Coming up next

One day, I will jump so high to actually reach the ceiling of this room I’ve been starting at for so long.

One day, I will be able to play a whole Chopin piece on the piano.

One day, I will see New York.

One day, I will get so drunk that I won’t remember anything, but that will only be with the right people at the right time.

One day, I will have the right people next to me, all of them, at the very right time.

One day, I will have my own money and live on my own and be just fine.

One day, I will forget him completely, and fall in love again without even realising.

One day, I will get a license and after I’ve seen New York, I will drive my way through the US.

One day, I will lose some more weight and look perfect, as now I’m just ‘alrite’.

One day, but not today. Today I’m fine the way I am, the way everything is. And I swear I would only need a couple of things more for it to be perfect, but I know that can’t be possible, so I’m happy as it is. I’m making plans and hoping that one day ..

PS: This song I posted, yes, J. it bloody reminds me of you, but I don’t care anymore, cause I love it. I love a lot of songs that remind me of you. And I won’t spend the rest of my life regretting I didn’t go to Reading that summer two years ago and remembering how you used to sing ‘You gotta be stronger than the story.’ Well I am now. I’m stronger than the story.

Tiny detail bout feelings.

Darling, if you don’t mind me saying.. You’re amazing.. But I’m in love, and you’re not the one.

That scenario right there – WHO would like to hear that? No matter how understanding and open-minded one may be.. I mean, I try to be as caring and understanding as I can and try to put myself in everyone’s shoes, think how I would react if I were in their situation and try helping them, but this.. Honestly, if you care or start to like someone and you get that, no matter how kind and sorry they may be as they say it, you feel like shit anyway. There’s no nice way to put it.. You could say ‘You’re amazing and I’m sorry I don’t like you’ or you might as well say ‘You suck, go away.‘ The person will feel as rejected in both cases.

This is why I would rather avoid saying it as much as I can. Just say nothing, pretend it’s not there. Well of course this is a stupid advice as avoiding is not a solution but it these situations nothing is logical, when it comes to feeling NOTHING is. There is no logic in the way people lose their feelings, therefore there’s no logic in the way they gain them. It’s all chaotic, on a whim and with no sense of rationality. You cannot think AND feel, it’s either one or the other.. So how could you try to explain logically a feeling? How on earth could you rationalise AND MORE! Excuse yourself for what you feel.. That’s the stupidest thing ever..

Sorry for feeling attracted to someone else, or sorry I don’t wanna see you right now, so many situations in which people have nothing to be sorry about. It’s only natural to feel these things and denying them is like denying who you are, denying you exist. If I were to make a list of things of my own, it would take me a while.

Sorry, S., cause I fell madly and uncontrollably in love with someone else.

Sorry there were so many times I walked out on you and refused talking cause I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Sorry to the guys I had to say no to, cause I didn’t want any shallow connections at the time. 

Sorry J. for loving you like the fool I was and not realizing when it was over, when it was too late, when you were already gone, when I went too far, when I didn’t get the message.

See? The list could go on a lot but those were the recent things I have to excuse myself about.. but I won’t, not ever, not to those persons I mentioned above. Cause it’s useless. So yeah.. avoid trying to explain feelings cause you’ll never be able to, or if you do, it will all be a stupid pathetic cliche that will only make that person feel pretty much like a cliche as well.

And just one more thing, NEVER feel sorry about what you feel. Regret anything else, but not that.. that’s a complete different thing.

Sometimes I wonder

How much worse things can get. I made my two best friends break up today, cause of something I said.. She told me something about him that she was not supposed to say but I didn’t know it was meant to be a secret. So I just figured I should leave him a nice message and a nice video and try to cheer him up cause of what had happened.. But he got angry cause I knew, and he took it all out on her, and now they broke up.

Honestly, can I be more useless than this? Not only do I make myself constantly go through hell, but now I managed to somehow destroy other people’s relationship cause I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Well, it’s not like I did it on purpose but still, I’m the one to blame..

And now of course, as I was feeling like shit trying to explain stuff to both sides, I remembered of all the other things that made my life a living hell these past weeks. Or should I say PEOPLE? I guess that’s the way it goes in the end. Some people hurt other people then those other people go and mess things up for other people and so on. Humanity, thank you for all you’ve given me. Now I can really say ‘fuck my life’ without any trace of irony. Fuck it.

