I read and read posts from the last two-three years and despite all the confusion, nostalgia, forgetfulness, amusement and emotional distress I’ve felt while doing so, I can only think of ONE thing and one thing only. And that is: what happened in between? Where exactly is the gap between me being a 17 year old child, knowing lots of people, feeling lots of things, and having many dreams and me now? Where is it, how did it happen and why wasn’t I there to stop it? In this case I don’t know whether the I I’m referring to would be the younger or older version but I sure know that reading this, I didn’t really identify with it anymore. However, reading this I don’t know who I am now either.
I thought I got it. I thought I was this adult, soon to be graduate, looking for a basic job and uptown rents to save some money, go traveling and then start life. I seem to have forgotten that before all this, I already felt like I had a life. I already did. Writing a blog post I felt more than I have since this year started, and I know this because it’s still painful to read. Now, after four years. And even now, the things I always feel strongest about are the ones from the past – those ones – the same ones. The same bloody things. Who am I now then?
Feeling very old is surely not something that happens to many 21 year-olds. I’m not sure whether change is something that happens a lot and I just can’t cope with it, or whether I actually had more change than an average person. What’s an average person anyway? I lived quite a few changes. I’ve had 8 pets. I’ve moved schools 4 times. I’ve moved home 10 times. I should know how to do this by now, damn it I’m old enough. However, I think I’m very, very scared. Truth is, I don’t know where I should go from now. I’ve never been on a smooth path and there are no clues out there of what I should do. Only thing I can find is some job sites and advertisements washing all of our brains in a big fucking career washing machine. I don’t know. I miss home, and I miss many people that have just disappeared in the void between childhood and me writing this, along with many important things. Maybe all of the important things actually.
Maybe tomorrow I wake up like no revelation happened – my 8.30 shift will wash it all away and a concert followed by some pints will bring everything back to normal. We’re adults. It’s cool, that’s what we do. We don’t think too much, and under no circumstance do we go back to old memories. What’s the point anyway? Maybe instead of writing this, I should’ve written my dissertation. Maybe that will bring me one step closer to adulthood and one further from the truth.
And truth is, something feels wrong.
*I first heard this song when I was 10, and our music teacher wrote all lyrics on the blackboard and explained to us what it was about. One of the first revelations*