of anger but that rarely happens anyway, and it’s not considered crying.
I’m talking about the real mess, the one when you need to be alone with lots of tissues and good music. Maybe some photos too. Or papers. Or virtual saved archive or whatever. Now THAT is the best cure ever. It bloody hurts but you feel such a huge relief afterward. I am one step away from turning into one of those desperate girls who actually make efforts to cry. The lowest I’ve gone so far was to just stare blankly for a few minutes thinking about everything bad/painful/shameful but I felt nothing more than a weird stitch in my chest and shaky hands.
I am under the impression something important happened and that something is what stops me from crying now. You know, like people who suffer traumas then stop speaking or lose their memory. Oh well, I can’t really say I’ve been through that, but God knows (actually not) I haven’t been myself for several days after that last time I cried. Sheesh…
A few months ago I dealt with severe nightmares, and I don’t mean the kinda nightmare when you’re running late for work. Nah. I mean horrible nightmares. Then I went through that ‘trauma’, and I stayed awake for three freaking days cause I was too afraid to go to sleep. Then everything stopped – the nightmares, the crying, everything. It’s like I’ve become numb. No matter how mad or sad I get now I can never let it out and I blame that event for it..
The last time I cried my arse off was somewhere during November of last year. It was when I realised I’d never talk to J again – when I realised he would never come back. Not then, not ever. He just disappeared like.. I don’t know, like you’d never think it can happen. I remember how I read thousands of texts and archives and letters and it hurt like hell but as hard as it is talking about it now (which I never do by the way..) I don’t feel like crying at all. It’s.. I don’t know, it’s gone. It’s all gone, ha. As funny and absurd it may sound.
So, yeah.. I haven’t cried in a while. Six months now? Damn, that’s a long time for a girl.
We all need to relax from time to time, and we have our different ways to do it, but how many people really ask themselves ‘How exactly should I do it?’. I bet not many. Imagine a sheet of paper. White, blank, unstained. Perfect. Pure. That is bliss.
Then imagine taking a pencil and scratching and scribbling stuff all over it until it becomes impossible to see the white anymore. This is what we do to our brain daily by letting in all the problems and bad thoughts and negative energy invade our head. In order to relax, this is exactly what you have to stop – the pencil. And in order to do so, we need to accept everything and anything.
I know this may sound like a cliche and hard or maybe useless, but it’s the only way. Accept, accept, accept everything around you. Stop anger and gossip and illusions and just control yourself. Control your thoughts, you’re the only one who can do it. If you manage to do that, you’ll be happy, trust me. You’ll feel good. You don’t have to like everyone or keep smiling or whatever, but instead of letting the negative karma get you, just ignore it. Get it out of your brain. Say ‘Ok, I am in charge here and you won’t ruin my day!’.
It took me a while to realise I was in control of everything that happened to me, that I could sort my thoughts and get rid of the bad ones, but when I did I felt relieved.
I know people that just can’t chill. They keep talking and thinking and are too stressed to watch a movie or read something without checking the time every half an hour. I’m trying hard to make them understand life, cause I love them. Usually people who do this are seen as irresponsible and immature, sometimes even ignorant. It’s such a paradox, when I’m aware of everything that’s going on around me and still I get the one who’s being called that cause I’m trying to wake them up before it’s too late.
I wish I could see happy people around me but everyone just keeps looking in the wrong places. Some even look for happiness in other persons. Now ain’t that stupid.. Happiness is a state of mind, YOUR state of YOUR mind, how could anyone else help you find it?
I’m not an expert myself, but I’m good at it at least. I can make myself happy in a very short time, cause I WANT to. People don’t usually WANT to be happy, they just say they do, which is funny. You see someone crying or ranting and you try talking to them they just deny everything good that you say like ‘No, really, everything’s a mess, you don’t understand.’ Of course I understand. Everybody understands, we’re all part of the same species god damn it. Instead of doing that – annoying others and overwhelming them with your problems – you could find some bloody reasons to feel good, if that’s what you want. Reasons are everywhere if you really want to find them.
If you don’t, then stop ranting and enjoy sadness, that’s not a bad thing. Sadness is not a bad thing, but you have to admit you enjoy it first. Otherwise you’ll just be stuck in between, not knowing what the hell you want. Oh and this, by the way, is the biggest damage you can do to your brain.