(a)Void in the middle

I read and read posts from the last two-three years and despite all the confusion, nostalgia, forgetfulness, amusement and emotional distress I’ve felt while doing so, I can only think of ONE thing and one thing only. And that is: what happened in between? Where exactly is the gap between me being a 17 year old child, knowing lots of people, feeling lots of things, and having many dreams and me now? Where is it, how did it happen and why wasn’t I there to stop it? In this case I don’t know whether the I I’m referring to would be the younger or older version but I sure know that reading this, I didn’t really identify with it anymore. However, reading this I don’t know who I am now either.

I thought I got it. I thought I was this adult, soon to be graduate, looking for a basic job and uptown rents to save some money, go traveling and then start life. I seem to have forgotten that before all this, I already felt like I had a life. I already did. Writing a blog post I felt more than I have since this year started, and I know this because it’s still painful to read. Now, after four years. And even now, the things I always feel strongest about are the ones from the past – those ones – the same ones. The same bloody things. Who am I now then?

Feeling very old is surely not something that happens to many 21 year-olds. I’m not sure whether change is something that happens a lot and I just can’t cope with it, or whether I actually had more change than an average person. What’s an average person anyway? I lived quite a few changes. I’ve had 8 pets. I’ve moved schools 4 times. I’ve moved home 10 times. I should know how to do this by now, damn it I’m old enough. However, I think I’m very, very scared. Truth is, I don’t know where I should go from now. I’ve never been on a smooth path and there are no clues out there of what I should do. Only thing I can find is some job sites and advertisements washing all of our brains in a big fucking career washing machine. I don’t know. I miss home, and I miss many people that have just disappeared in the void between childhood and me writing this, along with many important things. Maybe all of the important things actually.

Maybe tomorrow I wake up like no revelation happened – my 8.30 shift will wash it all away and a concert followed by some pints will bring everything back to normal. We’re adults. It’s cool, that’s what we do. We don’t think too much, and under no circumstance do we go back to old memories. What’s the point anyway? Maybe instead of writing this, I should’ve written my dissertation. Maybe that will bring me one step closer to adulthood and one further from the truth.

And truth is, something feels wrong.

*I first heard this song when I was 10, and our music teacher wrote all lyrics on the blackboard and explained to us what it was about. One of the first revelations*

Sometimes I wonder

How much worse things can get. I made my two best friends break up today, cause of something I said.. She told me something about him that she was not supposed to say but I didn’t know it was meant to be a secret. So I just figured I should leave him a nice message and a nice video and try to cheer him up cause of what had happened.. But he got angry cause I knew, and he took it all out on her, and now they broke up.

Honestly, can I be more useless than this? Not only do I make myself constantly go through hell, but now I managed to somehow destroy other people’s relationship cause I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Well, it’s not like I did it on purpose but still, I’m the one to blame..

And now of course, as I was feeling like shit trying to explain stuff to both sides, I remembered of all the other things that made my life a living hell these past weeks. Or should I say PEOPLE? I guess that’s the way it goes in the end. Some people hurt other people then those other people go and mess things up for other people and so on. Humanity, thank you for all you’ve given me. Now I can really say ‘fuck my life’ without any trace of irony. Fuck it.

This is bad

As I said, I’m sorry this blog turned into a venting place, I had had something else in mind for it, but I’m just too emotionally broken. Yesterday something happened.. I remember there was this group on Facebook saying ‘I wish music played during epic moments of my life, not just in movies’, well yeah, that’s exactly what happened to me yesterday but in a bad way. I somehow managed to find his pictures. His pictures.. and I looked at them as the song I posted above was playing on the background. I had no intention to do that, and it only hurt more listening to the line  ‘How can you say that your truth is better than ours?’ whilst seeing, well, him .

It was just.. .too much, to say the least. Too much, too much. By the way, this is the guy I fell madly in love with, apparently.

