Heavy

I haven’t felt like I did today in months. It’s been a horrible day and I remembered all sorta things that got me in the condition I am now. I’ve been somewhere, then got home, then went somewhere else, then got home, then went somewhere ELSE. DAMN, it is exhausting. Tomorrow I’m going away again and I had to pack and everything and everyone around me has done nothing but bring me down all day long.

I had to put up with dad’s stupid comments, mum’s yelling as always. She even yells when she’s helping me, sheesh. At some point I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, my head was about to explode and I went to take a shower but that didn’t go well either cause I couldn’t breathe for a few seconds and I well panicked and had to bite my knee to recover. I know it sounds weird, but it was an instinct which turned out to be the best solution at the time. Then all of a sudden I felt I missed S a lot, not like in being with him or loving him, just.. I missed him as a friend. He is the best listener I’ve seen. really.

I wished I could just ring him up and tell him how I felt about going away this autumn and about mum and dad and that I’m just tired.. I wished I could tell him that and he’d just shut up for minutes the way he always did then say something clever that made me feel better. Boy, did he know how to make me feel better. He bloody knows me better than I do. For the first time in four years, I missed him as a friend. I wanted him to tell me something, hear his voice and know he’s there. Just hear something ridiculous, like ‘how does that make you feel?’ or ‘it has to do with your childhood’ would’ve been enough. ANYTHING would’ve been enough.

I still feel I wanna talk to him but I know it’s pointless and he won’t give me that side of him anyway. He would be rude and mean cause .. well.. I know him quite well myself. His birthday is coming though and I WILL ring him up then. Just wish him happy birthday and the stupid cliches.. I’ll just hide the fact that he means more to me than most of the people I’ve ever met. Anyway. Don’t wanna make this sound pathetic. I’m tired and I just wanted to write this down I could tell no one about it and I feel bad about myself for so many reasons. I’ve let myself down, that’s … about … it.

And for me, that’s very, but VERY hard to live with.

Radiography of love

Two years tomorrow. Two years since I first talked to you, and half a year since I’ve missed you like crazy every day of my life. I read some of our conversations, I would read them all but they’re thousands.. This is how it all started. This is to remind me why I loved you so much.

19th of August, 2009.

Alecs: you have to enjoy it and have fun, cause it`s really beautiful there

Jasper: yeah il have fun

Jasper: but i just wish i could talk to you dude!

Alecs: why?! i mean you`ll have fun, that`s what matters:P

Alecs: be happy about it

Jasper: hahah nah you dont understand :P

Alecs: make me

Jasper: i can’t

Alecs: haha why?

Jasper: coz i dont like it when i dont talk to you!

Alecs: uhm, neither do i!

Alecs: but you`ll feel okay and you`ll forget

Alecs: i mean you won`t forget me

Alecs: just forget you were feeling sad

Alecs: which is a good thing, cause we don`t want you sad, don`t we?! :P silly

Jasper: you’ll forget too then! :P

Alecs: no i won`t, cause i won`t be there having fun

Alecs: i`ll be looking at your fucking OFFLINE NAME on MSN

Jasper: you’ll be in greece! :P

Alecs: i won`t have fun in greece dude, i`m going with them!

Alecs: like it will be nice, relaxing but not.. FUN

*

21st of August, 2009

Alecs: what did you want to tell me?

Jasper: um, no

Alecs: tell me!

Jasper: i cant!

Alecs: you said you can tell me anything!

Jasper: i know :P

Alecs: and we won`t be talking in ages

Alecs: and i want to know what`s going on with you

Jasper: ah dude im so stupid

Alecs: STOP SAYING YOU ARE

Jasper: like this summer i got really close to you, and i know i shouldnt have because … i   duno i always love things that i ‘cant have’ you know? and it sucks and i just know that stuffs guna get so hard when i  go back to school because it always does

Jasper: you just mean so much to me dude, like way too much if you ask me, and thats just talking like this, i havent even met you and i care that much for you and i dont understand and in a way i wish i didnt

Alecs: ….