This is bad

As I said, I’m sorry this blog turned into a venting place, I had had something else in mind for it, but I’m just too emotionally broken. Yesterday something happened.. I remember there was this group on Facebook saying ‘I wish music played during epic moments of my life, not just in movies’, well yeah, that’s exactly what happened to me yesterday but in a bad way. I somehow managed to find his pictures. His pictures.. and I looked at them as the song I posted above was playing on the background. I had no intention to do that, and it only hurt more listening to the line  ‘How can you say that your truth is better than ours?’ whilst seeing, well, him .

It was just.. .too much, to say the least. Too much, too much. By the way, this is the guy I fell madly in love with, apparently.

Kamikaze

How hard is it actually, for the psychologist to become the patient? How long, and how hard, and how much does it take? What if one falls in love with their patient, suppose that patient is all they could ever wish for, suppose it’s a great patient. Maybe he isn’t even sick, say he’s there for other reasons. What if he never gets well though? What if he disappears and she cannot accept that she couldn’t cure him, that she wasn’t all he needed. That she needed him but he needed something else.

What if, at that point when the patient goes away, she herself becomes him. What if she loses her bloody mind. 

 

I get the feeling more and more that this is how I will be for the rest of my life. This is how I’ve always been.. I see no reason why things would be different in the future. The official definition for Kamikaze is someone who is willing to lose their life to commit a terrorist attack in the name of a strong belief, such as religion. I have a definition of my own though.. and that is, someone who is willing to risk their safety or sanity to get involved in something inappropriate, useless, dangerous or prone to produce great emotional pain, for ABSOLUTELY no decent reason.

That’s how I am. Ever since I’ve known myself, I’ve always got into the stupidest and complicated situations and always had to squeeze my brains out to find a solution, or to get better. It’s like.. tell me something that sounds impossible and it will attract me so much that I will do my best to be part of it. I’ve never planned it to be like that, I just get too emotionally involved or care too much about people.. I can’t just abandon someone I care about. I thought about that so many times, but as time went by it got harder and harder to just walk out of it, leave him. Pretend I’ve never met him, never loved him. He did it though, so now I wish I had had the strength.. Anyway, I guess lots of people do that.

It just HAS to get complicated, doesn’t it? Some people just aren’t happy if things are too okay and easy to deal with. They need complications, adventure, taking risks, and they will find any excuses possible to have that. ‘My relationship at the moment is boring.’ ‘He doesn’t understand me.’ ‘I need a change.’ ‘I’ve always wanted to live there actually!’ ‘It can’t be that bad!’ … These are just regular excuses, not to mention sayings such as ‘If it feels good, it can’t be that bad.‘ or ‘I’d rather regret something I’ve done than something I haven’t.’ 

All these sayings and ideas have just encouraged me for so many years to do the most foolish things one could, because I’m impulsive and because I don’t realize what the implications are. I always realize when it’s already too late, this is why I believe I’m a ‘kamikaze’. Is someone too far? too fucked-up-in-the-brain? impossible to be with? Cool, then why shouldn’t I madly fall in love with them, spend a couple of years loving them, then another couple of years regretting I ever did? Cool indeed, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

Is someone an outsider? a social-reject? Someone with a major flaw or really not good to be around? Great, I’ll make them my friend and care about them way more than I should, then when it gets hard and I always have to be there for them, I’ll just spend time wondering why I got myself into it.

No problem, really. I enjoy doing this.. Sometimes I wonder how no one noticed how massively messed up I am and tried helping ME. That’s maybe because I’m too busy helping others and the only time I have for myself is late at night when I’m trying to sleep and can’t cause of the nightmares and panic attacks. Whenever I feel like that, I tell myself it’s only my fault, I’m the only one to blame for everything that’s happening to me.. J., S., and all the other friends that I love, friends with problems.. I’m really glad to be loving you guys, I’m glad to be helping you whenever I can.. but.. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do this, for I’m going mad myself. And honestly, I don’t think YOU care enough to listen to MY problems. So.. yeah.. kamikaze much?

Radiography of love

Two years tomorrow. Two years since I first talked to you, and half a year since I’ve missed you like crazy every day of my life. I read some of our conversations, I would read them all but they’re thousands.. This is how it all started. This is to remind me why I loved you so much.

