Sometimes I wonder

How much worse things can get. I made my two best friends break up today, cause of something I said.. She told me something about him that she was not supposed to say but I didn’t know it was meant to be a secret. So I just figured I should leave him a nice message and a nice video and try to cheer him up cause of what had happened.. But he got angry cause I knew, and he took it all out on her, and now they broke up.

Honestly, can I be more useless than this? Not only do I make myself constantly go through hell, but now I managed to somehow destroy other people’s relationship cause I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Well, it’s not like I did it on purpose but still, I’m the one to blame..

And now of course, as I was feeling like shit trying to explain stuff to both sides, I remembered of all the other things that made my life a living hell these past weeks. Or should I say PEOPLE? I guess that’s the way it goes in the end. Some people hurt other people then those other people go and mess things up for other people and so on. Humanity, thank you for all you’ve given me. Now I can really say ‘fuck my life’ without any trace of irony. Fuck it.

Ideas upon life

These two years that have passed (since the summer of 2009) I have encountered the highest highs and the lowest lows of all the eighteen years I have lived, and I believe it’s fairly righteous to say I’ve learnt quite a few things. To be honest, I think it’s an amazing feeling to be able to look back upon a certain time of your life and realize that you have discovered something, that you are a bit wiser and know a tiny bit more about the complexity of human beings and relationships. It makes you feel not useless.

Now, I don’t know if what I learnt is universally true, I don’t even know if it is mildly true, but this is how it worked for me, and I have a feeling my life’s not different than everyone else’s.. So here it goes:

1. People are not the same, and sure as hell people are not equal. 

2. If you want summin to be done right you’ve got to do it yourself.

3. The feeling that you cannot be hurt (morally) is immense.

4. Appearances are extremely deceitful.

5. Money is way easier to spend when it belongs to someone else.

6. Words mean fuck all and are just a way to distract people from the truth.

7. When you are sick, your whole universe crumbles down.

8. The best and most intense love is the one which ends too soon.

9. No one can be trusted.

10. We never learn, we never change. 

Alright, this is it. I must say I have gone through some serious damage to figure these things out on my own and I am well proud of myself. Two years, my bloody decalogue (not meant to be 10, it must be some kinda magic). As I said, I don’t know if they apply to anyone else, but that’s what my experiences made me believe so far.. If anyone has any objections, I would love to hear them.

My own therapist

I want you to look at these pictures.. and tell me how they make you feel. You can cry if you want to, say, or do anything. I am not here to stop you. But please look at these pictures. What do you see? Do you recognise anything? Anything at all? Who is that person who appears in every single one of them? Who does that violin belong to? Who lives in that room? What do you know about that fountain? Who arranged those socks on the table and what does it read? Can you remember? Who was that person who sent all these pictures?

Look at them and tell me..

Are you afraid?

Do you see him?

Do you want to know more?

He’s closer than you think. Him, but not the truth, no. Between him and that stands something too big for you to overcome.

Now look at this particular one. Look at his face. Ignore the reactions of your body and mind the brain. What do you feel..?

Damn it. I don’t know him. This is too hard.

Conflicts

Conflicts.. don’t we just love them? If we could watch any day of our lives the way we watch movies (another thing we seem to worship as well), I think we’d actually end up feeling pity for the human race whose reputation we constantly ruin with all the useless stuff we do.

Think about all the stupid reasons that make us pollute the universe with bad thoughts and energy. It is hilarious. Throughout my life, I’ve noticed a fair amount people didn’t seem to like me, and that is fine by me. Plus, I find it absolutely pointless to respond to a conflict.  Really, why would you do that? .. To prove you’re better? Well guess what, if you insult back and reply to all the nonsense there’s no way on earth you’ll ever be better. Not to you, not to anyone else.

Besides, the ones who start conflicts, obviously think that you’re wrong/stupid/arrogant/whatever and want you to replace your point of view with theirs. Keep it between me and you, this form of inducing an idea actually means the person badly needs acceptance and acknowledge from others because they don’t trust themselves enough. Needless to say it’s the stupidest way to try to dominate, but oh well, long live ignorance.

