Growing up.

Alright, so there’s the past, on the left. The present, in the middle. And the future, on the right. Two directions where you could go but you can’t actually cause you’re stuck in the present, whether you want it or not. Everything on the left has ceased to exist, nothing on the right has ever existed yet.

Then there’s this infinite loop, this wormhole, this something-that-scientists-cannot-explain, starting from X which is NOW, and going back to something that stopped existing a long time ago. This ‘I-don’t-know-why-I-did-it’, this ‘I-want-to-feel-your-skin’, this ‘Where-the-fuck-is-everything-I-knew’, and I am stuck there.. now. And have been for quite a while and even more since I talked to you the other day. If I were religious, I would say it was God’s help. If I believed in miracles, that would be one, and if I were completely honest, I would’ve thanked you, and thanked you, and thanked you.

Sitting here on a chair that’s miles away from you, I realised both how amazing you were and how we could’ve never been together..happily. I still can’t believe how with every word you said you made me feel better and I kept crying and literally felt the pain like some sorta energy leaving my body. The things you said made me see everything differently and although I am happy with myself and all, I am utterly miserable that you, my dear.. you are unreachable. I made you unreachable.

You could’ve been a room away and I made you unreachable. And the fool in me is disappointed, but I guess I was not-fool enough to choose you in the beginning. And there was the beginning, and there was the end, and nothing will compare to that cause there’s no time and I’ve learnt too much and saw too many things to go back to how I was 4 years ago.

I don’t know if I miss you, or just my teen years and that summer three years ago with you in the park wearing that green shirt. You know that I love you. What you don’t know though, is that.. I STILL love you..

 

 

I'm sorry.

I’ve just returned from a horror-beautiful weekend at the seaside. I’m not really sure how I should start this.. The sea hurt. It’s always sad to see places you used to know so well becoming only memories, and the reason I say this is that everything felt so wrong there.

Every step I took reminded me of last year, or even worse : 2 years ago. I hoped you would be there, but you weren`t. I hoped that for days and days and you let me know only a few hours before I left that you weren`t going to come.. What did you do that for?

I’m sorry I got drunk and said all those things to you that I never wouldn’t have, if I was sober. I’m sorry the sea is dirty and miserable and that I can’t hear its waves anymore. I’m sorry I missed our anniversary going to a disco with people I bearly knew and liked, bought you a turtle instead of being with you, and faced our memories alone. I felt the salty water without you, and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that place is not what we used to know, and just a worthless strip of sand that a big bunch of losers uses to throw garbage on.

I’m also sorry you’ll probably never read this, and I’m sorry you’ll never know how I missed you. I’m sorry there are no words to describe what I’ve been through seeing all those things without you near.

Oh, and the most important.. I’m sorry you didn’t miss me as much as I did, and that I can’t let you go. God, I wish I could!

Cause.. What you are to me… I do not need..

..

I remember how you used to say you don’t listen to the music I do, cause you think it’s rather plain.

This song is amazing. The clumsy way he plays the piano is lovely. The lyrics are so painfully beautiful. Her voice is unearthly. And last but not least, the climax hurts like crap.
After all, you two have something in common. This music makes me shed a tear, just like you, so many times, used to make me cry my ass out.

And the lyrics kind of fit you.

But in the end I guess I still miss you.

The Distance. What can we do?

Now, that’s a nightmare that’s been following me for almost 3 years. What can we do when we desperately want to be near someone who’s thousands of miles away? And I’m not only talking about a lover, but a son, a brother, an old friend.

How can we handle someone being taken hours away from us? And of course we can always call, text, IM, and even go on webcams and see their laugh full-screened, but what if you just want to sit next to that person without hearing or seeing him, and just feel his hand holding yours? Oblivion is not an answer. Nor is ignorance. Then what is it?

I’ve experienced hatred, disillusion, and so on just like anyone of you, but I’ve never felt more miserable than I did when MISSING the ones I loved. Cause I knew there was absolutely nothing that could make me feel better. It’s those times when you just feel the need to squeeze something and clench your fists cause you can’t touch them, or when you wish you would be any person who accidentally passes them by, just so you can feel them and see them walk, even for a few seconds.

What do to? Hope that someday, at some point, you may actually have the chance to be with them again without any milestone standing between you.. Oh boy. If Distance was a person, I’d beat her to death with no regrets, I mean it.

So fuck you, Distance. And you too Time, cause you do a pretty damn good teamwork together! Fuck you, in the name of every bitter lover, mother, brother and friend who’s standing there now dreaming oceans away.

PS: To everyone who’s far away from me, and I wish they weren’t .. I love you. And some miles won’t stop me to. God damn it..