Tiny detail bout feelings.

Darling, if you don’t mind me saying.. You’re amazing.. But I’m in love, and you’re not the one.

That scenario right there – WHO would like to hear that? No matter how understanding and open-minded one may be.. I mean, I try to be as caring and understanding as I can and try to put myself in everyone’s shoes, think how I would react if I were in their situation and try helping them, but this.. Honestly, if you care or start to like someone and you get that, no matter how kind and sorry they may be as they say it, you feel like shit anyway. There’s no nice way to put it.. You could say ‘You’re amazing and I’m sorry I don’t like you’ or you might as well say ‘You suck, go away.‘ The person will feel as rejected in both cases.

This is why I would rather avoid saying it as much as I can. Just say nothing, pretend it’s not there. Well of course this is a stupid advice as avoiding is not a solution but it these situations nothing is logical, when it comes to feeling NOTHING is. There is no logic in the way people lose their feelings, therefore there’s no logic in the way they gain them. It’s all chaotic, on a whim and with no sense of rationality. You cannot think AND feel, it’s either one or the other.. So how could you try to explain logically a feeling? How on earth could you rationalise AND MORE! Excuse yourself for what you feel.. That’s the stupidest thing ever..

Sorry for feeling attracted to someone else, or sorry I don’t wanna see you right now, so many situations in which people have nothing to be sorry about. It’s only natural to feel these things and denying them is like denying who you are, denying you exist. If I were to make a list of things of my own, it would take me a while.

Sorry, S., cause I fell madly and uncontrollably in love with someone else.

Sorry there were so many times I walked out on you and refused talking cause I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Sorry to the guys I had to say no to, cause I didn’t want any shallow connections at the time. 

Sorry J. for loving you like the fool I was and not realizing when it was over, when it was too late, when you were already gone, when I went too far, when I didn’t get the message.

See? The list could go on a lot but those were the recent things I have to excuse myself about.. but I won’t, not ever, not to those persons I mentioned above. Cause it’s useless. So yeah.. avoid trying to explain feelings cause you’ll never be able to, or if you do, it will all be a stupid pathetic cliche that will only make that person feel pretty much like a cliche as well.

And just one more thing, NEVER feel sorry about what you feel. Regret anything else, but not that.. that’s a complete different thing.

Radiography of love

Two years tomorrow. Two years since I first talked to you, and half a year since I’ve missed you like crazy every day of my life. I read some of our conversations, I would read them all but they’re thousands.. This is how it all started. This is to remind me why I loved you so much.

19th of August, 2009.

Alecs: you have to enjoy it and have fun, cause it`s really beautiful there

Jasper: yeah il have fun

Jasper: but i just wish i could talk to you dude!

Alecs: why?! i mean you`ll have fun, that`s what matters:P

Alecs: be happy about it

Jasper: hahah nah you dont understand :P

Alecs: make me

Jasper: i can’t

Alecs: haha why?

Jasper: coz i dont like it when i dont talk to you!

Alecs: uhm, neither do i!

Alecs: but you`ll feel okay and you`ll forget

Alecs: i mean you won`t forget me

Alecs: just forget you were feeling sad

Alecs: which is a good thing, cause we don`t want you sad, don`t we?! :P silly

Jasper: you’ll forget too then! :P

Alecs: no i won`t, cause i won`t be there having fun

Alecs: i`ll be looking at your fucking OFFLINE NAME on MSN

Jasper: you’ll be in greece! :P

Alecs: i won`t have fun in greece dude, i`m going with them!

Alecs: like it will be nice, relaxing but not.. FUN

*

21st of August, 2009

Alecs: what did you want to tell me?

Jasper: um, no

Alecs: tell me!

Jasper: i cant!

Alecs: you said you can tell me anything!

