Vicious Circle

“Getting angry releases an enzyme… tryptophan hydroxylase… which can temporarily reduce the I.Q”

Well, I hope I don’t make you stupid

When I make you angry.

Cause you don’t realise

That I am only angry

When you’re temporarily stupid.

(a)Void in the middle

I read and read posts from the last two-three years and despite all the confusion, nostalgia, forgetfulness, amusement and emotional distress I’ve felt while doing so, I can only think of ONE thing and one thing only. And that is: what happened in between? Where exactly is the gap between me being a 17 year old child, knowing lots of people, feeling lots of things, and having many dreams and me now? Where is it, how did it happen and why wasn’t I there to stop it? In this case I don’t know whether the I I’m referring to would be the younger or older version but I sure know that reading this, I didn’t really identify with it anymore. However, reading this I don’t know who I am now either.

I thought I got it. I thought I was this adult, soon to be graduate, looking for a basic job and uptown rents to save some money, go traveling and then start life. I seem to have forgotten that before all this, I already felt like I had a life. I already did. Writing a blog post I felt more than I have since this year started, and I know this because it’s still painful to read. Now, after four years. And even now, the things I always feel strongest about are the ones from the past – those ones – the same ones. The same bloody things. Who am I now then?

Feeling very old is surely not something that happens to many 21 year-olds. I’m not sure whether change is something that happens a lot and I just can’t cope with it, or whether I actually had more change than an average person. What’s an average person anyway? I lived quite a few changes. I’ve had 8 pets. I’ve moved schools 4 times. I’ve moved home 10 times. I should know how to do this by now, damn it I’m old enough. However, I think I’m very, very scared. Truth is, I don’t know where I should go from now. I’ve never been on a smooth path and there are no clues out there of what I should do. Only thing I can find is some job sites and advertisements washing all of our brains in a big fucking career washing machine. I don’t know. I miss home, and I miss many people that have just disappeared in the void between childhood and me writing this, along with many important things. Maybe all of the important things actually.

Maybe tomorrow I wake up like no revelation happened – my 8.30 shift will wash it all away and a concert followed by some pints will bring everything back to normal. We’re adults. It’s cool, that’s what we do. We don’t think too much, and under no circumstance do we go back to old memories. What’s the point anyway? Maybe instead of writing this, I should’ve written my dissertation. Maybe that will bring me one step closer to adulthood and one further from the truth.

And truth is, something feels wrong.

*I first heard this song when I was 10, and our music teacher wrote all lyrics on the blackboard and explained to us what it was about. One of the first revelations*

On leaving

I just remembered you’re leaving tomorrow and I know it’s just a few days, but that also made me remember this line I heard in a film ages ago, a girl saying ‘I’m sick of people leaving.’ I remember I too said this to someone ages ago and they actually believed me which I found rather amusing cause it wasn’t true and they knew me better. I’m not sick of anyone leaving cause I haven’t really experienced loads of people leaving. That was usually my thing to do, and I’m afraid it still is. To be fair it does get quite exhausting, I think there might be some sort of threshold to changes and when you’ve had too many you just wanna freeze yourself and everything and stop. I think that’s what I have now, but I wish I could freeze last year, which is even more utopic.

Honestly. I opened my window and it started raining. This is the view I have and it never gets more interesting than this.

Growing up.

Alright, so there’s the past, on the left. The present, in the middle. And the future, on the right. Two directions where you could go but you can’t actually cause you’re stuck in the present, whether you want it or not. Everything on the left has ceased to exist, nothing on the right has ever existed yet.

Then there’s this infinite loop, this wormhole, this something-that-scientists-cannot-explain, starting from X which is NOW, and going back to something that stopped existing a long time ago. This ‘I-don’t-know-why-I-did-it’, this ‘I-want-to-feel-your-skin’, this ‘Where-the-fuck-is-everything-I-knew’, and I am stuck there.. now. And have been for quite a while and even more since I talked to you the other day. If I were religious, I would say it was God’s help. If I believed in miracles, that would be one, and if I were completely honest, I would’ve thanked you, and thanked you, and thanked you.

Sitting here on a chair that’s miles away from you, I realised both how amazing you were and how we could’ve never been together..happily. I still can’t believe how with every word you said you made me feel better and I kept crying and literally felt the pain like some sorta energy leaving my body. The things you said made me see everything differently and although I am happy with myself and all, I am utterly miserable that you, my dear.. you are unreachable. I made you unreachable.

You could’ve been a room away and I made you unreachable. And the fool in me is disappointed, but I guess I was not-fool enough to choose you in the beginning. And there was the beginning, and there was the end, and nothing will compare to that cause there’s no time and I’ve learnt too much and saw too many things to go back to how I was 4 years ago.

I don’t know if I miss you, or just my teen years and that summer three years ago with you in the park wearing that green shirt. You know that I love you. What you don’t know though, is that.. I STILL love you..

