I just remembered you’re leaving tomorrow and I know it’s just a few days, but that also made me remember this line I heard in a film ages ago, a girl saying ‘I’m sick of people leaving.’ I remember I too said this to someone ages ago and they actually believed me which I found rather amusing cause it wasn’t true and they knew me better. I’m not sick of anyone leaving cause I haven’t really experienced loads of people leaving. That was usually my thing to do, and I’m afraid it still is. To be fair it does get quite exhausting, I think there might be some sort of threshold to changes and when you’ve had too many you just wanna freeze yourself and everything and stop. I think that’s what I have now, but I wish I could freeze last year, which is even more utopic.
Honestly. I opened my window and it started raining. This is the view I have and it never gets more interesting than this.
“Oh just remember the telephones, well they’re working in both ways but if I never ever hear them ring, If nothing else I’ll think the bells inside Have finally found you someone else and that’s okay, Cause I’ll remember everything you sang.”
I know that like an unspoken rule, we’re not supposed to talk every so often, not supposed to say a lot of things about our lives now or bring back a lot of memories. Basically not supposed to do or say anything we want to, cause we both know how that would backfire.
I should be happy with 5 lines from time to time, and you shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t think of you, and you shouldn’t be sad cause it’s just 5 lines from time to time. But we both know this connection of ours goes beyond the time we spent apart , the distance that separates us now and all those words that should’ve never been said. And yes, the telephone stopped ringing a long time ago (like in that song you sent me), and yes, we might as well be strangers. But thing is we’re not, and I still think of you at least 3 times a day, every day.
I like talking to you cause you are my past, and my past is who I am.
I like you cause you understand everything I tell you and everything I don’t, and all the rubbish I talk. And you know where that comes from, cause you know me like I know the taste of cold milk in the evenings and you were beside me to see it all go down and rise again, and again, every fucking time.
There are evenings when I just stare at your offline name like a psychic, hoping that clenching my fists and listening to an acoustic song would make that name pop-up in the corner of my screen and make you say hello, like it happens in the movies, or cartoons, or any other fake and shallow media production. But you were never fake and shallow and you never go online when I’m dying to tell you something about my course, or meditation, or just see your semi-dark room and hear the dog barking. And that’s how it happens, I wait, then I feel sorry, then I wish I were there with you tonight. Then I just go to sleep cause it’s useless, and I wish you bloody knew that the last image I see before failing to stop the eyelids from falling at night is you.
That being said, I’m going to bed. I’m okay, you know. You kinda taught me how to be ok, apart from making the best omlette in the world. So I have OK and I have Omlette. I will survive. I just..
I haven’t felt like I did today in months. It’s been a horrible day and I remembered all sorta things that got me in the condition I am now. I’ve been somewhere, then got home, then went somewhere else, then got home, then went somewhere ELSE. DAMN, it is exhausting. Tomorrow I’m going away again and I had to pack and everything and everyone around me has done nothing but bring me down all day long.
I had to put up with dad’s stupid comments, mum’s yelling as always. She even yells when she’s helping me, sheesh. At some point I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, my head was about to explode and I went to take a shower but that didn’t go well either cause I couldn’t breathe for a few seconds and I well panicked and had to bite my knee to recover. I know it sounds weird, but it was an instinct which turned out to be the best solution at the time. Then all of a sudden I felt I missed S a lot, not like in being with him or loving him, just.. I missed him as a friend. He is the best listener I’ve seen. really.
I wished I could just ring him up and tell him how I felt about going away this autumn and about mum and dad and that I’m just tired.. I wished I could tell him that and he’d just shut up for minutes the way he always did then say something clever that made me feel better. Boy, did he know how to make me feel better. He bloody knows me better than I do. For the first time in four years, I missed him as a friend. I wanted him to tell me something, hear his voice and know he’s there. Just hear something ridiculous, like ‘how does that make you feel?’ or ‘it has to do with your childhood’ would’ve been enough. ANYTHING would’ve been enough.
I still feel I wanna talk to him but I know it’s pointless and he won’t give me that side of him anyway. He would be rude and mean cause .. well.. I know him quite well myself. His birthday is coming though and I WILL ring him up then. Just wish him happy birthday and the stupid cliches.. I’ll just hide the fact that he means more to me than most of the people I’ve ever met. Anyway. Don’t wanna make this sound pathetic. I’m tired and I just wanted to write this down I could tell no one about it and I feel bad about myself for so many reasons. I’ve let myself down, that’s … about … it.
And for me, that’s very, but VERY hard to live with.
There’s only so many questions that I keep asking myself all the time, and I never seem to find answers .. One of the most important ones is.. You know when someone appreciates you, or likes you, or hell, LOVES you, and they tell you that, I’m always like ‘Why? Why me? Why am I so special?’ .. Cause I’ve talked to a lot of great people, and I was so surprised to see many of them were way better than me on so many levels.
