Tag Archives: pathetic

Heavy

I haven’t felt like I did today in months. It’s been a horrible day and I remembered all sorta things that got me in the condition I am now. I’ve been somewhere, then got home, then went somewhere else, then got home, then went somewhere ELSE. DAMN, it is exhausting. Tomorrow I’m going away again and I had to pack and everything and everyone around me has done nothing but bring me down all day long.

I had to put up with dad’s stupid comments, mum’s yelling as always. She even yells when she’s helping me, sheesh. At some point I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, my head was about to explode and I went to take a shower but that didn’t go well either cause I couldn’t breathe for a few seconds and I well panicked and had to bite my knee to recover. I know it sounds weird, but it was an instinct which turned out to be the best solution at the time. Then all of a sudden I felt I missed S a lot, not like in being with him or loving him, just.. I missed him as a friend. He is the best listener I’ve seen. really.

I wished I could just ring him up and tell him how I felt about going away this autumn and about mum and dad and that I’m just tired.. I wished I could tell him that and he’d just shut up for minutes the way he always did then say something clever that made me feel better. Boy, did he know how to make me feel better. He bloody knows me better than I do. For the first time in four years, I missed him as a friend. I wanted him to tell me something, hear his voice and know he’s there. Just hear something ridiculous, like ‘how does that make you feel?’ or ‘it has to do with your childhood’ would’ve been enough. ANYTHING would’ve been enough.

I still feel I wanna talk to him but I know it’s pointless and he won’t give me that side of him anyway. He would be rude and mean cause .. well.. I know him quite well myself. His birthday is coming though and I WILL ring him up then. Just wish him happy birthday and the stupid cliches.. I’ll just hide the fact that he means more to me than most of the people I’ve ever met. Anyway. Don’t wanna make this sound pathetic. I’m tired and I just wanted to write this down I could tell no one about it and I feel bad about myself for so many reasons. I’ve let myself down, that’s … about … it.

And for me, that’s very, but VERY hard to live with.


Opinion on modesty

Ah, show-offs.. gotta love them! Just talked to someone who named 19 books as their ‘favourites’. I mean, don’t get me wrong, reading is great, and books (some) are wonderful, but 19?! I mean honestly, NINETEEN FAVOURITE BOOKS? Of course it may be this or it may be that the person has yet to figure out what the word favourite refers to. No mate, it’s not every single book you found delightful or could read thoroughly, nor is it all the books you’ve ever laid hands on. It’s the *few* ones that changed your existence, had a major impact on the way you saw things, or made you have revelations or nightmares or think about something for days.

Now, if the number of books that changed your life is nineteen.. Well then, oh my, what can I say? You must be a fair confused chap and I’m sorry for you. And don’t get me wrong, I know how hard it is to decide on just a few things like favourite songs from your favourite artist or favourite movies when you’ve seen thousands, but even so, in my opinion the list should not be longer than.. I don’t know, say 6? 6 books? I repeat, don’t think about stuff you just liked.

Up to a point, you can say it’s hard to choose cause they may be totally different, like fantasy, biographies, whatever you like to read, but when someone asks you what are the best ones and you name so many for me is just another way of saying ‘I read a lot’. Actually, implying you read a lot, which is way worse. I have no problem with people just admitting stuff, like .. ‘I know way more quotes than a normal person does’ or ‘I believe I know a lot about a certain field’ or ‘I play the violin very well’, just pointing out your qualities, you know? I like that, people who are aware of what they’re capable of and being confident enough to say it and stand up for it. Modesty is shit, what is it anyway? Just some other form of being humble and coward and ignorant.

Many people, even if deep down they know they’re good at something will probably say they’re average or ‘not that good’ when they’re asked by someone else. Think about how many people would answer ‘Yes’ without hesitation to the question ‘Do you think you’re smart?’ .. Very few, I tell you. And why?! Cause it’s easier than living with the responsibility of having made their skills acknowledged, than having to prove it and stand up for their affirmation. Which is pathetic, by the way.

That’s the reason most people would just rather imply stuff – make it public but at the same time making sure that if at some point they don’t feel good enough, they can always say ‘hey, I never said that about myself.’ It’s, again, so human-ish and shallow it pisses me off. So yeah, this is what annoyed me today – showing off by using cheap tricks like implying stuff to make people admire you/like you/think more of you. Way to go, humble creatures!