Radiography of love

Two years tomorrow. Two years since I first talked to you, and half a year since I’ve missed you like crazy every day of my life. I read some of our conversations, I would read them all but they’re thousands.. This is how it all started. This is to remind me why I loved you so much.

19th of August, 2009.

Alecs: you have to enjoy it and have fun, cause it`s really beautiful there

Jasper: yeah il have fun

Jasper: but i just wish i could talk to you dude!

Alecs: why?! i mean you`ll have fun, that`s what matters:P

Alecs: be happy about it

Jasper: hahah nah you dont understand :P

Alecs: make me

Jasper: i can’t

Alecs: haha why?

Jasper: coz i dont like it when i dont talk to you!

Alecs: uhm, neither do i!

Alecs: but you`ll feel okay and you`ll forget

Alecs: i mean you won`t forget me

Alecs: just forget you were feeling sad

Alecs: which is a good thing, cause we don`t want you sad, don`t we?! :P silly

Jasper: you’ll forget too then! :P

Alecs: no i won`t, cause i won`t be there having fun

Alecs: i`ll be looking at your fucking OFFLINE NAME on MSN

Jasper: you’ll be in greece! :P

Alecs: i won`t have fun in greece dude, i`m going with them!

Alecs: like it will be nice, relaxing but not.. FUN

*

21st of August, 2009

Alecs: what did you want to tell me?

Jasper: um, no

Alecs: tell me!

Jasper: i cant!

Alecs: you said you can tell me anything!

Jasper: i know :P

Alecs: and we won`t be talking in ages

Alecs: and i want to know what`s going on with you

Jasper: ah dude im so stupid

Alecs: STOP SAYING YOU ARE

Jasper: like this summer i got really close to you, and i know i shouldnt have because … i   duno i always love things that i ‘cant have’ you know? and it sucks and i just know that stuffs guna get so hard when i  go back to school because it always does

Jasper: you just mean so much to me dude, like way too much if you ask me, and thats just talking like this, i havent even met you and i care that much for you and i dont understand and in a way i wish i didnt

Alecs: ….

Alecs: uhm, like, thanks for saying this, you made it easier for me too, haha

Jasper: haha im ridiculous

Jasper: dont tell me im not

Alecs: do you remember when i told you that if i`ll ever get too close to you, i`ll have to delete you for ever? haha

Alecs: uhm of course i was kidding then, but it kind of happened, and i know it`s stupid, i  don`t even want to admit it, cause it`s absurd

Alecs: and like i always make it harder for me you know?

Alecs: i somehow manage to complicate things everytime and i make myself suffer

Alecs: and this is really stupid, honestly

Alecs: i wish it wasn`t like that either

Alecs: and telling you this, feels even more stupid

Alecs: but i don`t want to go, and i don`t want you to go

Jasper: me either

Jasper: but it is stupid, i hate it, i just wish we lived close and could be like normal friends

Looking back and reading these now I realize how much has changed, how much it’s been. I don’t recognize myself in those lines, but I surely recognize him. That’s exactly how I remembered him. So weird to think it was only two years ago, I was just a kid. I wish I could have that summer back, if only for a few days.. that would be.. ‘fun-toss-teak’.

Don’t panic

I don’t know what’s up with this blog that I’ve somehow managed to turn it into a proper diary, and I never meant that. I kinda used to hate them, the term sounded so girlish and.. gay, and useless. Diary.. what the hell do you need a diary for.. if you want memories, look at yourself, look at the pictures and listen to the music, you don’t need a bloody diary, that’s what I used to say. I promise myself I’ll make some nice posts in the future, stead of this stupid ranting.

 

Nevertheless, I wanna spill out here everything I couldn’t say to someone quite important, so this is it. Letter for him.

 

I don’t even know what to say first, there’s only so many things I wish I had told you that night but I couldn’t find my words. I know why you got so pissed and showed up the way you did but the talk we had was utter rubbish. If we were to have a final argument, that was definitely not what I had in mind. First of all, I didn’t want it to end cause of anyone, especially cause of  J. I would never let that interfere with our relationship cause that boy did me enough harm as it was anyway. The things you said were really absurd, as a matter a fact. The only reason why I chose to break up was you, and me. The things between us, that’s all.