What I mean is, anything I can do, someone else can do it better. And yeah, I know that’s normal but thing is I’ve seen these people.. met them and I don’t understand why I am loved and some of them aren’t. It seems unfair. I have a very good friend who is way more involved in relationships than I am and she cares a lot more about people than I do and somehow she’s completely alone, and she’s been wanting to find someone for more than three years. I honestly don’t understand how this is possible, and sometimes I feel guilty for being so happy and having more than a few amazing persons in my life.
There are songs and books and movies that are so inspirational that you would think it takes a lot for someone to fully understand them but apparently a lot of people love them anyway, people you wouldn’t even expect to pay attention to them, and that makes me wonder.. Am I really not that smart, or are they as smart as I am? Cause I used to think of myself as an above-average person, without modesty, and seeing how a lot of people actually have the same likes and interests as I do leads me to believe I’m really not that special at all. So yeah, why me.. how is it that I find great people and bond easily with them and never lack friends? It’s weird.
I am at least grateful and happy at the same time that everyone I’ve loved loved me back so far, and I’ve never been rejected by someone cause they weren’t into me, which is a good thing ( I guess? ). I’m happy that they somehow didn’t choose anyone else although they could’ve.. That gives me quite a lot of confidence to be honest, and renders the feeling that I DO have something interesting, but I swear I can never put the finger on it…
Oh, and to the person I’m with now.. I do wish everything this song below says. I know some of these things have already happened, but I wish all of them had. I really do. And thank you for all the ways in which you’ve helped me, although you are unaware of them at the moment..
How hard is it actually, for the psychologist to become the patient? How long, and how hard, and how much does it take? What if one falls in love with their patient, suppose that patient is all they could ever wish for, suppose it’s a great patient. Maybe he isn’t even sick, say he’s there for other reasons. What if he never gets well though? What if he disappears and she cannot accept that she couldn’t cure him, that she wasn’t all he needed. That she needed him but he needed something else.
What if, at that point when the patient goes away, she herself becomes him. What if she loses her bloody mind.
I get the feeling more and more that this is how I will be for the rest of my life. This is how I’ve always been.. I see no reason why things would be different in the future. The official definition for Kamikaze is someone who is willing to lose their life to commit a terrorist attack in the name of a strong belief, such as religion. I have a definition of my own though.. and that is, someone who is willing to risk their safety or sanity to get involved in something inappropriate, useless, dangerous or prone to produce great emotional pain, for ABSOLUTELY no decent reason.
That’s how I am. Ever since I’ve known myself, I’ve always got into the stupidest and complicated situations and always had to squeeze my brains out to find a solution, or to get better. It’s like.. tell me something that sounds impossible and it will attract me so much that I will do my best to be part of it. I’ve never planned it to be like that, I just get too emotionally involved or care too much about people.. I can’t just abandon someone I care about. I thought about that so many times, but as time went by it got harder and harder to just walk out of it, leave him. Pretend I’ve never met him, never loved him. He did it though, so now I wish I had had the strength.. Anyway, I guess lots of people do that.
It just HAS to get complicated, doesn’t it? Some people just aren’t happy if things are too okay and easy to deal with. They need complications, adventure, taking risks, and they will find any excuses possible to have that. ‘My relationship at the moment is boring.’ ‘He doesn’t understand me.’ ‘I need a change.’ ‘I’ve always wanted to live there actually!’ ‘It can’t be that bad!’ … These are just regular excuses, not to mention sayings such as ‘If it feels good, it can’t be that bad.‘ or ‘I’d rather regret something I’ve done than something I haven’t.’
All these sayings and ideas have just encouraged me for so many years to do the most foolish things one could, because I’m impulsive and because I don’t realize what the implications are. I always realize when it’s already too late, this is why I believe I’m a ‘kamikaze’. Is someone too far? too fucked-up-in-the-brain? impossible to be with? Cool, then why shouldn’t I madly fall in love with them, spend a couple of years loving them, then another couple of years regretting I ever did? Cool indeed, that’s exactly what I’ll do.
Is someone an outsider? a social-reject? Someone with a major flaw or really not good to be around? Great, I’ll make them my friend and care about them way more than I should, then when it gets hard and I always have to be there for them, I’ll just spend time wondering why I got myself into it.
No problem, really. I enjoy doing this.. Sometimes I wonder how no one noticed how massively messed up I am and tried helping ME. That’s maybe because I’m too busy helping others and the only time I have for myself is late at night when I’m trying to sleep and can’t cause of the nightmares and panic attacks. Whenever I feel like that, I tell myself it’s only my fault, I’m the only one to blame for everything that’s happening to me.. J., S., and all the other friends that I love, friends with problems.. I’m really glad to be loving you guys, I’m glad to be helping you whenever I can.. but.. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do this, for I’m going mad myself. And honestly, I don’t think YOU care enough to listen to MY problems. So.. yeah.. kamikaze much?
