Tag Archives: psychology

Kamikaze

How hard is it actually, for the psychologist to become the patient? How long, and how hard, and how much does it take? What if one falls in love with their patient, suppose that patient is all they could ever wish for, suppose it’s a great patient. Maybe he isn’t even sick, say he’s there for other reasons. What if he never gets well though? What if he disappears and she cannot accept that she couldn’t cure him, that she wasn’t all he needed. That she needed him but he needed something else.

What if, at that point when the patient goes away, she herself becomes him. What if she loses her bloody mind. 

 

I get the feeling more and more that this is how I will be for the rest of my life. This is how I’ve always been.. I see no reason why things would be different in the future. The official definition for Kamikaze is someone who is willing to lose their life to commit a terrorist attack in the name of a strong belief, such as religion. I have a definition of my own though.. and that is, someone who is willing to risk their safety or sanity to get involved in something inappropriate, useless, dangerous or prone to produce great emotional pain, for ABSOLUTELY no decent reason.

That’s how I am. Ever since I’ve known myself, I’ve always got into the stupidest and complicated situations and always had to squeeze my brains out to find a solution, or to get better. It’s like.. tell me something that sounds impossible and it will attract me so much that I will do my best to be part of it. I’ve never planned it to be like that, I just get too emotionally involved or care too much about people.. I can’t just abandon someone I care about. I thought about that so many times, but as time went by it got harder and harder to just walk out of it, leave him. Pretend I’ve never met him, never loved him. He did it though, so now I wish I had had the strength.. Anyway, I guess lots of people do that.

It just HAS to get complicated, doesn’t it? Some people just aren’t happy if things are too okay and easy to deal with. They need complications, adventure, taking risks, and they will find any excuses possible to have that. ‘My relationship at the moment is boring.’ ‘He doesn’t understand me.’ ‘I need a change.’ ‘I’ve always wanted to live there actually!’ ‘It can’t be that bad!’ … These are just regular excuses, not to mention sayings such as ‘If it feels good, it can’t be that bad.‘ or ‘I’d rather regret something I’ve done than something I haven’t.’ 

All these sayings and ideas have just encouraged me for so many years to do the most foolish things one could, because I’m impulsive and because I don’t realize what the implications are. I always realize when it’s already too late, this is why I believe I’m a ‘kamikaze’. Is someone too far? too fucked-up-in-the-brain? impossible to be with? Cool, then why shouldn’t I madly fall in love with them, spend a couple of years loving them, then another couple of years regretting I ever did? Cool indeed, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

Is someone an outsider? a social-reject? Someone with a major flaw or really not good to be around? Great, I’ll make them my friend and care about them way more than I should, then when it gets hard and I always have to be there for them, I’ll just spend time wondering why I got myself into it.

No problem, really. I enjoy doing this.. Sometimes I wonder how no one noticed how massively messed up I am and tried helping ME. That’s maybe because I’m too busy helping others and the only time I have for myself is late at night when I’m trying to sleep and can’t cause of the nightmares and panic attacks. Whenever I feel like that, I tell myself it’s only my fault, I’m the only one to blame for everything that’s happening to me.. J., S., and all the other friends that I love, friends with problems.. I’m really glad to be loving you guys, I’m glad to be helping you whenever I can.. but.. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do this, for I’m going mad myself. And honestly, I don’t think YOU care enough to listen to MY problems. So.. yeah.. kamikaze much?


What I’m up to these days

Sometimes I wonder how much it takes for someone to crack up. Eckhart Tolle, a man who has been a great inspiration to me, got to be the wonderful, blissful person he is now specifically cause of suffering too much. After having a horrible life as a teenager, he said the change came in one day. That’s all it took.. Cause he felt he had had enough. He just couldn’t take it anymore, so he made it different once and for all. He believes people will suffer until the pain is literally too much to take, in which case they either end their life or change it completely.

My question is, when do people have enough? Well, of course it’s not a general answer to that but.. what does it take? Illness, problems or.. memories? In my opinion, memories could do it easily, especially cause if your mind is messed up it affects your body as well and you end up being sick. The reason I’m curious about that is that my mental health is going to hell more and more each day, cause of memories and stress. I guess that’s what happens when you let your past take over your life.

I am trying to convince myself that I don’t need counseling, that it will just go away, but I’m not so sure about it now. Instead of getting better I end up bothering nice people with it and RANTING? Honestly, I’m not this person, I hate complaining and telling ‘stories’ about myself, but yesterday was just too much, and I hate how the other people involved in this reacted. I saw no point in taking revenge on him, although I can honestly say I was the most affected by the whole thing.

