The Problem

You know how everyone and everything changes? Well, that is indeed a very well known fact. What’s not that common though is when something changes REALLY quickly, when something unexpected happens and it takes a while just for you to snap out of the shock. I mean like when you lose someone in a matter of minutes. Or when you win the chance to move to another continent. Or when the underground attacks happen. Something which shakes the world, or just YOUR world. It wouldn’t matter which one it is actually, cause if your own world is confusing to you, you cannot understand the outside world either.

So yeah, when your own world becomes a confusing and foreign place, you go through the five stages that I think a lot of people know already, and these are:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

These of course are not 100% likely to happen, for example someone may skip the Anger part or the Bargaining, or the stages may be encountered in a different order.. The time it takes for you to overcome them does not depend on time at all actually. You can be stuck in denial for years. And this is my case. 6 months now, still in denial. They say the first step is recognizing the problem and deciding to do anything to solve it.

Thing is though, I cannot decide whether I want to change it or be stuck in it forever. The shock I experienced was way too much for me to overcome and be like ‘shit happens’. Shit like that is not supposed to happen. But anyway, looking back now I realize I would rather this hadn’t happened – at all. I would rather I hadn’t met that person at all. My mind got utterly messed up and I had no choice in the matter, I just observed how it all happened: memories fading, thoughts being modified, pictures changing and everything just falling apart really. I witnessed my brain being sorta drunk, trying to figure itself out. I have changed a lot since then – I don’t mean it like in, I talk differently or anything on the surface. Just that deep down, I feel quite broken.

I feel there’s something very wrong with my judgement, with the way I feel about other people I meet and talk to. And what really bothers me is that he has no idea what a horrible thing he did..

PS: I wish you would accept that bloody request, I wish I could talk to you. I wish I wish I wish… you weren’t such a twat.

The world we live in

For some unknown reasons I turned on the telly today only to see the most awful thing I’ve seen in ages. It switched on to BBC News and I saw some video about a war.. in which the USA was involved, obviously.
I’ll just say what I saw.. not what I believe, or how I feel about this whole thing as it’s irrelevant. I’ll just say that I saw a group of black, poorly dressed people yelling and burning stuff. They carried guns and behind them was a demoralizing, miserable land – all dusty, pieces of clothing everywhere, stones, food. Oh, and some fairly devastated small buildings which I believe were their houses. That was the background.

The people were yelling something, and one of them was no older than 12 years old and I put the telly on mute and just looked at them, sitting on my comfortable bed, in my cosy house, drinking some Diet Coke. Then a feeling hit me – it didn’t last more than a few seconds but it was horrible. I felt so sorry for those men as they stood there with their guns, fighting for life, I had no clue what they were saying, what was that thing they kept screaming for probably a long time, but I knew they were hurting, a lot. Looking at the screen for just one second would have been enough for anyone, and I mean anyone, to imagine what kind of pain they must have experienced.. I just wanted to find a way to talk to them, let them know I’m that horrible Big Brother watching them with my Diet Coke from my comfortable bed, and that I feel sorry for them. So sorry it hurt, so sorry I wished I understood their language and desires.

They were just images to me, just some people somewhere far far away, having problems. Some people dying.. eventually. I remember a character’s words from a book: he said geography, history, whatever happens on the planet right now, is not OUR reality. We know about it but we cannot experience it so the 7 billion people on Earth are actually just numbers – one could never meet them all so they’re not real. Well it’s funny cause I subscribed to that idea, but when I saw those images the people in them were as real as that cold can of Diet Coke I was holding. It was like a movie, but in real -time. You know how movies affect us more when they’re based on true stories? Well imagine a true story made as a film. Cause they were being filmed and all..

I wanted nothing but to talk to them. If I’d had a chance, this is what I would’ve said :

‘I am no more of a human than you are and you should not go through this. Please drop your guns cause they won’t help you. You can do fuck all to stop the Americans or anyone actually, your people is a poor and sick one, and you will eventually die.. You could not possibly understand why this will happen, although there IS an explanation, a very absurd one indeed. I know it’s not fair and I’m ashamed of people like me who don’t give a shit, and I’m ashamed of those who planned it all. I know that you will die sooner or later. You and other hundreds of thousands, but that doesn’t matter. Your life is the most important .. for you. Just how everyone’s life is. And you will lose yours cause of this sick masterplan. Being from a ‘developed’ country wouldn’t help either. I am at least glad to let you know that I could die as unexpected as you after all, cause no one could ever stand up to it. The rules have been made and the only point where your life went wrong was the moment you were born – blame the place where you were born. Not yourself. I don’t know you, I don’t know what’s that you’re saying or what’s written on that board you’re carrying, I don’t even know what language you speak. But you are a human being, and therefore you are amazing. And I feel sorry for you and for me and for us all. Rest in peace.’

Some more ranting

I’ve had some health problems lately which have actually resulted in me doing something productive for my brain, something I’d wanted to do in a long time. Basically, I just isolated myself and watched about 4 documentaries and 2 movies a day. Yes, yes, that is possible. If you get outta the room only when you need to go pee or grab a snack, it is possible. And it’s gold for the brain. In this intoxicated world.. it’s like living in the mountains for a month eating nothing but harvested food.

It does have some drawbacks though. I eventually had to get out of this blissful state and get back to.. go figure, the real world. Now THAT was horrifying. I am utterly fed up with all these trivial things that surround me, it is d-i-s-g-u-s-t-i-n-g. I’m starting to believe there’s some area in my brain that records rubbish-no-one-really-needs-but-everyone-seems-to-love and I feel that area’s overloading as I speak. I just can’t take it anymore. I wanna go to another country, another continent, I’m willing to give away all the technology I have hold of in exchange of Life. Pure, raw, life indeed. I need that.