Secondly, I know it was my fault for keeping you in the dark about what I was going through but the only reason I chose not to tell you was because you really hated him and I wanted to avoid hours of arguments. Plus, you were my boyfriend, I couldn’t really say that, it would’ve been awful. As I said before, I sometimes agree with lying, I admit. I lied to protect you though, not myself, as I was going through hell and could’ve actually used someone to talk to. And you proved me I was right as right after I told you, the rubbish wouldn’t stop coming. I did NOT go to London to meet him. I’ve told you once, told you a thousand times. The fact that you still doubted that after everything I confessed only strengthened my belief that you stopped being the right person for me long time ago. I cannot believe you would actually think I would lie with something that big – something that literally changed my life. And what’s sad is that I gave you no reason to treat me like that. Ever.

Beyond all that’s been said (mostly by you as I stood there in shock and amaze and .. regret), I can’t say I don’t feel sorry for all that was. You were, after all, the person who’s been with me through every big event of my life, and I was the same for you. I mean, we’ve practically known each other for years. I will never try to deny that or minimize it. It’s important, it lasts, and you will be as well. I love you and I always will, just not in that way. I find it hard to even talk to you now after the awful ‘talk’ we had the other day. You coming there was a very, but VERY bad idea, I was not prepared and you were bloody hammered. Worst circumstances to discuss years of relationship.. But it was your decision, and although you were probably not fully aware of it, it was my duty to respect it. The big mistake was that you insisted having the talk about J, and what I felt for him and everything, and I had to tell you, I had nothing to lose anyway, you already hated me.

The only reason I’m writing stuff here is cause you certainly wouldn’t wanna hear it normally, and especially not after what’s happened. So.. yeah, our last talk was a disaster, and if I could change that I really would. The way you left was awful and the way you acted like a twat (which was certainly not the you I know) put me off completely. This being said, I hope you’re happy from now on and I’m not being ironic. I care for you a great deal. That’s about it.

Old stuff

“Running in circles,

Chasing our tails,

Coming back as we are.’

For some unknown reason I remembered about a post, and a comment two years ago. This is the post.. I decided I should import three significant articles from August, 2009 from my old-currently-hidden blog as that was the time when everything started changing, so there it is, in the archive on the right.

PS: I know we are supposed to go forward, not backwards.. But something keeps dragging me behind and I’m not that strong.

Ideas upon life

These two years that have passed (since the summer of 2009) I have encountered the highest highs and the lowest lows of all the eighteen years I have lived, and I believe it’s fairly righteous to say I’ve learnt quite a few things. To be honest, I think it’s an amazing feeling to be able to look back upon a certain time of your life and realize that you have discovered something, that you are a bit wiser and know a tiny bit more about the complexity of human beings and relationships. It makes you feel not useless.

Now, I don’t know if what I learnt is universally true, I don’t even know if it is mildly true, but this is how it worked for me, and I have a feeling my life’s not different than everyone else’s.. So here it goes:

1. People are not the same, and sure as hell people are not equal. 

2. If you want summin to be done right you’ve got to do it yourself.

3. The feeling that you cannot be hurt (morally) is immense.

4. Appearances are extremely deceitful.

5. Money is way easier to spend when it belongs to someone else.

6. Words mean fuck all and are just a way to distract people from the truth.

7. When you are sick, your whole universe crumbles down.

8. The best and most intense love is the one which ends too soon.

9. No one can be trusted.

10. We never learn, we never change. 

Alright, this is it. I must say I have gone through some serious damage to figure these things out on my own and I am well proud of myself. Two years, my bloody decalogue (not meant to be 10, it must be some kinda magic). As I said, I don’t know if they apply to anyone else, but that’s what my experiences made me believe so far.. If anyone has any objections, I would love to hear them.