Well, I’m fairly pissed off today. Besides the fact that I spent half of the day doing something I didn’t want to, I had the stupidest argument with someone who is very dear to me. What’s the worst though, is that I don’t know where it came from.
There’s times like these I realize how relationships can easily be ruined, friendships can be broken and so on. Nothing really matters or lasts in life, we just feel that it does for a short, insignificant amount of time until something changes then it’s all gone. Words like ‘forever’ and ‘never’ should not exist when it comes to human-ish things, we should not be allowed to use them for we know fuck all about their meanings. We’re just worthless pathetic creatures. We are nothing compared to.. well, anything: time, space, the universe, even OUR bloody planet. We think we’re important but in fact, we aren’t. Everyday stuff keeps us busy, makes us forget what and who we are, and that we aren’t gonna stick around much longer.
There’s times like these, when from a silly argument I come to blame human race, including myself, for being so ridiculously stupid and absurd. I know we should not have the so-called ‘expectations’, that we should not expect people to react the way we want them to because they have a whole other way of thinking, they are unpredictable and most of the times illogical in their actions. I know that every disappointment others bring us is actually our mind being let down cause of something it itself created, and I know there is no one to blame but our selves, or in this case, my self. My self for being so ignorant and arrogant, for thinking drawing plans of the future is like drawing an apple. For not realising there is no tiny reason, not even one, why others should do what I would do.
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You know what sucks big time? When someone says something… when someone says something and you have no idea what to answer. It’s when they say something and it confuses the shit outta you and you’re just sat there with literally nothing to say, hoping they would add something or let it go, but they usually don’t. Hell no, they don’t.And then you have to think of three things. One is what on the world made them say that, try to understand them. Second one is how it makes you feel, and third one is what you should say. Isn’t that hard? I feel it is. I feel it’s bloody hard and there’s only so many people who care about that..
This post is gonna be a bit random kinda reflecting my thoughts. First of all, I have to say I completely reject the ‘optimistic-pessimistic’ comparison. That does not exist, but instead there are people who reason, and people who are not capable of this ‘superior’ cognitive function that our brain seems to posses (yeah, no kidding, studies have shown!)
Secondly, I know I’m not supposed to start all my sentences with ‘I hate’, ‘I can’t stand’ and so on, but really, it’s not me who’s overreacting, it is most people’s fault for being so bloody stupid! Now of course, everyone has got 2 options: they either try to accept everything in order to be relaxed and wise and blissful (I’m planning to get there in 20-30 years), or they keep on hating and being shocked and disgusted by the rubbish surrounding them (which is what I do, considering the fact that I’m still 18, still stupid, still impulsive, still rebellious).
Therefore, considering the fact that I have decided I shall choose the hater’s way and exposed my ever-so-wise reasons, time for some more discriminating, mean posts.
Theorem. Some people can be replaced, some people can’t.
Proof: Supposing someone you love walks out of your life, or moves away, or dies. Anyhow, they disappear, and you don’t want them to. At least at the beginning, if not for the rest of their lives, people will try to bring back their memory or compare others with them, even unconsciously. Sometimes, we can be reminded of a loved one just by seeing a stranger wearing their hair like them, or hearing they like the same sport, or that particular band. I assume everyone has that – that one person they would get back in a blink of an eye. Thing is.. I’m not sure how many people are really irreplaceable. Well of course, I don’t mean it like you could actually get an identical copy of that person, but some people are.. well, they’re bloody average, let’s be honest.
I’m talking about the things they do and say, but mostly, about the things they THINK. For example, I love, eh, quite a few people, but of all of them, there are only two that could hardly be compared to anyone else. The rest of them are great but they’re not, let’s say, amazingly special. You’re not special for liking some good movies, or great songs, or having blue eyes, or cooking for your family, or ringing your wife/boyfriend/whatever everyday, no. None of these things make you special, they just make you unique, and that’s not worth shit cause everyone is unique. Not everyone’s special though, that’s what I’m trying to say.
Special is having abilities that not many people have, that’s what makes you irreplaceable in my opinion. Not many people have a sense of humour (although many think they do, you’re either born with it or not and most aren’t), not many people can play the flute or the violin, not many people can skate like crazy, not many people can write literature, not many people can talk in 3 different languages.. Of course the examples could go on forever, what I’m trying to say is, you can replace someone who’s taking you to the movies every friday and buys you chocolate whenever you meet and likes the same music as you. That’s very simple.