 

 

THE midnight thought

“Oh just remember the telephones, well they’re working in both ways
but if I never ever hear them ring,
If nothing else I’ll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that’s okay,
Cause I’ll remember everything you sang.”

I know that like an unspoken rule, we’re not supposed to talk every so often, not supposed to say a lot of things about our lives now or bring back a lot of memories. Basically not supposed to do or say anything we want to, cause we both know how that would backfire.
I should be happy with 5 lines from time to time, and you shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t think of you, and you shouldn’t be sad cause it’s just 5 lines from time to time. But we both know this connection of ours goes beyond the time we spent apart , the distance that separates us now and all those words that should’ve never been said. And yes, the telephone stopped ringing a long time ago (like in that song you sent me), and yes, we might as well be strangers. But thing is we’re not, and I still think of you at least 3 times a day, every day.

I like talking to you cause you are my past, and my past is who I am.

I like you cause you understand everything I tell you and everything I don’t, and all the rubbish I talk. And you know where that comes from, cause you know me like I know the taste of cold milk in the evenings and you were beside me to see it all go down and rise again, and again, every fucking time.

There are evenings when I just stare at your offline name like a psychic, hoping that clenching my fists and listening to an acoustic song would make that name pop-up in the corner of my screen and make you say hello, like it happens in the movies, or cartoons, or any other fake and shallow media production. But you were never fake and shallow and you never go online when I’m dying to tell you something about my course, or meditation, or just see your semi-dark room and hear the dog barking. And that’s how it happens, I wait, then I feel sorry, then I wish I were there with you tonight. Then I just go to sleep cause it’s useless, and I wish you bloody knew that the last image I see before failing to stop the eyelids from falling at night is you.

That being said, I’m going to bed. I’m okay, you know. You kinda taught me how to be ok, apart from making the best omlette in the world. So I have OK and I have Omlette. I will survive. I just..

I’m not supposed to say.

The constant longing

I don’t know the real from what I thought I saw

I can’t remember where I went,

Where I was.

I’m gonna move toward a point in time

Where where you are is a state of mind,

And anytime I can read your thoughts

Some of them yours and some I thought up.

There’s no good reason for a heartbreak,

Nothing’s repeating every Monday.

It’s no good saying you’ll always be mine.

These jokes life’s playing, they make me so tired.

It’s already too much to always see you off

The sense that hours go back is enough

I like to fade when I write this line

There’s every reason to paint a decline

And every mile I walk is five.

I’ll get where I’m going in the next life,

And all the while there’s a false face,

This every killing is left untraced

This kind of falling saved my son

This constant longing for what’s gone…

Heavy

I haven’t felt like I did today in months. It’s been a horrible day and I remembered all sorta things that got me in the condition I am now. I’ve been somewhere, then got home, then went somewhere else, then got home, then went somewhere ELSE. DAMN, it is exhausting. Tomorrow I’m going away again and I had to pack and everything and everyone around me has done nothing but bring me down all day long.

I had to put up with dad’s stupid comments, mum’s yelling as always. She even yells when she’s helping me, sheesh. At some point I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, my head was about to explode and I went to take a shower but that didn’t go well either cause I couldn’t breathe for a few seconds and I well panicked and had to bite my knee to recover. I know it sounds weird, but it was an instinct which turned out to be the best solution at the time. Then all of a sudden I felt I missed S a lot, not like in being with him or loving him, just.. I missed him as a friend. He is the best listener I’ve seen. really.

I wished I could just ring him up and tell him how I felt about going away this autumn and about mum and dad and that I’m just tired.. I wished I could tell him that and he’d just shut up for minutes the way he always did then say something clever that made me feel better. Boy, did he know how to make me feel better. He bloody knows me better than I do. For the first time in four years, I missed him as a friend. I wanted him to tell me something, hear his voice and know he’s there. Just hear something ridiculous, like ‘how does that make you feel?’ or ‘it has to do with your childhood’ would’ve been enough. ANYTHING would’ve been enough.

I still feel I wanna talk to him but I know it’s pointless and he won’t give me that side of him anyway. He would be rude and mean cause .. well.. I know him quite well myself. His birthday is coming though and I WILL ring him up then. Just wish him happy birthday and the stupid cliches.. I’ll just hide the fact that he means more to me than most of the people I’ve ever met. Anyway. Don’t wanna make this sound pathetic. I’m tired and I just wanted to write this down I could tell no one about it and I feel bad about myself for so many reasons. I’ve let myself down, that’s … about … it.

And for me, that’s very, but VERY hard to live with.

Keep on walking

You know, there’s a point after every relationship when it all sorta comes back to haunt you, and the weird thing isn’t that it does, but that it comes back later than you’d expect. What bothers me is that it comes uninvited, and lingers on until you finally gather all the resources to kick it out of your head.