Jasper: i know :P

Alecs: and we won`t be talking in ages

Alecs: and i want to know what`s going on with you

Jasper: ah dude im so stupid

Alecs: STOP SAYING YOU ARE

Jasper: like this summer i got really close to you, and i know i shouldnt have because … i   duno i always love things that i ‘cant have’ you know? and it sucks and i just know that stuffs guna get so hard when i  go back to school because it always does

Jasper: you just mean so much to me dude, like way too much if you ask me, and thats just talking like this, i havent even met you and i care that much for you and i dont understand and in a way i wish i didnt

Alecs: ….

Alecs: uhm, like, thanks for saying this, you made it easier for me too, haha

Jasper: haha im ridiculous

Jasper: dont tell me im not

Alecs: do you remember when i told you that if i`ll ever get too close to you, i`ll have to delete you for ever? haha

Alecs: uhm of course i was kidding then, but it kind of happened, and i know it`s stupid, i  don`t even want to admit it, cause it`s absurd

Alecs: and like i always make it harder for me you know?

Alecs: i somehow manage to complicate things everytime and i make myself suffer

Alecs: and this is really stupid, honestly

Alecs: i wish it wasn`t like that either

Alecs: and telling you this, feels even more stupid

Alecs: but i don`t want to go, and i don`t want you to go

Jasper: me either

Jasper: but it is stupid, i hate it, i just wish we lived close and could be like normal friends

Looking back and reading these now I realize how much has changed, how much it’s been. I don’t recognize myself in those lines, but I surely recognize him. That’s exactly how I remembered him. So weird to think it was only two years ago, I was just a kid. I wish I could have that summer back, if only for a few days.. that would be.. ‘fun-toss-teak’.

StumbleUpon Past

There’s an amazing add-on called StumbleUpon that you install on your browser and each time you press its button it takes you to mostly incredible sites that you would never find, related to the interests you set for yourself. I use it when I’m bored sometimes and today it kept me busy for 2 hours. Unfortunately, I have just stopped stumbling as it took me to this random quote website, and reading those quotes that I know many may think are useless and shallow and childish, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I hadn’t cried in a long time.

Basically, I was just reading them without thinking about anything and my eyes got wet all of a sudden and then it all went to hell. I sorta feel alright now though. I feel human-ish. Emotions are something completely normal and although they say it’s psychologically proven that all emotion pain lasts for 12 minutes while the rest is self-inflicted.. Mine lasted a bit longer. I’m a drama queen, what can I say. Anyway, here are some quotes:

Alright, some may say they’re too sloppy but.. honestly.. Have you never felt it?!

Dudeness,

I cannot sleep (AGAIN).

What sucks though, is that I can almost hear your childish voice saying

 

 

‘Don’t worry, dude, it’ll be alright. I’m here and I love you dude.’ 

And although you’re not here anymore, I still say to myself ‘I know it will. I love you too.’

Ideas upon life

These two years that have passed (since the summer of 2009) I have encountered the highest highs and the lowest lows of all the eighteen years I have lived, and I believe it’s fairly righteous to say I’ve learnt quite a few things. To be honest, I think it’s an amazing feeling to be able to look back upon a certain time of your life and realize that you have discovered something, that you are a bit wiser and know a tiny bit more about the complexity of human beings and relationships. It makes you feel not useless.

Now, I don’t know if what I learnt is universally true, I don’t even know if it is mildly true, but this is how it worked for me, and I have a feeling my life’s not different than everyone else’s.. So here it goes:

1. People are not the same, and sure as hell people are not equal. 

2. If you want summin to be done right you’ve got to do it yourself.

3. The feeling that you cannot be hurt (morally) is immense.

4. Appearances are extremely deceitful.

5. Money is way easier to spend when it belongs to someone else.

6. Words mean fuck all and are just a way to distract people from the truth.

7. When you are sick, your whole universe crumbles down.

8. The best and most intense love is the one which ends too soon.

9. No one can be trusted.

10. We never learn, we never change. 

Alright, this is it. I must say I have gone through some serious damage to figure these things out on my own and I am well proud of myself. Two years, my bloody decalogue (not meant to be 10, it must be some kinda magic). As I said, I don’t know if they apply to anyone else, but that’s what my experiences made me believe so far.. If anyone has any objections, I would love to hear them.