This is like the biggest paradox I had to face : I call myself a future psychologist and I was not able to accept the idea of someone suffering from a severe mental disorder. Some would see it like a warning, maybe this job will affect me more in the future, but I want to do it anyway. In a weird, sick way, I feel I owe this to him. There were times when I could’ve acted differently but I didn’t and in fact I may have influenced his illness a lot more than I’m aware of, and I pity him.

I would have appreciated if it hadn’t fucked with my brain so much though. That’s the only thing I regret.. The panic attacks, paranoia and the incredibly weird dreams. Oh, and being such a mess that I make people around me sad.. And disappoint them. Way to go, Alex. Way to screw things up again and again and again and congratulations for trusting your amazingly accurate female intuition that almost got you in a mental hospital as well. Preferably other than the Bethlem Royal Hospital though, I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life doing what I did in the past two years.


Conflicts

Conflicts.. don’t we just love them? If we could watch any day of our lives the way we watch movies (another thing we seem to worship as well), I think we’d actually end up feeling pity for the human race whose reputation we constantly ruin with all the useless stuff we do.

Think about all the stupid reasons that make us pollute the universe with bad thoughts and energy. It is hilarious. Throughout my life, I’ve noticed a fair amount people didn’t seem to like me, and that is fine by me. Plus, I find it absolutely pointless to respond to a conflict.  Really, why would you do that? .. To prove you’re better? Well guess what, if you insult back and reply to all the nonsense there’s no way on earth you’ll ever be better. Not to you, not to anyone else.

Besides, the ones who start conflicts, obviously think that you’re wrong/stupid/arrogant/whatever and want you to replace your point of view with theirs. Keep it between me and you, this form of inducing an idea actually means the person badly needs acceptance and acknowledge from others because they don’t trust themselves enough. Needless to say it’s the stupidest way to try to dominate, but oh well, long live ignorance.

Have you noticed there are some people who just seem to NEED to argue? I know quite a few. They always seem to have something against .. everything. And this is why they do it – cause they seek approval. The more you try to impose an idea, the more unsure you are it is true. Think about it – there are times when you are 100% positive about something and if anyone wants to say the opposite you really refuse to engage in the conversation, like ‘I won’t even bother explaining this to you.’ Now, THAT is the right attitude. Besides if you think it through, why do you need them to think the same as you?

I would hate it if everyone thought like me. So what if they’re wrong? Fuck em, what do you care?

I tried dealing with people’s anger in every way I could. Sometimes it takes unearthly efforts to put up with it, but it’s worth it. I’ve found the best way to dominate an argument (cause that’s what we seem to want eventually) and prove we are better is to ignore it. Just pretend it didn’t happen. Smile. DO NOT say a word! Trust me, this is like the best recipe ever to shut people’s mouth. Action through non-action, that’s one of the most useful Taoist teachings. The Chinese got it right.

It will drive them crazy, but that’s not what we want (or at least, that’s not what we SHOULD want) – what really matters is that it will make them face their selves. They’ll be forced to look inside and do some introspection, even involuntarily. Then something will tell them they’re wrong, and they’ll try to make that uncomfortable feeling go by yelling/insulting/sending more texts/calling more, etc. Anything it takes for you to respond and feed their frustrations. But DON’T DO IT.

Sometimes I feel bad for the people I love when I see them get mad and I just choose not to react, cause they often think I don’t care enough or don’t love them or I’m ignorant or whatever. I don’t mind that. The key is to feel relief when they get that bad energy poisoning their brain out, and don’t fight it. You’ll only make things worse, so let them say what they want and listen to them, cause that’s their raw self speaking. Take advantage of it and try to help them later, or if you don’t wanna do that, take advantage of it and remember their weaknesses. Anyhow, feel their relief and look at it as a good thing instead of being offended or feeling disappointed.

We should never feel ‘disappointed’ in others, that’s another stupid concept people invented to make others do what they want them to do, some sort of subtle blackmail. For example – I am disappointed you didn’t remember I had an exam today. Why should they anyway? We are in-di-vi-du-als, which means our actions and thoughts are unique and we sort them and use them the way we want to. We are not related to each other, although sometimes it bloody looks like it.

My point is.. feel good, accept others being angry, understand that as a natural reaction, and listen to whatever they’re saying. At least you know for sure they’re being honest in those moments.


Lies

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Lies. I don’t wanna write 2 pages of philosophy about telling the truth or lying or when it’s better to lie. I don’t disapprove that strongly of lying. I’m okay with lying sometimes, and you know why? Cause I know how people work. I myself have been a human for some years now, and I can honestly say the thing  I hate most about us is hypocrisy.

I hate it how everyone has principles and moral values when it comes to others but they don’t give a shit about those when their arse is in trouble.

I’ve been lied to big time for over a year. Yeah I know, that makes me sound a bit like an idiot, or to put it nicer, naive. In my defense though, I will say – that person had massive issues. With his brain, I mean. He believed everything he said himself, so you can see how severe it was. No one could’ve told it was a lie – and no one ever thought it could be. Although having been through this would usually make people hate lies, I’m okay with it.