It happened to me the other day, I remembered a pair of slippers that I left at his house and I wondered what had happened to them, then I remembered everything. That made me wonder where all those things had gone before that moment, as I tried as much as I could to throw them in the backest of my memory. I can’t say it was a pleasant feeling but I didn’t feel overwhelmed with sadness either. I would imagine most people would be devastated when that moment comes and they realize nothing will ever be like that again, ever. It’s well hard to bring closure to something so important, that’s true, but to be honest it was rather a mixture of ‘I shouldn’t be doing this‘ and ‘it sets me free‘. Like when you scratch and you know you shouldn’t but it feels good.

It took me about an hour to reminisce all the important stuff, I’m sure it would’ve taken days if I tried to bring back everything, but I think what I did was enough.. thing is, I had a feeling after all this happened which I never had before. I didn’t miss him. I didn’t want to get back together or see him or hear him, not even hear him laugh. Actually, I realized how inappropriate the relationship was, how different we were and how I should’ve never settled for that, now that I’ve seen the reverse of the medal. Then I was glad I had the strength to end it, and I must admit I’m well proud of myself for that.

You know, I’ve got a friend who’s in a relationship for almost two years now and the whole thing is miserable. She constantly feels awful and treats him badly, he can’t find any motivation and acts like a twat most of the times. The classic destructive relationship that leaves you wrecked up when you get out of it. The reason why I mention this is because my friend always encouraged me to do the best for me, be selfish and take risks. She encouraged my decision to walk out of the broken relationship I had, although that made me suffer a great deal when it happened, but we both agreed it was for the best. She’s seen my lowest low and my highest high so far, and I’m guessing it’s quite obvious that the High is worth the Low I’ve been through… She said she was proud of me for making that decision not a second later than I should’ve. I did it when I felt I had to walk out, and I never looked back, no matter how hard it’s been for me.

I wish I could say the same about her. I wish everyone had the strength to do this, no matter their ages, financial status and so on. If something isn’t what you want it to be anymore and it’s not up to you to change it, WALK OUT. Honestly. Just leave it.. a life is not worth all this damage for nothing. And this is just one of the revelations I had after remembering a (hi)story of three years. It has actually been a constructive experience after all..

Certitude

There’s only so many questions that I keep asking myself all the time, and I never seem to find answers .. One of the most important ones is.. You know when someone appreciates you, or likes you, or hell, LOVES you, and they tell you that, I’m always like ‘Why? Why me? Why am I so special?’ .. Cause I’ve talked to a lot of great people, and I was so surprised to see many of them were way better than me on so many levels.

What I mean is, anything I can do, someone else can do it better. And yeah, I know that’s normal but thing is I’ve seen these people.. met them and I don’t understand why I am loved and some of them aren’t. It seems unfair. I have a very good friend who is way more involved in relationships than I am and she cares a lot more about people than I do and somehow she’s completely alone, and she’s been wanting to find someone for more than three years. I honestly don’t understand how this is possible, and sometimes I feel guilty for being so happy and having more than a few amazing persons in my life.

There are songs and books and movies that are so inspirational that you would think it takes a lot for someone to fully understand them but apparently a lot of people love them anyway, people you wouldn’t even expect to pay attention to them, and that makes me wonder.. Am I really not that smart, or are they as smart as I am? Cause I used to think of myself as an above-average person, without modesty, and seeing how a lot of people actually have the same likes and interests as I do leads me to believe I’m really not that special at all. So yeah, why me.. how is it that I find great people and bond easily with them and never lack friends? It’s weird.

I am at least grateful and happy at the same time that everyone I’ve loved loved me back so far, and I’ve never been rejected by someone cause they weren’t into me, which is a good thing ( I guess? ). I’m happy that they somehow didn’t choose anyone else although they could’ve.. That gives me quite a lot of confidence to be honest, and renders the feeling that I DO have something interesting, but I swear I can never put the finger on it…

Oh, and to the person I’m with now.. I do wish everything this song below says. I know some of these things have already happened, but I wish all of them had. I really do. And thank you for all the ways in which you’ve helped me, although you are unaware of them at the moment..

The High

This is for the ‘Someone else’ who managed to give me back in 5 days what ‘Someone’ had been taking from me for three years. It is amazing, I just wanted you to know. I’d never even thought about the possibility of finding a person who’s literally a male version of me and boy, does that feel good. So good that I wonder how I could settle for anything else in the past. You lifted my standards way up high now and I have a good feeling about the whole thing, something which hadn’t happened before by the way.

For once in my life, I feel I’m doing the very right thing, hundred percent, perfectly. It’s all there. It’s .. awesome. Thank you for starting that conversation, it’s funny how so many things can happen all at once to create such a perfect context. And that’s why I’m saying, sometimes life can be just amazing.