Certitude

There’s only so many questions that I keep asking myself all the time, and I never seem to find answers .. One of the most important ones is.. You know when someone appreciates you, or likes you, or hell, LOVES you, and they tell you that, I’m always like ‘Why? Why me? Why am I so special?’ .. Cause I’ve talked to a lot of great people, and I was so surprised to see many of them were way better than me on so many levels.

What I mean is, anything I can do, someone else can do it better. And yeah, I know that’s normal but thing is I’ve seen these people.. met them and I don’t understand why I am loved and some of them aren’t. It seems unfair. I have a very good friend who is way more involved in relationships than I am and she cares a lot more about people than I do and somehow she’s completely alone, and she’s been wanting to find someone for more than three years. I honestly don’t understand how this is possible, and sometimes I feel guilty for being so happy and having more than a few amazing persons in my life.

There are songs and books and movies that are so inspirational that you would think it takes a lot for someone to fully understand them but apparently a lot of people love them anyway, people you wouldn’t even expect to pay attention to them, and that makes me wonder.. Am I really not that smart, or are they as smart as I am? Cause I used to think of myself as an above-average person, without modesty, and seeing how a lot of people actually have the same likes and interests as I do leads me to believe I’m really not that special at all. So yeah, why me.. how is it that I find great people and bond easily with them and never lack friends? It’s weird.

I am at least grateful and happy at the same time that everyone I’ve loved loved me back so far, and I’ve never been rejected by someone cause they weren’t into me, which is a good thing ( I guess? ). I’m happy that they somehow didn’t choose anyone else although they could’ve.. That gives me quite a lot of confidence to be honest, and renders the feeling that I DO have something interesting, but I swear I can never put the finger on it…

Oh, and to the person I’m with now.. I do wish everything this song below says. I know some of these things have already happened, but I wish all of them had. I really do. And thank you for all the ways in which you’ve helped me, although you are unaware of them at the moment..

A great day..

for me, because it’s my dad’s birthday today. I wish you are as happy as I want myself to be, and thank you for being in my life.

Oh, here’s a stupid comparison to express what you mean to me: You know how in some competitions you get 1st,2nd and 3rd place diplomas, and  BESIDES those there’s always a special one? I never understood the thing with that.. I was always like ‘why do you need a special one, if there is a first place?’ Well, I get it now. I would give the people I love the first places, but you and Mum will always be my special ones. ♥

Why we’re not happy

We all need to relax from time to time, and we have our different ways to do it, but how many people really ask themselves ‘How exactly should I do it?’. I bet not many. Imagine a sheet of paper. White, blank, unstained. Perfect. Pure. That is bliss.

Then imagine taking a pencil and scratching and scribbling stuff all over it until it becomes impossible to see the white anymore. This is what we do to our brain daily by letting in all the problems and bad thoughts and negative energy invade our head. In order to relax, this is exactly what you have to stop – the pencil. And in order to do so, we need to accept everything and anything.

I know this may sound like a cliche and hard or maybe useless, but it’s the only way. Accept, accept, accept everything around you. Stop anger and gossip and illusions and just control yourself. Control your thoughts, you’re the only one who can do it. If you manage to do that, you’ll be happy, trust me. You’ll feel good. You don’t have to like everyone or keep smiling or whatever, but instead of letting the negative karma get you, just ignore it. Get it out of your brain. Say ‘Ok, I am in charge here and you won’t ruin my day!’.

It took me a while to realise I was in control of everything that happened to me, that I could sort my thoughts and get rid of the bad ones, but when I did I felt relieved.

I know people that just can’t chill. They keep talking and thinking and are too stressed to watch a movie or read something without checking the time every half an hour. I’m trying hard to make them understand life, cause I love them. Usually people who do this are seen as irresponsible and immature, sometimes even ignorant. It’s such a paradox, when I’m aware of everything that’s going on around me and still I get the one who’s being called that cause I’m trying to wake them up before it’s too late.

I wish I could see happy people around me but everyone just keeps looking in the wrong places. Some even look for happiness in other persons. Now ain’t that stupid.. Happiness is a state of mind, YOUR state of YOUR mind, how could anyone else help you find it?

I’m not an expert myself, but I’m good at it at least. I can make myself happy in a very short time, cause I WANT to. People don’t usually WANT to be happy, they just say they do, which is funny. You see someone crying or ranting and you try talking to them they just deny everything good that you say like ‘No, really, everything’s a mess, you don’t understand.’ Of course I understand. Everybody understands, we’re all part of the same species god damn it. Instead of doing that – annoying others and overwhelming them with your problems – you could find some bloody reasons to feel good, if that’s what you want. Reasons are everywhere if you really want to find them.

If you don’t, then stop ranting and enjoy sadness, that’s not a bad thing. Sadness is not a bad thing, but you have to admit you enjoy it first. Otherwise you’ll just be stuck in between, not knowing what the hell you want. Oh and this, by the way, is the biggest damage you can do to your brain.