Some more anger

Well, I’m fairly pissed off today. Besides the fact that I spent half of the day doing something I didn’t want to, I had the stupidest argument with someone who is very dear to me. What’s the worst though, is that I don’t know where it came from.

There’s times like these I realize how relationships can easily be ruined, friendships can be broken and so on. Nothing really matters or lasts in life, we just feel that it does for a short, insignificant amount of time until something changes then it’s all gone. Words like ‘forever’ and ‘never’ should not exist when it comes to human-ish things, we should not be allowed to use them for we know fuck all about their meanings. We’re just worthless pathetic creatures. We are nothing compared to.. well, anything: time, space, the universe, even OUR bloody planet. We think we’re important but in fact, we aren’t. Everyday stuff keeps us busy, makes us forget what and who we are, and that we aren’t gonna stick around much longer.

There’s times like these, when from a silly argument I come to blame human race, including myself, for being so ridiculously stupid and absurd. I know we should not have the so-called ‘expectations’, that we should not expect people to react the way we want them to because they have a whole other way of thinking, they are unpredictable and most of the times illogical in their actions. I know that every disappointment others bring us is actually our mind being let down cause of something it itself created, and I know there is no one to blame but our selves, or in this case, my self. My self for being so ignorant and arrogant, for thinking drawing plans of the future is like drawing an apple. For not realising there is no tiny reason, not even one, why others should do what I would do.

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You know what sucks big time? When someone says something… when someone says something and you have no idea what to answer. It’s when they say something and it confuses the shit outta you and you’re just sat there with literally nothing to say, hoping they would add something or let it go, but they usually don’t. Hell no, they don’t.And then you have to think of three things. One is what on the world made them say that, try to understand them. Second one is how it makes you feel, and third one is what you should say. Isn’t that hard? I feel it is. I feel it’s bloody hard and there’s only so many people who care about that..

Sad. Really, really sad.

My definition of ‘special people’

This post is gonna be a bit random kinda reflecting my thoughts. First of all, I have to say I completely reject the ‘optimistic-pessimistic’ comparison. That does not exist, but instead there are people who reason, and people who are not capable of this ‘superior’ cognitive function that our brain seems to posses (yeah, no kidding, studies have shown!)

Secondly, I know I’m not supposed to start all my sentences with ‘I hate’, ‘I can’t stand’ and so on, but really, it’s not me who’s overreacting, it is most people’s fault for being so bloody stupid! Now of course, everyone has got 2 options: they either try to accept everything in order to be relaxed and wise and blissful (I’m planning to get there in 20-30 years), or  they keep on hating and being shocked and disgusted by the rubbish surrounding them (which is what I do, considering the fact that I’m still 18, still stupid, still impulsive, still rebellious).

Therefore, considering the fact that I have decided I shall choose the hater’s way and exposed my ever-so-wise reasons, time for some more discriminating, mean posts.

Theorem. Some people can be replaced, some people can’t. 

Proof: Supposing someone you love walks out of your life, or moves away, or dies. Anyhow, they disappear, and you don’t want them to. At least at the beginning, if not for the rest of their lives, people will try to bring back their memory or compare others with them, even unconsciously. Sometimes, we can be reminded of a loved one just by seeing a stranger wearing their hair like them, or hearing they like the same sport, or that particular band. I assume everyone has that – that one person they would get back in a blink of an eye. Thing is.. I’m not sure how many people are really irreplaceable. Well of course, I don’t mean it like you could actually get an identical copy of that person, but some people are.. well, they’re bloody average, let’s be honest.

I’m talking about the things they do and say, but mostly, about the things they THINK. For example, I love, eh, quite a few people, but of all of them, there are only two that could hardly be compared to anyone else. The rest of them are great but they’re not, let’s say, amazingly special. You’re not special for liking some good movies, or great songs, or having blue eyes, or cooking for your family, or ringing your wife/boyfriend/whatever everyday, no. None of these things make you special, they just make you unique, and that’s not worth shit cause everyone is unique. Not everyone’s special though, that’s what I’m trying to say.

Special is having abilities that not many people have, that’s what makes you irreplaceable in my opinion. Not many people have a sense of humour (although many think they do, you’re either born with it or not and most aren’t), not many people can play the flute or the violin, not many people can skate like crazy, not many people can write literature, not many people can talk in 3 different languages.. Of course the examples could go on forever, what I’m trying to say is, you can replace someone who’s taking you to the movies every friday and buys you chocolate whenever you meet and likes the same music as you. That’s very simple.

The ones who are really irreplaceable are the ones who have a range of abilities you could spend a lifetime looking for in others. The ones who blow you away and don’t even try to. There are few persons in the world who can do that, in my opinion. I’m not one of them, that’s for sure, and that’s why I’m glad to have met a couple.