I was going through McDrive with someone the other day and the guy working there asked us ‘Have you tried the latest …?’ We were in a hurry, so we said ‘Yeah yeah we did, thanks.’ Do you think this classifies as a lie? It barely hurt anyone, right? I know there was always the other option, saying ‘No we haven’t but we don’t care and we gotta get going so please shut up and take our order already, will you?’, but my guess is that he would’ve taken it badly. Therefore, we lied. A lot of people actually force us to tell lies cause they just refuse to hear and understand our truth. And we always do what’s best for us. One way or another, we do what suits US most.

Long story short, I agree with lying when you know that person wouldn’t understand you, and lying about YOURSELF only. I don’t agree with lying when it’s without reason, and by that I mean inventing stuff about you or others (lying about others is just horrible). I think not telling the truth when it’s convenient is part of the human nature, so why try to deny something that’s part of who we are as species? It’s been proven that kids from the earliest ages tell lies and hide stuff cause it’s in their instinct.

Therefore, if you agree with the self-preservation aspect, you HAVE to agree with lying and stop being a hypocrite.


Why we’re not happy

We all need to relax from time to time, and we have our different ways to do it, but how many people really ask themselves ‘How exactly should I do it?’. I bet not many. Imagine a sheet of paper. White, blank, unstained. Perfect. Pure. That is bliss.

Then imagine taking a pencil and scratching and scribbling stuff all over it until it becomes impossible to see the white anymore. This is what we do to our brain daily by letting in all the problems and bad thoughts and negative energy invade our head. In order to relax, this is exactly what you have to stop – the pencil. And in order to do so, we need to accept everything and anything.

I know this may sound like a cliche and hard or maybe useless, but it’s the only way. Accept, accept, accept everything around you. Stop anger and gossip and illusions and just control yourself. Control your thoughts, you’re the only one who can do it. If you manage to do that, you’ll be happy, trust me. You’ll feel good. You don’t have to like everyone or keep smiling or whatever, but instead of letting the negative karma get you, just ignore it. Get it out of your brain. Say ‘Ok, I am in charge here and you won’t ruin my day!’.

It took me a while to realise I was in control of everything that happened to me, that I could sort my thoughts and get rid of the bad ones, but when I did I felt relieved.

I know people that just can’t chill. They keep talking and thinking and are too stressed to watch a movie or read something without checking the time every half an hour. I’m trying hard to make them understand life, cause I love them. Usually people who do this are seen as irresponsible and immature, sometimes even ignorant. It’s such a paradox, when I’m aware of everything that’s going on around me and still I get the one who’s being called that cause I’m trying to wake them up before it’s too late.

I wish I could see happy people around me but everyone just keeps looking in the wrong places. Some even look for happiness in other persons. Now ain’t that stupid.. Happiness is a state of mind, YOUR state of YOUR mind, how could anyone else help you find it?

I’m not an expert myself, but I’m good at it at least. I can make myself happy in a very short time, cause I WANT to. People don’t usually WANT to be happy, they just say they do, which is funny. You see someone crying or ranting and you try talking to them they just deny everything good that you say like ‘No, really, everything’s a mess, you don’t understand.’ Of course I understand. Everybody understands, we’re all part of the same species god damn it. Instead of doing that – annoying others and overwhelming them with your problems – you could find some bloody reasons to feel good, if that’s what you want. Reasons are everywhere if you really want to find them.

If you don’t, then stop ranting and enjoy sadness, that’s not a bad thing. Sadness is not a bad thing, but you have to admit you enjoy it first. Otherwise you’ll just be stuck in between, not knowing what the hell you want. Oh and this, by the way, is the biggest damage you can do to your brain.


I’d like to tell myself I never wanted to see what you look like. I’d like to tell myself I didn’t look up your profile as soon as I knew your real name. I’d like to say I didn’t specifically searched for your name in the first place. .. Thom..
I’d like to tell myself I just saw your profile once, and I never came back. That I never messaged you cause I found it useless. I’d like to tell myself I don’t check up on you every now and then.

I would like to tell myself the same thing I say to others. I’d like to be that rational, that.. that strong. That determined. I am not. I’m emotional and impulsive and I hate it. I’d like it all to have been different.

I still can’t believe this whole thing, maybe that’s why I always come back, duno. It’s unreal.

I’d like to tell myself I got over it, that I could accept it, that I forgave you in the end, I understood. I didn’t. I suck at this. I couldn’t ever resist you. It’s been two years of you messing with my brain now.  Meditation, psychology, calm, theories, teachings, patience, ration, EVERYTHING falls apart when it comes to you.

 
Everything.