Alecs: uhm, like, thanks for saying this, you made it easier for me too, haha

Jasper: haha im ridiculous

Jasper: dont tell me im not

Alecs: do you remember when i told you that if i`ll ever get too close to you, i`ll have to delete you for ever? haha

Alecs: uhm of course i was kidding then, but it kind of happened, and i know it`s stupid, i  don`t even want to admit it, cause it`s absurd

Alecs: and like i always make it harder for me you know?

Alecs: i somehow manage to complicate things everytime and i make myself suffer

Alecs: and this is really stupid, honestly

Alecs: i wish it wasn`t like that either

Alecs: and telling you this, feels even more stupid

Alecs: but i don`t want to go, and i don`t want you to go

Jasper: me either

Jasper: but it is stupid, i hate it, i just wish we lived close and could be like normal friends

Looking back and reading these now I realize how much has changed, how much it’s been. I don’t recognize myself in those lines, but I surely recognize him. That’s exactly how I remembered him. So weird to think it was only two years ago, I was just a kid. I wish I could have that summer back, if only for a few days.. that would be.. ‘fun-toss-teak’.

Don’t panic

I don’t know what’s up with this blog that I’ve somehow managed to turn it into a proper diary, and I never meant that. I kinda used to hate them, the term sounded so girlish and.. gay, and useless. Diary.. what the hell do you need a diary for.. if you want memories, look at yourself, look at the pictures and listen to the music, you don’t need a bloody diary, that’s what I used to say. I promise myself I’ll make some nice posts in the future, stead of this stupid ranting.

 

Nevertheless, I wanna spill out here everything I couldn’t say to someone quite important, so this is it. Letter for him.

 

I don’t even know what to say first, there’s only so many things I wish I had told you that night but I couldn’t find my words. I know why you got so pissed and showed up the way you did but the talk we had was utter rubbish. If we were to have a final argument, that was definitely not what I had in mind. First of all, I didn’t want it to end cause of anyone, especially cause of  J. I would never let that interfere with our relationship cause that boy did me enough harm as it was anyway. The things you said were really absurd, as a matter a fact. The only reason why I chose to break up was you, and me. The things between us, that’s all.

Secondly, I know it was my fault for keeping you in the dark about what I was going through but the only reason I chose not to tell you was because you really hated him and I wanted to avoid hours of arguments. Plus, you were my boyfriend, I couldn’t really say that, it would’ve been awful. As I said before, I sometimes agree with lying, I admit. I lied to protect you though, not myself, as I was going through hell and could’ve actually used someone to talk to. And you proved me I was right as right after I told you, the rubbish wouldn’t stop coming. I did NOT go to London to meet him. I’ve told you once, told you a thousand times. The fact that you still doubted that after everything I confessed only strengthened my belief that you stopped being the right person for me long time ago. I cannot believe you would actually think I would lie with something that big – something that literally changed my life. And what’s sad is that I gave you no reason to treat me like that. Ever.

Beyond all that’s been said (mostly by you as I stood there in shock and amaze and .. regret), I can’t say I don’t feel sorry for all that was. You were, after all, the person who’s been with me through every big event of my life, and I was the same for you. I mean, we’ve practically known each other for years. I will never try to deny that or minimize it. It’s important, it lasts, and you will be as well. I love you and I always will, just not in that way. I find it hard to even talk to you now after the awful ‘talk’ we had the other day. You coming there was a very, but VERY bad idea, I was not prepared and you were bloody hammered. Worst circumstances to discuss years of relationship.. But it was your decision, and although you were probably not fully aware of it, it was my duty to respect it. The big mistake was that you insisted having the talk about J, and what I felt for him and everything, and I had to tell you, I had nothing to lose anyway, you already hated me.