Oh, and as an advice .. Try to ponder a bit over the qualities and flaws someone has before you lose precious time of your life feeling sorry they’re gone. Just saying, they may not be that ‘special’.

What I’m up to these days

Sometimes I wonder how much it takes for someone to crack up. Eckhart Tolle, a man who has been a great inspiration to me, got to be the wonderful, blissful person he is now specifically cause of suffering too much. After having a horrible life as a teenager, he said the change came in one day. That’s all it took.. Cause he felt he had had enough. He just couldn’t take it anymore, so he made it different once and for all. He believes people will suffer until the pain is literally too much to take, in which case they either end their life or change it completely.

My question is, when do people have enough? Well, of course it’s not a general answer to that but.. what does it take? Illness, problems or.. memories? In my opinion, memories could do it easily, especially cause if your mind is messed up it affects your body as well and you end up being sick. The reason I’m curious about that is that my mental health is going to hell more and more each day, cause of memories and stress. I guess that’s what happens when you let your past take over your life.

I am trying to convince myself that I don’t need counseling, that it will just go away, but I’m not so sure about it now. Instead of getting better I end up bothering nice people with it and RANTING? Honestly, I’m not this person, I hate complaining and telling ‘stories’ about myself, but yesterday was just too much, and I hate how the other people involved in this reacted. I saw no point in taking revenge on him, although I can honestly say I was the most affected by the whole thing.

This is like the biggest paradox I had to face : I call myself a future psychologist and I was not able to accept the idea of someone suffering from a severe mental disorder. Some would see it like a warning, maybe this job will affect me more in the future, but I want to do it anyway. In a weird, sick way, I feel I owe this to him. There were times when I could’ve acted differently but I didn’t and in fact I may have influenced his illness a lot more than I’m aware of, and I pity him.

I would have appreciated if it hadn’t fucked with my brain so much though. That’s the only thing I regret.. The panic attacks, paranoia and the incredibly weird dreams. Oh, and being such a mess that I make people around me sad.. And disappoint them. Way to go, Alex. Way to screw things up again and again and again and congratulations for trusting your amazingly accurate female intuition that almost got you in a mental hospital as well. Preferably other than the Bethlem Royal Hospital though, I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life doing what I did in the past two years.

Why we’re not happy

We all need to relax from time to time, and we have our different ways to do it, but how many people really ask themselves ‘How exactly should I do it?’. I bet not many. Imagine a sheet of paper. White, blank, unstained. Perfect. Pure. That is bliss.

Then imagine taking a pencil and scratching and scribbling stuff all over it until it becomes impossible to see the white anymore. This is what we do to our brain daily by letting in all the problems and bad thoughts and negative energy invade our head. In order to relax, this is exactly what you have to stop – the pencil. And in order to do so, we need to accept everything and anything.

I know this may sound like a cliche and hard or maybe useless, but it’s the only way. Accept, accept, accept everything around you. Stop anger and gossip and illusions and just control yourself. Control your thoughts, you’re the only one who can do it. If you manage to do that, you’ll be happy, trust me. You’ll feel good. You don’t have to like everyone or keep smiling or whatever, but instead of letting the negative karma get you, just ignore it. Get it out of your brain. Say ‘Ok, I am in charge here and you won’t ruin my day!’.

It took me a while to realise I was in control of everything that happened to me, that I could sort my thoughts and get rid of the bad ones, but when I did I felt relieved.

I know people that just can’t chill. They keep talking and thinking and are too stressed to watch a movie or read something without checking the time every half an hour. I’m trying hard to make them understand life, cause I love them. Usually people who do this are seen as irresponsible and immature, sometimes even ignorant. It’s such a paradox, when I’m aware of everything that’s going on around me and still I get the one who’s being called that cause I’m trying to wake them up before it’s too late.

I wish I could see happy people around me but everyone just keeps looking in the wrong places. Some even look for happiness in other persons. Now ain’t that stupid.. Happiness is a state of mind, YOUR state of YOUR mind, how could anyone else help you find it?

I’m not an expert myself, but I’m good at it at least. I can make myself happy in a very short time, cause I WANT to. People don’t usually WANT to be happy, they just say they do, which is funny. You see someone crying or ranting and you try talking to them they just deny everything good that you say like ‘No, really, everything’s a mess, you don’t understand.’ Of course I understand. Everybody understands, we’re all part of the same species god damn it. Instead of doing that – annoying others and overwhelming them with your problems – you could find some bloody reasons to feel good, if that’s what you want. Reasons are everywhere if you really want to find them.

If you don’t, then stop ranting and enjoy sadness, that’s not a bad thing. Sadness is not a bad thing, but you have to admit you enjoy it first. Otherwise you’ll just be stuck in between, not knowing what the hell you want. Oh and this, by the way, is the biggest damage you can do to your brain.