Have you noticed there are some people who just seem to NEED to argue? I know quite a few. They always seem to have something against .. everything. And this is why they do it – cause they seek approval. The more you try to impose an idea, the more unsure you are it is true. Think about it – there are times when you are 100% positive about something and if anyone wants to say the opposite you really refuse to engage in the conversation, like ‘I won’t even bother explaining this to you.’ Now, THAT is the right attitude. Besides if you think it through, why do you need them to think the same as you?

I would hate it if everyone thought like me. So what if they’re wrong? Fuck em, what do you care?

I tried dealing with people’s anger in every way I could. Sometimes it takes unearthly efforts to put up with it, but it’s worth it. I’ve found the best way to dominate an argument (cause that’s what we seem to want eventually) and prove we are better is to ignore it. Just pretend it didn’t happen. Smile. DO NOT say a word! Trust me, this is like the best recipe ever to shut people’s mouth. Action through non-action, that’s one of the most useful Taoist teachings. The Chinese got it right.

It will drive them crazy, but that’s not what we want (or at least, that’s not what we SHOULD want) – what really matters is that it will make them face their selves. They’ll be forced to look inside and do some introspection, even involuntarily. Then something will tell them they’re wrong, and they’ll try to make that uncomfortable feeling go by yelling/insulting/sending more texts/calling more, etc. Anything it takes for you to respond and feed their frustrations. But DON’T DO IT.

Sometimes I feel bad for the people I love when I see them get mad and I just choose not to react, cause they often think I don’t care enough or don’t love them or I’m ignorant or whatever. I don’t mind that. The key is to feel relief when they get that bad energy poisoning their brain out, and don’t fight it. You’ll only make things worse, so let them say what they want and listen to them, cause that’s their raw self speaking. Take advantage of it and try to help them later, or if you don’t wanna do that, take advantage of it and remember their weaknesses. Anyhow, feel their relief and look at it as a good thing instead of being offended or feeling disappointed.

We should never feel ‘disappointed’ in others, that’s another stupid concept people invented to make others do what they want them to do, some sort of subtle blackmail. For example – I am disappointed you didn’t remember I had an exam today. Why should they anyway? We are in-di-vi-du-als, which means our actions and thoughts are unique and we sort them and use them the way we want to. We are not related to each other, although sometimes it bloody looks like it.

My point is.. feel good, accept others being angry, understand that as a natural reaction, and listen to whatever they’re saying. At least you know for sure they’re being honest in those moments.

Lies

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Lies. I don’t wanna write 2 pages of philosophy about telling the truth or lying or when it’s better to lie. I don’t disapprove that strongly of lying. I’m okay with lying sometimes, and you know why? Cause I know how people work. I myself have been a human for some years now, and I can honestly say the thing  I hate most about us is hypocrisy.

I hate it how everyone has principles and moral values when it comes to others but they don’t give a shit about those when their arse is in trouble.

I’ve been lied to big time for over a year. Yeah I know, that makes me sound a bit like an idiot, or to put it nicer, naive. In my defense though, I will say – that person had massive issues. With his brain, I mean. He believed everything he said himself, so you can see how severe it was. No one could’ve told it was a lie – and no one ever thought it could be. Although having been through this would usually make people hate lies, I’m okay with it.

I was going through McDrive with someone the other day and the guy working there asked us ‘Have you tried the latest …?’ We were in a hurry, so we said ‘Yeah yeah we did, thanks.’ Do you think this classifies as a lie? It barely hurt anyone, right? I know there was always the other option, saying ‘No we haven’t but we don’t care and we gotta get going so please shut up and take our order already, will you?’, but my guess is that he would’ve taken it badly. Therefore, we lied. A lot of people actually force us to tell lies cause they just refuse to hear and understand our truth. And we always do what’s best for us. One way or another, we do what suits US most.

Long story short, I agree with lying when you know that person wouldn’t understand you, and lying about YOURSELF only. I don’t agree with lying when it’s without reason, and by that I mean inventing stuff about you or others (lying about others is just horrible). I think not telling the truth when it’s convenient is part of the human nature, so why try to deny something that’s part of who we are as species? It’s been proven that kids from the earliest ages tell lies and hide stuff cause it’s in their instinct.

Therefore, if you agree with the self-preservation aspect, you HAVE to agree with lying and stop being a hypocrite.