The only reason I’m writing stuff here is cause you certainly wouldn’t wanna hear it normally, and especially not after what’s happened. So.. yeah, our last talk was a disaster, and if I could change that I really would. The way you left was awful and the way you acted like a twat (which was certainly not the you I know) put me off completely. This being said, I hope you’re happy from now on and I’m not being ironic. I care for you a great deal. That’s about it.

Impressions

I have tons of notebooks. White paper, blue paper, orange paper, old paper. Small notebooks, thin, big, coloured, striped, blank. All kinds of covers.. All kinds of notebooks from all kinds of people. Most of them were gifts (including two beautiful diaries), some of them I just bought cause I liked the designs..

Thing is, I never used them, never wrote a thing. I’m always trying to find uses for all of them but I can’t, I have nothing to say or write down. Whenever I feel inspired, I just spill everything in a Notepad page on my computer and that’s all. I could never write, I can barely express my feelings towards people. Of course, that’s not weird, what’s funny though is that I seem to think I’m very transparent. If you asked me, I let everyone know what my exact feelings are and what I think. I honestly don’t know how I could open up more than I do, but still everyone keeps telling me I’m distant and unpredictable.

That never bothered me until today, when one of the three people I tell everything to said that. THEN it really pissed me off.

I wish I knew what part of anything I say or do makes people think that about me. It’s true I’m not a hugger, or the best arse-kisser in the world. I can’t fake smiles or act like I care when I really don’t, but I’m very sympathetic to people around me and try not to be hurt them even when my brain’s boiling. I guess that’s not enough though. I need to do more in order to avoid being thought of as ‘VERY pent-up when it comes to feelings.’

Seriously, Bob?! Seriously?! I really didn’t need that. That’s why I turned into a massive twat, but then I apologized. And I really don’t do that often. I even got to that utterly stupid point where I told you ‘tell me what you need to know and I’ll say it’. Like anyone would like to hear that. I’m intrigued and human relationships can get quite confusing.

Not the end..

The world’s always on the move. Everywhere around the globe, people leave. They get promoted, get jobs, go to schools, their families drag them away and so on.. And they leave others who love them behind. I wish you understood that. I wish I could talk to you about how I see this whole thing and maybe you wouldn’t be so depressed then, but you refuse to let me in, and I am sick of trying.

I know I’m not the one who’s being left behind, and to be honest the line between pointing out the facts and being a twat is very fine in this situation. I don’t know if I have any right at all to talk about this so naturally. I don’t know how you feel. It just drives me crazy to see how you constantly drive this subject to the point that I feel so bloody guilty and I am literally left speechless. Yesterday you said ‘I guess that moment when we’ll be together all the time will never come, aye?‘ .. It hit me out of nowhere. Just like that. And I couldn’t utter a word cause of that guilt that suffocated me. That was all I could feel..

You take it as I am being the one who’s leaving YOU when it’s actually me going away cause I have to. Staying was never an option. I see you the way I thought I never will, cause all you taught me.. All these things that I learned from YOU and make me feel better now.. Gee, it’s like you’ve forgot everything. And the worst thing is that I can’t say anything. I can’t talk you out of it. I can’t say ‘You’re being utterly irrational and over-depressed, get better, think it through, find a solution and stop being miserable.’ cause that would make me a twat. Like, I’m the cause of it and I’m telling you to move on..?

This is the last thing I wanted to happen – you thinking I have no consideration for our relationship. Cause I fucking do, I love you. And the reason I’m not crying and counting the months till it’s gonna happen is because I don’t see it like you do. I see a future. You see the ending. I refuse to let anything get between us as long as I still have feelings for you, and I want you to come with me eventually. I wanna spend all my holidays with you and be there, with you.

If only I could tell you these things without looking into your eyes feeling like the biggest knob ever. Now everytime we see each other and I’m about to leave I’m expecting you to say something related to that, that will just add up to my already huge guilt. Our communication is practically zero when it comes to this subject and if anything, I know I’m not the one to blame for that. At least for that..