19th of August, 2009.

Alecs: you have to enjoy it and have fun, cause it`s really beautiful there

Jasper: yeah il have fun

Jasper: but i just wish i could talk to you dude!

Alecs: why?! i mean you`ll have fun, that`s what matters:P

Alecs: be happy about it

Jasper: hahah nah you dont understand :P

Alecs: make me

Jasper: i can’t

Alecs: haha why?

Jasper: coz i dont like it when i dont talk to you!

Alecs: uhm, neither do i!

Alecs: but you`ll feel okay and you`ll forget

Alecs: i mean you won`t forget me

Alecs: just forget you were feeling sad

Alecs: which is a good thing, cause we don`t want you sad, don`t we?! :P silly

Jasper: you’ll forget too then! :P

Alecs: no i won`t, cause i won`t be there having fun

Alecs: i`ll be looking at your fucking OFFLINE NAME on MSN

Jasper: you’ll be in greece! :P

Alecs: i won`t have fun in greece dude, i`m going with them!

Alecs: like it will be nice, relaxing but not.. FUN

*

21st of August, 2009

Alecs: what did you want to tell me?

Jasper: um, no

Alecs: tell me!

Jasper: i cant!

Alecs: you said you can tell me anything!

Jasper: i know :P

Alecs: and we won`t be talking in ages

Alecs: and i want to know what`s going on with you

Jasper: ah dude im so stupid

Alecs: STOP SAYING YOU ARE

Jasper: like this summer i got really close to you, and i know i shouldnt have because … i   duno i always love things that i ‘cant have’ you know? and it sucks and i just know that stuffs guna get so hard when i  go back to school because it always does

Jasper: you just mean so much to me dude, like way too much if you ask me, and thats just talking like this, i havent even met you and i care that much for you and i dont understand and in a way i wish i didnt

Alecs: ….

Alecs: uhm, like, thanks for saying this, you made it easier for me too, haha

Jasper: haha im ridiculous

Jasper: dont tell me im not

Alecs: do you remember when i told you that if i`ll ever get too close to you, i`ll have to delete you for ever? haha

Alecs: uhm of course i was kidding then, but it kind of happened, and i know it`s stupid, i  don`t even want to admit it, cause it`s absurd

Alecs: and like i always make it harder for me you know?

Alecs: i somehow manage to complicate things everytime and i make myself suffer

Alecs: and this is really stupid, honestly

Alecs: i wish it wasn`t like that either

Alecs: and telling you this, feels even more stupid

Alecs: but i don`t want to go, and i don`t want you to go

Jasper: me either

Jasper: but it is stupid, i hate it, i just wish we lived close and could be like normal friends

Looking back and reading these now I realize how much has changed, how much it’s been. I don’t recognize myself in those lines, but I surely recognize him. That’s exactly how I remembered him. So weird to think it was only two years ago, I was just a kid. I wish I could have that summer back, if only for a few days.. that would be.. ‘fun-toss-teak’.

Don’t panic

I don’t know what’s up with this blog that I’ve somehow managed to turn it into a proper diary, and I never meant that. I kinda used to hate them, the term sounded so girlish and.. gay, and useless. Diary.. what the hell do you need a diary for.. if you want memories, look at yourself, look at the pictures and listen to the music, you don’t need a bloody diary, that’s what I used to say. I promise myself I’ll make some nice posts in the future, stead of this stupid ranting.

 

Nevertheless, I wanna spill out here everything I couldn’t say to someone quite important, so this is it. Letter for him.

 

I don’t even know what to say first, there’s only so many things I wish I had told you that night but I couldn’t find my words. I know why you got so pissed and showed up the way you did but the talk we had was utter rubbish. If we were to have a final argument, that was definitely not what I had in mind. First of all, I didn’t want it to end cause of anyone, especially cause of  J. I would never let that interfere with our relationship cause that boy did me enough harm as it was anyway. The things you said were really absurd, as a matter a fact. The only reason why I chose to break up was you, and me. The things between us, that’s all.

