Tiny detail bout feelings.

Darling, if you don’t mind me saying.. You’re amazing.. But I’m in love, and you’re not the one.

That scenario right there – WHO would like to hear that? No matter how understanding and open-minded one may be.. I mean, I try to be as caring and understanding as I can and try to put myself in everyone’s shoes, think how I would react if I were in their situation and try helping them, but this.. Honestly, if you care or start to like someone and you get that, no matter how kind and sorry they may be as they say it, you feel like shit anyway. There’s no nice way to put it.. You could say ‘You’re amazing and I’m sorry I don’t like you’ or you might as well say ‘You suck, go away.‘ The person will feel as rejected in both cases.

This is why I would rather avoid saying it as much as I can. Just say nothing, pretend it’s not there. Well of course this is a stupid advice as avoiding is not a solution but it these situations nothing is logical, when it comes to feeling NOTHING is. There is no logic in the way people lose their feelings, therefore there’s no logic in the way they gain them. It’s all chaotic, on a whim and with no sense of rationality. You cannot think AND feel, it’s either one or the other.. So how could you try to explain logically a feeling? How on earth could you rationalise AND MORE! Excuse yourself for what you feel.. That’s the stupidest thing ever..

Sorry for feeling attracted to someone else, or sorry I don’t wanna see you right now, so many situations in which people have nothing to be sorry about. It’s only natural to feel these things and denying them is like denying who you are, denying you exist. If I were to make a list of things of my own, it would take me a while.

Sorry, S., cause I fell madly and uncontrollably in love with someone else.

Sorry there were so many times I walked out on you and refused talking cause I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Sorry to the guys I had to say no to, cause I didn’t want any shallow connections at the time. 

Sorry J. for loving you like the fool I was and not realizing when it was over, when it was too late, when you were already gone, when I went too far, when I didn’t get the message.

See? The list could go on a lot but those were the recent things I have to excuse myself about.. but I won’t, not ever, not to those persons I mentioned above. Cause it’s useless. So yeah.. avoid trying to explain feelings cause you’ll never be able to, or if you do, it will all be a stupid pathetic cliche that will only make that person feel pretty much like a cliche as well.

And just one more thing, NEVER feel sorry about what you feel. Regret anything else, but not that.. that’s a complete different thing.

Kamikaze

How hard is it actually, for the psychologist to become the patient? How long, and how hard, and how much does it take? What if one falls in love with their patient, suppose that patient is all they could ever wish for, suppose it’s a great patient. Maybe he isn’t even sick, say he’s there for other reasons. What if he never gets well though? What if he disappears and she cannot accept that she couldn’t cure him, that she wasn’t all he needed. That she needed him but he needed something else.

What if, at that point when the patient goes away, she herself becomes him. What if she loses her bloody mind. 

 

I get the feeling more and more that this is how I will be for the rest of my life. This is how I’ve always been.. I see no reason why things would be different in the future. The official definition for Kamikaze is someone who is willing to lose their life to commit a terrorist attack in the name of a strong belief, such as religion. I have a definition of my own though.. and that is, someone who is willing to risk their safety or sanity to get involved in something inappropriate, useless, dangerous or prone to produce great emotional pain, for ABSOLUTELY no decent reason.

That’s how I am. Ever since I’ve known myself, I’ve always got into the stupidest and complicated situations and always had to squeeze my brains out to find a solution, or to get better. It’s like.. tell me something that sounds impossible and it will attract me so much that I will do my best to be part of it. I’ve never planned it to be like that, I just get too emotionally involved or care too much about people.. I can’t just abandon someone I care about. I thought about that so many times, but as time went by it got harder and harder to just walk out of it, leave him. Pretend I’ve never met him, never loved him. He did it though, so now I wish I had had the strength.. Anyway, I guess lots of people do that.

It just HAS to get complicated, doesn’t it? Some people just aren’t happy if things are too okay and easy to deal with. They need complications, adventure, taking risks, and they will find any excuses possible to have that. ‘My relationship at the moment is boring.’ ‘He doesn’t understand me.’ ‘I need a change.’ ‘I’ve always wanted to live there actually!’ ‘It can’t be that bad!’ … These are just regular excuses, not to mention sayings such as ‘If it feels good, it can’t be that bad.‘ or ‘I’d rather regret something I’ve done than something I haven’t.’ 

All these sayings and ideas have just encouraged me for so many years to do the most foolish things one could, because I’m impulsive and because I don’t realize what the implications are. I always realize when it’s already too late, this is why I believe I’m a ‘kamikaze’. Is someone too far? too fucked-up-in-the-brain? impossible to be with? Cool, then why shouldn’t I madly fall in love with them, spend a couple of years loving them, then another couple of years regretting I ever did? Cool indeed, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

Is someone an outsider? a social-reject? Someone with a major flaw or really not good to be around? Great, I’ll make them my friend and care about them way more than I should, then when it gets hard and I always have to be there for them, I’ll just spend time wondering why I got myself into it.

No problem, really. I enjoy doing this.. Sometimes I wonder how no one noticed how massively messed up I am and tried helping ME. That’s maybe because I’m too busy helping others and the only time I have for myself is late at night when I’m trying to sleep and can’t cause of the nightmares and panic attacks. Whenever I feel like that, I tell myself it’s only my fault, I’m the only one to blame for everything that’s happening to me.. J., S., and all the other friends that I love, friends with problems.. I’m really glad to be loving you guys, I’m glad to be helping you whenever I can.. but.. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do this, for I’m going mad myself. And honestly, I don’t think YOU care enough to listen to MY problems. So.. yeah.. kamikaze much?