As I said, I’m sorry this blog turned into a venting place, I had had something else in mind for it, but I’m just too emotionally broken. Yesterday something happened.. I remember there was this group on Facebook saying ‘I wish music played during epic moments of my life, not just in movies’, well yeah, that’s exactly what happened to me yesterday but in a bad way. I somehow managed to find his pictures. His pictures.. and I looked at them as the song I posted above was playing on the background. I had no intention to do that, and it only hurt more listening to the line ‘How can you say that your truth is better than ours?’ whilst seeing, well, him .
It was just.. .too much, to say the least. Too much, too much. By the way, this is the guy I fell madly in love with, apparently.
You know how everyone and everything changes? Well, that is indeed a very well known fact. What’s not that common though is when something changes REALLY quickly, when something unexpected happens and it takes a while just for you to snap out of the shock. I mean like when you lose someone in a matter of minutes. Or when you win the chance to move to another continent. Or when the underground attacks happen. Something which shakes the world, or just YOUR world. It wouldn’t matter which one it is actually, cause if your own world is confusing to you, you cannot understand the outside world either.
So yeah, when your own world becomes a confusing and foreign place, you go through the five stages that I think a lot of people know already, and these are:
These of course are not 100% likely to happen, for example someone may skip the Anger part or the Bargaining, or the stages may be encountered in a different order.. The time it takes for you to overcome them does not depend on time at all actually. You can be stuck in denial for years. And this is my case. 6 months now, still in denial. They say the first step is recognizing the problem and deciding to do anything to solve it.
Thing is though, I cannot decide whether I want to change it or be stuck in it forever. The shock I experienced was way too much for me to overcome and be like ‘shit happens’. Shit like that is not supposed to happen. But anyway, looking back now I realize I would rather this hadn’t happened – at all. I would rather I hadn’t met that person at all. My mind got utterly messed up and I had no choice in the matter, I just observed how it all happened: memories fading, thoughts being modified, pictures changing and everything just falling apart really. I witnessed my brain being sorta drunk, trying to figure itself out. I have changed a lot since then – I don’t mean it like in, I talk differently or anything on the surface. Just that deep down, I feel quite broken.
I feel there’s something very wrong with my judgement, with the way I feel about other people I meet and talk to. And what really bothers me is that he has no idea what a horrible thing he did..
PS: I wish you would accept that bloody request, I wish I could talk to you. I wish I wish I wish… you weren’t such a twat.
I want you to look at these pictures.. and tell me how they make you feel. You can cry if you want to, say, or do anything. I am not here to stop you. But please look at these pictures. What do you see? Do you recognise anything? Anything at all? Who is that person who appears in every single one of them? Who does that violin belong to? Who lives in that room? What do you know about that fountain? Who arranged those socks on the table and what does it read? Can you remember? Who was that person who sent all these pictures?
Look at them and tell me..
Are you afraid?
Do you see him?
Do you want to know more?
He’s closer than you think. Him, but not the truth, no. Between him and that stands something too big for you to overcome.
Now look at this particular one. Look at his face. Ignore the reactions of your body and mind the brain. What do you feel..?
Damn it. I don’t know him. This is too hard.