Secondly, I know it was my fault for keeping you in the dark about what I was going through but the only reason I chose not to tell you was because you really hated him and I wanted to avoid hours of arguments. Plus, you were my boyfriend, I couldn’t really say that, it would’ve been awful. As I said before, I sometimes agree with lying, I admit. I lied to protect you though, not myself, as I was going through hell and could’ve actually used someone to talk to. And you proved me I was right as right after I told you, the rubbish wouldn’t stop coming. I did NOT go to London to meet him. I’ve told you once, told you a thousand times. The fact that you still doubted that after everything I confessed only strengthened my belief that you stopped being the right person for me long time ago. I cannot believe you would actually think I would lie with something that big – something that literally changed my life. And what’s sad is that I gave you no reason to treat me like that. Ever.

Beyond all that’s been said (mostly by you as I stood there in shock and amaze and .. regret), I can’t say I don’t feel sorry for all that was. You were, after all, the person who’s been with me through every big event of my life, and I was the same for you. I mean, we’ve practically known each other for years. I will never try to deny that or minimize it. It’s important, it lasts, and you will be as well. I love you and I always will, just not in that way. I find it hard to even talk to you now after the awful ‘talk’ we had the other day. You coming there was a very, but VERY bad idea, I was not prepared and you were bloody hammered. Worst circumstances to discuss years of relationship.. But it was your decision, and although you were probably not fully aware of it, it was my duty to respect it. The big mistake was that you insisted having the talk about J, and what I felt for him and everything, and I had to tell you, I had nothing to lose anyway, you already hated me.

The only reason I’m writing stuff here is cause you certainly wouldn’t wanna hear it normally, and especially not after what’s happened. So.. yeah, our last talk was a disaster, and if I could change that I really would. The way you left was awful and the way you acted like a twat (which was certainly not the you I know) put me off completely. This being said, I hope you’re happy from now on and I’m not being ironic. I care for you a great deal. That’s about it.

StumbleUpon Past

There’s an amazing add-on called StumbleUpon that you install on your browser and each time you press its button it takes you to mostly incredible sites that you would never find, related to the interests you set for yourself. I use it when I’m bored sometimes and today it kept me busy for 2 hours. Unfortunately, I have just stopped stumbling as it took me to this random quote website, and reading those quotes that I know many may think are useless and shallow and childish, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I hadn’t cried in a long time.

Basically, I was just reading them without thinking about anything and my eyes got wet all of a sudden and then it all went to hell. I sorta feel alright now though. I feel human-ish. Emotions are something completely normal and although they say it’s psychologically proven that all emotion pain lasts for 12 minutes while the rest is self-inflicted.. Mine lasted a bit longer. I’m a drama queen, what can I say. Anyway, here are some quotes:

Alright, some may say they’re too sloppy but.. honestly.. Have you never felt it?!

The Problem

You know how everyone and everything changes? Well, that is indeed a very well known fact. What’s not that common though is when something changes REALLY quickly, when something unexpected happens and it takes a while just for you to snap out of the shock. I mean like when you lose someone in a matter of minutes. Or when you win the chance to move to another continent. Or when the underground attacks happen. Something which shakes the world, or just YOUR world. It wouldn’t matter which one it is actually, cause if your own world is confusing to you, you cannot understand the outside world either.

So yeah, when your own world becomes a confusing and foreign place, you go through the five stages that I think a lot of people know already, and these are:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

These of course are not 100% likely to happen, for example someone may skip the Anger part or the Bargaining, or the stages may be encountered in a different order.. The time it takes for you to overcome them does not depend on time at all actually. You can be stuck in denial for years. And this is my case. 6 months now, still in denial. They say the first step is recognizing the problem and deciding to do anything to solve it.

Thing is though, I cannot decide whether I want to change it or be stuck in it forever. The shock I experienced was way too much for me to overcome and be like ‘shit happens’. Shit like that is not supposed to happen. But anyway, looking back now I realize I would rather this hadn’t happened – at all. I would rather I hadn’t met that person at all. My mind got utterly messed up and I had no choice in the matter, I just observed how it all happened: memories fading, thoughts being modified, pictures changing and everything just falling apart really. I witnessed my brain being sorta drunk, trying to figure itself out. I have changed a lot since then – I don’t mean it like in, I talk differently or anything on the surface. Just that deep down, I feel quite broken.

I feel there’s something very wrong with my judgement, with the way I feel about other people I meet and talk to. And what really bothers me is that he has no idea what a horrible thing he did..

PS: I wish you would accept that bloody request, I wish I could talk to you. I wish I wish I wish… you weren’t such a twat.