Conflicts

Conflicts.. don’t we just love them? If we could watch any day of our lives the way we watch movies (another thing we seem to worship as well), I think we’d actually end up feeling pity for the human race whose reputation we constantly ruin with all the useless stuff we do.

Think about all the stupid reasons that make us pollute the universe with bad thoughts and energy. It is hilarious. Throughout my life, I’ve noticed a fair amount people didn’t seem to like me, and that is fine by me. Plus, I find it absolutely pointless to respond to a conflict.  Really, why would you do that? .. To prove you’re better? Well guess what, if you insult back and reply to all the nonsense there’s no way on earth you’ll ever be better. Not to you, not to anyone else.

Besides, the ones who start conflicts, obviously think that you’re wrong/stupid/arrogant/whatever and want you to replace your point of view with theirs. Keep it between me and you, this form of inducing an idea actually means the person badly needs acceptance and acknowledge from others because they don’t trust themselves enough. Needless to say it’s the stupidest way to try to dominate, but oh well, long live ignorance.

Have you noticed there are some people who just seem to NEED to argue? I know quite a few. They always seem to have something against .. everything. And this is why they do it – cause they seek approval. The more you try to impose an idea, the more unsure you are it is true. Think about it – there are times when you are 100% positive about something and if anyone wants to say the opposite you really refuse to engage in the conversation, like ‘I won’t even bother explaining this to you.’ Now, THAT is the right attitude. Besides if you think it through, why do you need them to think the same as you?

I would hate it if everyone thought like me. So what if they’re wrong? Fuck em, what do you care?

I tried dealing with people’s anger in every way I could. Sometimes it takes unearthly efforts to put up with it, but it’s worth it. I’ve found the best way to dominate an argument (cause that’s what we seem to want eventually) and prove we are better is to ignore it. Just pretend it didn’t happen. Smile. DO NOT say a word! Trust me, this is like the best recipe ever to shut people’s mouth. Action through non-action, that’s one of the most useful Taoist teachings. The Chinese got it right.

It will drive them crazy, but that’s not what we want (or at least, that’s not what we SHOULD want) – what really matters is that it will make them face their selves. They’ll be forced to look inside and do some introspection, even involuntarily. Then something will tell them they’re wrong, and they’ll try to make that uncomfortable feeling go by yelling/insulting/sending more texts/calling more, etc. Anything it takes for you to respond and feed their frustrations. But DON’T DO IT.

Sometimes I feel bad for the people I love when I see them get mad and I just choose not to react, cause they often think I don’t care enough or don’t love them or I’m ignorant or whatever. I don’t mind that. The key is to feel relief when they get that bad energy poisoning their brain out, and don’t fight it. You’ll only make things worse, so let them say what they want and listen to them, cause that’s their raw self speaking. Take advantage of it and try to help them later, or if you don’t wanna do that, take advantage of it and remember their weaknesses. Anyhow, feel their relief and look at it as a good thing instead of being offended or feeling disappointed.

We should never feel ‘disappointed’ in others, that’s another stupid concept people invented to make others do what they want them to do, some sort of subtle blackmail. For example – I am disappointed you didn’t remember I had an exam today. Why should they anyway? We are in-di-vi-du-als, which means our actions and thoughts are unique and we sort them and use them the way we want to. We are not related to each other, although sometimes it bloody looks like it.

My point is.. feel good, accept others being angry, understand that as a natural reaction, and listen to whatever they’re saying. At least you know for sure they’re being honest in those moments.

Daily mess

I have had quite enough of girls these days.. I myself am a girl and I swear I don’t understand how they can be like that. I’m talking about all those idiots that feel that the more make-up they wear the prettier they get. The fewer the clothes, the more attractive they think they are. Of course it’s always easier to show your arse than to actually use your brain to look hot, but really why doesn’t ANYONE give a damn about the brains nowadays?