The ones who are really irreplaceable are the ones who have a range of abilities you could spend a lifetime looking for in others. The ones who blow you away and don’t even try to. There are few persons in the world who can do that, in my opinion. I’m not one of them, that’s for sure, and that’s why I’m glad to have met a couple.
Oh, and as an advice .. Try to ponder a bit over the qualities and flaws someone has before you lose precious time of your life feeling sorry they’re gone. Just saying, they may not be that ‘special’.
These two years that have passed (since the summer of 2009) I have encountered the highest highs and the lowest lows of all the eighteen years I have lived, and I believe it’s fairly righteous to say I’ve learnt quite a few things. To be honest, I think it’s an amazing feeling to be able to look back upon a certain time of your life and realize that you have discovered something, that you are a bit wiser and know a tiny bit more about the complexity of human beings and relationships. It makes you feel not useless.
Now, I don’t know if what I learnt is universally true, I don’t even know if it is mildly true, but this is how it worked for me, and I have a feeling my life’s not different than everyone else’s.. So here it goes:
1. People are not the same, and sure as hell people are not equal.
2. If you want summin to be done right you’ve got to do it yourself.
3. The feeling that you cannot be hurt (morally) is immense.
4. Appearances are extremely deceitful.
5. Money is way easier to spend when it belongs to someone else.
6. Words mean fuck all and are just a way to distract people from the truth.
7. When you are sick, your whole universe crumbles down.
8. The best and most intense love is the one which ends too soon.
9. No one can be trusted.
10. We never learn, we never change.
Alright, this is it. I must say I have gone through some serious damage to figure these things out on my own and I am well proud of myself. Two years, my bloody decalogue (not meant to be 10, it must be some kinda magic). As I said, I don’t know if they apply to anyone else, but that’s what my experiences made me believe so far.. If anyone has any objections, I would love to hear them.
I want you to look at these pictures.. and tell me how they make you feel. You can cry if you want to, say, or do anything. I am not here to stop you. But please look at these pictures. What do you see? Do you recognise anything? Anything at all? Who is that person who appears in every single one of them? Who does that violin belong to? Who lives in that room? What do you know about that fountain? Who arranged those socks on the table and what does it read? Can you remember? Who was that person who sent all these pictures?
Look at them and tell me..
Are you afraid?
Do you see him?
Do you want to know more?
He’s closer than you think. Him, but not the truth, no. Between him and that stands something too big for you to overcome.
Now look at this particular one. Look at his face. Ignore the reactions of your body and mind the brain. What do you feel..?
Ah, show-offs.. gotta love them! Just talked to someone who named 19 books as their ‘favourites’. I mean, don’t get me wrong, reading is great, and books (some) are wonderful, but 19?! I mean honestly, NINETEEN FAVOURITE BOOKS? Of course it may be this or it may be that the person has yet to figure out what the word favourite refers to. No mate, it’s not every single book you found delightful or could read thoroughly, nor is it all the books you’ve ever laid hands on. It’s the *few* ones that changed your existence, had a major impact on the way you saw things, or made you have revelations or nightmares or think about something for days.
Now, if the number of books that changed your life is nineteen.. Well then, oh my, what can I say? You must be a fair confused chap and I’m sorry for you. And don’t get me wrong, I know how hard it is to decide on just a few things like favourite songs from your favourite artist or favourite movies when you’ve seen thousands, but even so, in my opinion the list should not be longer than.. I don’t know, say 6? 6 books? I repeat, don’t think about stuff you just liked.
Up to a point, you can say it’s hard to choose cause they may be totally different, like fantasy, biographies, whatever you like to read, but when someone asks you what are the best ones and you name so many for me is just another way of saying ‘I read a lot’. Actually, implying you read a lot, which is way worse. I have no problem with people just admitting stuff, like .. ‘I know way more quotes than a normal person does’ or ‘I believe I know a lot about a certain field’ or ‘I play the violin very well’, just pointing out your qualities, you know? I like that, people who are aware of what they’re capable of and being confident enough to say it and stand up for it. Modesty is shit, what is it anyway? Just some other form of being humble and coward and ignorant.
Many people, even if deep down they know they’re good at something will probably say they’re average or ‘not that good’ when they’re asked by someone else. Think about how many people would answer ‘Yes’ without hesitation to the question ‘Do you think you’re smart?’ .. Very few, I tell you. And why?! Cause it’s easier than living with the responsibility of having made their skills acknowledged, than having to prove it and stand up for their affirmation. Which is pathetic, by the way.
That’s the reason most people would just rather imply stuff – make it public but at the same time making sure that if at some point they don’t feel good enough, they can always say ‘hey, I never said that about myself.’ It’s, again, so human-ish and shallow it pisses me off. So yeah, this is what annoyed me today – showing off by using cheap tricks like implying stuff to make people admire you/like you/think more of you. Way to go, humble creatures!
Squeaky Voices and Creaking Floors 