Impressions

I have tons of notebooks. White paper, blue paper, orange paper, old paper. Small notebooks, thin, big, coloured, striped, blank. All kinds of covers.. All kinds of notebooks from all kinds of people. Most of them were gifts (including two beautiful diaries), some of them I just bought cause I liked the designs..

Thing is, I never used them, never wrote a thing. I’m always trying to find uses for all of them but I can’t, I have nothing to say or write down. Whenever I feel inspired, I just spill everything in a Notepad page on my computer and that’s all. I could never write, I can barely express my feelings towards people. Of course, that’s not weird, what’s funny though is that I seem to think I’m very transparent. If you asked me, I let everyone know what my exact feelings are and what I think. I honestly don’t know how I could open up more than I do, but still everyone keeps telling me I’m distant and unpredictable.

That never bothered me until today, when one of the three people I tell everything to said that. THEN it really pissed me off.

I wish I knew what part of anything I say or do makes people think that about me. It’s true I’m not a hugger, or the best arse-kisser in the world. I can’t fake smiles or act like I care when I really don’t, but I’m very sympathetic to people around me and try not to be hurt them even when my brain’s boiling. I guess that’s not enough though. I need to do more in order to avoid being thought of as ‘VERY pent-up when it comes to feelings.’

Seriously, Bob?! Seriously?! I really didn’t need that. That’s why I turned into a massive twat, but then I apologized. And I really don’t do that often. I even got to that utterly stupid point where I told you ‘tell me what you need to know and I’ll say it’. Like anyone would like to hear that. I’m intrigued and human relationships can get quite confusing.

Lies

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Lies. I don’t wanna write 2 pages of philosophy about telling the truth or lying or when it’s better to lie. I don’t disapprove that strongly of lying. I’m okay with lying sometimes, and you know why? Cause I know how people work. I myself have been a human for some years now, and I can honestly say the thing  I hate most about us is hypocrisy.

I hate it how everyone has principles and moral values when it comes to others but they don’t give a shit about those when their arse is in trouble.

I’ve been lied to big time for over a year. Yeah I know, that makes me sound a bit like an idiot, or to put it nicer, naive. In my defense though, I will say – that person had massive issues. With his brain, I mean. He believed everything he said himself, so you can see how severe it was. No one could’ve told it was a lie – and no one ever thought it could be. Although having been through this would usually make people hate lies, I’m okay with it.

I was going through McDrive with someone the other day and the guy working there asked us ‘Have you tried the latest …?’ We were in a hurry, so we said ‘Yeah yeah we did, thanks.’ Do you think this classifies as a lie? It barely hurt anyone, right? I know there was always the other option, saying ‘No we haven’t but we don’t care and we gotta get going so please shut up and take our order already, will you?’, but my guess is that he would’ve taken it badly. Therefore, we lied. A lot of people actually force us to tell lies cause they just refuse to hear and understand our truth. And we always do what’s best for us. One way or another, we do what suits US most.

Long story short, I agree with lying when you know that person wouldn’t understand you, and lying about YOURSELF only. I don’t agree with lying when it’s without reason, and by that I mean inventing stuff about you or others (lying about others is just horrible). I think not telling the truth when it’s convenient is part of the human nature, so why try to deny something that’s part of who we are as species? It’s been proven that kids from the earliest ages tell lies and hide stuff cause it’s in their instinct.

Therefore, if you agree with the self-preservation aspect, you HAVE to agree with lying and stop being a hypocrite.