I’ve had enough of these retards who feel above everyone just cause they have spent an hour of their useless lives in front of the mirror to look like a fucking clown. Cause that’s what they look like. I swear if I were a guy I couldn’t even think about liking a girl like that, I mean what’s wrong with you people, you can’t even guess their natural hair colour or face. In my opinion, women should look natural, just like men do, just like everything should be for that matter. Natural.

We got so used to faking everything, from faking we give a damn, we fake relationships, work, smiles, jewelleries, wood, we fake popular stuff like iPhones and computers and famous clothing brands, and now we even fake our fucking looks.  This is so wrong, and the fact that no one cares it’s wrong is just too much.

Oh, speaking of alarming stuff we don’t give a fuck about. Global warming, recycling, animals and plants soon to be gone forever cause no one can’t be bothered, the fact that a quarter of the globe’s population is addicted to cigarette smoking or drugs or alcohol (REALLY, PEOPLE?), technology gone mad, black holes, parallel universes, running out of water, running out of oil, running out of .. NATURE.

We’re fucking running out of nature and no one gives a damn. We instead make movies about it. Lots and lots of films that people pay to go see and then feel illuminated and talk about it for about 10 minutes until they get busy struggling to eat that extra-large McDonald’s meal.

I don’t know why I bother thinking about all these things really. I’m a girl, I could find better things to do. I could just go put 2.3 tones of make-up on my face, dye my hair in 4 colours, put on a belt, make people believe it’s a skirt and get lots of guys and pictures and live a happy life.

Sometimes I wish I could do that, cause as someone 300 years ago said : ‘Ignorance is bliss.’ It really is.

I remember having this conversation with someone and he asked me ‘Would you really wanna be like them though?’ .. Uhm, let’s put it this way. If I were like them, without knowing I’m.. like them, yes. If I were to choose between being born like them (an idiot) or like I am now, I’d choose the first one. It’s way easier, and no one gives a damn anyway, right? So why not?

Might as well stop the wounds in my brain that I have now for seeing all this rubbish we somehow grow complacent with.

Lies

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Lies. I don’t wanna write 2 pages of philosophy about telling the truth or lying or when it’s better to lie. I don’t disapprove that strongly of lying. I’m okay with lying sometimes, and you know why? Cause I know how people work. I myself have been a human for some years now, and I can honestly say the thing  I hate most about us is hypocrisy.

I hate it how everyone has principles and moral values when it comes to others but they don’t give a shit about those when their arse is in trouble.

I’ve been lied to big time for over a year. Yeah I know, that makes me sound a bit like an idiot, or to put it nicer, naive. In my defense though, I will say – that person had massive issues. With his brain, I mean. He believed everything he said himself, so you can see how severe it was. No one could’ve told it was a lie – and no one ever thought it could be. Although having been through this would usually make people hate lies, I’m okay with it.

I was going through McDrive with someone the other day and the guy working there asked us ‘Have you tried the latest …?’ We were in a hurry, so we said ‘Yeah yeah we did, thanks.’ Do you think this classifies as a lie? It barely hurt anyone, right? I know there was always the other option, saying ‘No we haven’t but we don’t care and we gotta get going so please shut up and take our order already, will you?’, but my guess is that he would’ve taken it badly. Therefore, we lied. A lot of people actually force us to tell lies cause they just refuse to hear and understand our truth. And we always do what’s best for us. One way or another, we do what suits US most.

Long story short, I agree with lying when you know that person wouldn’t understand you, and lying about YOURSELF only. I don’t agree with lying when it’s without reason, and by that I mean inventing stuff about you or others (lying about others is just horrible). I think not telling the truth when it’s convenient is part of the human nature, so why try to deny something that’s part of who we are as species? It’s been proven that kids from the earliest ages tell lies and hide stuff cause it’s in their instinct.

Therefore, if you agree with the self-preservation aspect, you HAVE to agree with lying and stop being a hypocrite.