My own therapist

I want you to look at these pictures.. and tell me how they make you feel. You can cry if you want to, say, or do anything. I am not here to stop you. But please look at these pictures. What do you see? Do you recognise anything? Anything at all? Who is that person who appears in every single one of them? Who does that violin belong to? Who lives in that room? What do you know about that fountain? Who arranged those socks on the table and what does it read? Can you remember? Who was that person who sent all these pictures?

Look at them and tell me..

Are you afraid?

Do you see him?

Do you want to know more?

He’s closer than you think. Him, but not the truth, no. Between him and that stands something too big for you to overcome.

Now look at this particular one. Look at his face. Ignore the reactions of your body and mind the brain. What do you feel..?

Damn it. I don’t know him. This is too hard.

Short letter

Dear Universe,

I am well aware of the fact that ever single human being is actually alone through their suffering, happiness, and eventually death. This is why I’m asking you to prevent people from acting like they care or have any intentions to be there for other people when they obviously don’t.

Honestly, it’s disappointing and useless and we should stop doing that. Thank you very much.

Yours sincerely,

A human being.

Let.It.Out

I was thinking today that it’s been a ridiculously long time since I last cried. I know it sounds rather pathetic, but what I mean is, it’s been a long time since I got all these memories and fears and stress out. I’m afraid that if I keep it going like I’ll end up having a nervous breakdown at some point, as I never seem to open up enough.

Stephen said that if I can’t cry it’s probably because I don’t need to, but I do actually. I need that a lot, as I’m shit at these yoga, zen things. I just wanna cry everything out but I can’t. Sometimes I may shed a couple of tears of anger but that rarely happens anyway, and it’s not considered crying.

I’m talking about the real mess, the one when you need to be alone with lots of tissues and good music. Maybe some photos too. Or papers. Or virtual saved archive or whatever. Now THAT is the best cure ever. It bloody hurts but you feel such a huge relief afterward. I am one step away from turning into one of those desperate girls who actually make efforts to cry. The lowest I’ve gone so far was to just stare blankly for a few minutes thinking about everything bad/painful/shameful but I felt nothing more than a weird stitch in my chest and shaky hands.

I am under the impression something important happened and that something is what stops me from crying now. You know, like people who suffer traumas then stop speaking or lose their memory. Oh well, I can’t really say I’ve been through that, but God knows (actually not) I haven’t been myself for several days after that last time I cried. Sheesh…

A few months ago I dealt with severe nightmares, and I don’t mean the kinda nightmare when you’re running late for work. Nah. I mean horrible nightmares. Then I went through that ‘trauma’, and I stayed awake for three freaking days cause I was too afraid to go to sleep. Then everything stopped – the nightmares, the crying, everything. It’s like I’ve become numb. No matter how mad or sad I get now I can never let it out and I blame that event for it..

The last time I cried my arse off was somewhere during November of last year. It was when I realised I’d never talk to J again – when I realised he would never come back. Not then, not ever. He just disappeared like.. I don’t know, like you’d never think it can happen. I remember how I read thousands of texts and archives and letters and it hurt like hell but as hard as it is talking about it now (which I never do by the way..) I don’t feel like crying at all. It’s.. I don’t know, it’s gone. It’s all gone, ha. As funny and absurd it may sound.

So, yeah.. I haven’t cried in a while. Six months now? Damn, that’s a long time for a girl.

Not the end..

The world’s always on the move. Everywhere around the globe, people leave. They get promoted, get jobs, go to schools, their families drag them away and so on.. And they leave others who love them behind. I wish you understood that. I wish I could talk to you about how I see this whole thing and maybe you wouldn’t be so depressed then, but you refuse to let me in, and I am sick of trying.

I know I’m not the one who’s being left behind, and to be honest the line between pointing out the facts and being a twat is very fine in this situation. I don’t know if I have any right at all to talk about this so naturally. I don’t know how you feel. It just drives me crazy to see how you constantly drive this subject to the point that I feel so bloody guilty and I am literally left speechless. Yesterday you said ‘I guess that moment when we’ll be together all the time will never come, aye?‘ .. It hit me out of nowhere. Just like that. And I couldn’t utter a word cause of that guilt that suffocated me. That was all I could feel..