It also bothers me that people who really have no clue what my mind is about (not cause I’m incredibly smart, but cause they’re unbelievably stupid) have the nerve to think I’m arrogant or that I feel superior to them. Well.. amazingly, I do feel I’m above 80% of the population, and they should have the decency to feel inferior to smart, thinking people, but obviously they’re too ignorant to see that.  They think admitting someone’s better than them is humiliating, whoa. But anyway, my hatred for stupidity has again gone too far.

I feel saturated by the media, the ads, the songs that would make any reasonable person’s ears bleed, the cheap brainwashing methods from hypermarkets to global rubbish that actually succeed in manipulating most of us.. And you’d think locking yourself up and refusing to talk to anyone is abnormal. I might be paranoid or over-thinking stuff but if I am it’s only because I believe someone in this world has to do the thinking, even if it’s only a tenth of the 7 billions, if the rest won’t.

I know it’s not very pleasant to read someone’s rants but that’s why I made this thing – its role is to bear with everything that goes through my mind. And sadly, it’s not exactly what you’d call inspiring, although those documentaries gave a great insight of what I’m truly interested in and I feel up to date with philosophical matters now. I recommend doing this to everyone who wants an escape and can’t afford to go away on vacation. :)

Daily mess

I have had quite enough of girls these days.. I myself am a girl and I swear I don’t understand how they can be like that. I’m talking about all those idiots that feel that the more make-up they wear the prettier they get. The fewer the clothes, the more attractive they think they are. Of course it’s always easier to show your arse than to actually use your brain to look hot, but really why doesn’t ANYONE give a damn about the brains nowadays?

I’ve had enough of these retards who feel above everyone just cause they have spent an hour of their useless lives in front of the mirror to look like a fucking clown. Cause that’s what they look like. I swear if I were a guy I couldn’t even think about liking a girl like that, I mean what’s wrong with you people, you can’t even guess their natural hair colour or face. In my opinion, women should look natural, just like men do, just like everything should be for that matter. Natural.

We got so used to faking everything, from faking we give a damn, we fake relationships, work, smiles, jewelleries, wood, we fake popular stuff like iPhones and computers and famous clothing brands, and now we even fake our fucking looks.  This is so wrong, and the fact that no one cares it’s wrong is just too much.

Oh, speaking of alarming stuff we don’t give a fuck about. Global warming, recycling, animals and plants soon to be gone forever cause no one can’t be bothered, the fact that a quarter of the globe’s population is addicted to cigarette smoking or drugs or alcohol (REALLY, PEOPLE?), technology gone mad, black holes, parallel universes, running out of water, running out of oil, running out of .. NATURE.

We’re fucking running out of nature and no one gives a damn. We instead make movies about it. Lots and lots of films that people pay to go see and then feel illuminated and talk about it for about 10 minutes until they get busy struggling to eat that extra-large McDonald’s meal.

I don’t know why I bother thinking about all these things really. I’m a girl, I could find better things to do. I could just go put 2.3 tones of make-up on my face, dye my hair in 4 colours, put on a belt, make people believe it’s a skirt and get lots of guys and pictures and live a happy life.

Sometimes I wish I could do that, cause as someone 300 years ago said : ‘Ignorance is bliss.’ It really is.

I remember having this conversation with someone and he asked me ‘Would you really wanna be like them though?’ .. Uhm, let’s put it this way. If I were like them, without knowing I’m.. like them, yes. If I were to choose between being born like them (an idiot) or like I am now, I’d choose the first one. It’s way easier, and no one gives a damn anyway, right? So why not?

Might as well stop the wounds in my brain that I have now for seeing all this rubbish we somehow grow complacent with.

Not the end..

The world’s always on the move. Everywhere around the globe, people leave. They get promoted, get jobs, go to schools, their families drag them away and so on.. And they leave others who love them behind. I wish you understood that. I wish I could talk to you about how I see this whole thing and maybe you wouldn’t be so depressed then, but you refuse to let me in, and I am sick of trying.

I know I’m not the one who’s being left behind, and to be honest the line between pointing out the facts and being a twat is very fine in this situation. I don’t know if I have any right at all to talk about this so naturally. I don’t know how you feel. It just drives me crazy to see how you constantly drive this subject to the point that I feel so bloody guilty and I am literally left speechless. Yesterday you said ‘I guess that moment when we’ll be together all the time will never come, aye?‘ .. It hit me out of nowhere. Just like that. And I couldn’t utter a word cause of that guilt that suffocated me. That was all I could feel..

You take it as I am being the one who’s leaving YOU when it’s actually me going away cause I have to. Staying was never an option. I see you the way I thought I never will, cause all you taught me.. All these things that I learned from YOU and make me feel better now.. Gee, it’s like you’ve forgot everything. And the worst thing is that I can’t say anything. I can’t talk you out of it. I can’t say ‘You’re being utterly irrational and over-depressed, get better, think it through, find a solution and stop being miserable.’ cause that would make me a twat. Like, I’m the cause of it and I’m telling you to move on..?

This is the last thing I wanted to happen – you thinking I have no consideration for our relationship. Cause I fucking do, I love you. And the reason I’m not crying and counting the months till it’s gonna happen is because I don’t see it like you do. I see a future. You see the ending. I refuse to let anything get between us as long as I still have feelings for you, and I want you to come with me eventually. I wanna spend all my holidays with you and be there, with you.

If only I could tell you these things without looking into your eyes feeling like the biggest knob ever. Now everytime we see each other and I’m about to leave I’m expecting you to say something related to that, that will just add up to my already huge guilt. Our communication is practically zero when it comes to this subject and if anything, I know I’m not the one to blame for that. At least for that..