I haven’t felt like I did today in months. It’s been a horrible day and I remembered all sorta things that got me in the condition I am now. I’ve been somewhere, then got home, then went somewhere else, then got home, then went somewhere ELSE. DAMN, it is exhausting. Tomorrow I’m going away again and I had to pack and everything and everyone around me has done nothing but bring me down all day long.

I had to put up with dad’s stupid comments, mum’s yelling as always. She even yells when she’s helping me, sheesh. At some point I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, my head was about to explode and I went to take a shower but that didn’t go well either cause I couldn’t breathe for a few seconds and I well panicked and had to bite my knee to recover. I know it sounds weird, but it was an instinct which turned out to be the best solution at the time. Then all of a sudden I felt I missed S a lot, not like in being with him or loving him, just.. I missed him as a friend. He is the best listener I’ve seen. really.

I wished I could just ring him up and tell him how I felt about going away this autumn and about mum and dad and that I’m just tired.. I wished I could tell him that and he’d just shut up for minutes the way he always did then say something clever that made me feel better. Boy, did he know how to make me feel better. He bloody knows me better than I do. For the first time in four years, I missed him as a friend. I wanted him to tell me something, hear his voice and know he’s there. Just hear something ridiculous, like ‘how does that make you feel?’ or ‘it has to do with your childhood’ would’ve been enough. ANYTHING would’ve been enough.

I still feel I wanna talk to him but I know it’s pointless and he won’t give me that side of him anyway. He would be rude and mean cause .. well.. I know him quite well myself. His birthday is coming though and I WILL ring him up then. Just wish him happy birthday and the stupid cliches.. I’ll just hide the fact that he means more to me than most of the people I’ve ever met. Anyway. Don’t wanna make this sound pathetic. I’m tired and I just wanted to write this down I could tell no one about it and I feel bad about myself for so many reasons. I’ve let myself down, that’s … about … it.

And for me, that’s very, but VERY hard to live with.

3 responses to “Heavy

  • Bobita

    DON’T give him those stupid cliches, DON’T hide from him his meaning to you (don’t be too romantic either), and NO you’re not pathetic. Just tell him what you feel.
    You’re just down. Yes, it hurts like hell, but get up. Be honest with you and with him. If he’s like you said, he’ll understand. If not, you’re missing something. People changes.
    There’s a small issue with the friendship you’d like. Maybe he wants or he wanted more. Or less.

    I hope I didn’t bothered you. Wish you luck !

    P.S. If he’ll be rude and mean, forgive him. He may have a reason, or he may be just angry. That’s between you two. However it doesn’t cost you anything to play “deaf”. In fact, it could be helpful.

    • Alexandra

      Hey, you surely didn’t bother me :) I reckon this may be the best advice of all ‘Yes, it hurts, but get up.’ I love it. I did that.. I haven’t talked to him, it’s pointless as I said cause nothing is or will ever be the same again and I’m pretty much at peace with this thought. Problem is, it is way harder to forget the friend someone was than it is to forget that you loved them.

      Love is there and then it isn’t. Friendship .. well, that’s something different :) It’s just awkward when you look around and the person you’d always turn to is not there anymore. But that’s just something we all have to get used to when walking out of relationships I guess.

      Thank you very much for stopping by! Take care.

  • AlexandraElena

    I read this and..maybe I’m silly but I cried because it reminds me about the nights when I’m just sitting ,looking in the dark, thinking if he feels what I feel,if he feels with the same intensity. I like very much how you express your feelings even it hurts very much. It hurts for me and I’m just reading this…And I know that feeling,when all you want is to be his friend,to feel that he cares about you and it’s enough. Good luck on the future! Keep your head up and keep your heart strong!

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