You take it as I am being the one who’s leaving YOU when it’s actually me going away cause I have to. Staying was never an option. I see you the way I thought I never will, cause all you taught me.. All these things that I learned from YOU and make me feel better now.. Gee, it’s like you’ve forgot everything. And the worst thing is that I can’t say anything. I can’t talk you out of it. I can’t say ‘You’re being utterly irrational and over-depressed, get better, think it through, find a solution and stop being miserable.’ cause that would make me a twat. Like, I’m the cause of it and I’m telling you to move on..?

This is the last thing I wanted to happen – you thinking I have no consideration for our relationship. Cause I fucking do, I love you. And the reason I’m not crying and counting the months till it’s gonna happen is because I don’t see it like you do. I see a future. You see the ending. I refuse to let anything get between us as long as I still have feelings for you, and I want you to come with me eventually. I wanna spend all my holidays with you and be there, with you.

If only I could tell you these things without looking into your eyes feeling like the biggest knob ever. Now everytime we see each other and I’m about to leave I’m expecting you to say something related to that, that will just add up to my already huge guilt. Our communication is practically zero when it comes to this subject and if anything, I know I’m not the one to blame for that. At least for that..

Why we’re not happy

We all need to relax from time to time, and we have our different ways to do it, but how many people really ask themselves ‘How exactly should I do it?’. I bet not many. Imagine a sheet of paper. White, blank, unstained. Perfect. Pure. That is bliss.

Then imagine taking a pencil and scratching and scribbling stuff all over it until it becomes impossible to see the white anymore. This is what we do to our brain daily by letting in all the problems and bad thoughts and negative energy invade our head. In order to relax, this is exactly what you have to stop – the pencil. And in order to do so, we need to accept everything and anything.

I know this may sound like a cliche and hard or maybe useless, but it’s the only way. Accept, accept, accept everything around you. Stop anger and gossip and illusions and just control yourself. Control your thoughts, you’re the only one who can do it. If you manage to do that, you’ll be happy, trust me. You’ll feel good. You don’t have to like everyone or keep smiling or whatever, but instead of letting the negative karma get you, just ignore it. Get it out of your brain. Say ‘Ok, I am in charge here and you won’t ruin my day!’.

It took me a while to realise I was in control of everything that happened to me, that I could sort my thoughts and get rid of the bad ones, but when I did I felt relieved.

I know people that just can’t chill. They keep talking and thinking and are too stressed to watch a movie or read something without checking the time every half an hour. I’m trying hard to make them understand life, cause I love them. Usually people who do this are seen as irresponsible and immature, sometimes even ignorant. It’s such a paradox, when I’m aware of everything that’s going on around me and still I get the one who’s being called that cause I’m trying to wake them up before it’s too late.

I wish I could see happy people around me but everyone just keeps looking in the wrong places. Some even look for happiness in other persons. Now ain’t that stupid.. Happiness is a state of mind, YOUR state of YOUR mind, how could anyone else help you find it?

I’m not an expert myself, but I’m good at it at least. I can make myself happy in a very short time, cause I WANT to. People don’t usually WANT to be happy, they just say they do, which is funny. You see someone crying or ranting and you try talking to them they just deny everything good that you say like ‘No, really, everything’s a mess, you don’t understand.’ Of course I understand. Everybody understands, we’re all part of the same species god damn it. Instead of doing that – annoying others and overwhelming them with your problems – you could find some bloody reasons to feel good, if that’s what you want. Reasons are everywhere if you really want to find them.

If you don’t, then stop ranting and enjoy sadness, that’s not a bad thing. Sadness is not a bad thing, but you have to admit you enjoy it first. Otherwise you’ll just be stuck in between, not knowing what the hell you want. Oh and this, by the way, is the biggest damage you can do to your brain.