Growing up.

Alright, so there’s the past, on the left. The present, in the middle. And the future, on the right. Two directions where you could go but you can’t actually cause you’re stuck in the present, whether you want it or not. Everything on the left has ceased to exist, nothing on the right has ever existed yet.

Then there’s this infinite loop, this wormhole, this something-that-scientists-cannot-explain, starting from X which is NOW, and going back to something that stopped existing a long time ago. This ‘I-don’t-know-why-I-did-it’, this ‘I-want-to-feel-your-skin’, this ‘Where-the-fuck-is-everything-I-knew’, and I am stuck there.. now. And have been for quite a while and even more since I talked to you the other day. If I were religious, I would say it was God’s help. If I believed in miracles, that would be one, and if I were completely honest, I would’ve thanked you, and thanked you, and thanked you.

Sitting here on a chair that’s miles away from you, I realised both how amazing you were and how we could’ve never been together..happily. I still can’t believe how with every word you said you made me feel better and I kept crying and literally felt the pain like some sorta energy leaving my body. The things you said made me see everything differently and although I am happy with myself and all, I am utterly miserable that you, my dear.. you are unreachable. I made you unreachable.

You could’ve been a room away and I made you unreachable. And the fool in me is disappointed, but I guess I was not-fool enough to choose you in the beginning. And there was the beginning, and there was the end, and nothing will compare to that cause there’s no time and I’ve learnt too much and saw too many things to go back to how I was 4 years ago.

I don’t know if I miss you, or just my teen years and that summer three years ago with you in the park wearing that green shirt. You know that I love you. What you don’t know though, is that.. I STILL love you..

 

 

THE midnight thought

“Oh just remember the telephones, well they’re working in both ways
but if I never ever hear them ring,
If nothing else I’ll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that’s okay,
Cause I’ll remember everything you sang.”

I know that like an unspoken rule, we’re not supposed to talk every so often, not supposed to say a lot of things about our lives now or bring back a lot of memories. Basically not supposed to do or say anything we want to, cause we both know how that would backfire.
I should be happy with 5 lines from time to time, and you shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t think of you, and you shouldn’t be sad cause it’s just 5 lines from time to time. But we both know this connection of ours goes beyond the time we spent apart , the distance that separates us now and all those words that should’ve never been said. And yes, the telephone stopped ringing a long time ago (like in that song you sent me), and yes, we might as well be strangers. But thing is we’re not, and I still think of you at least 3 times a day, every day.

I like talking to you cause you are my past, and my past is who I am.

I like you cause you understand everything I tell you and everything I don’t, and all the rubbish I talk. And you know where that comes from, cause you know me like I know the taste of cold milk in the evenings and you were beside me to see it all go down and rise again, and again, every fucking time.

There are evenings when I just stare at your offline name like a psychic, hoping that clenching my fists and listening to an acoustic song would make that name pop-up in the corner of my screen and make you say hello, like it happens in the movies, or cartoons, or any other fake and shallow media production. But you were never fake and shallow and you never go online when I’m dying to tell you something about my course, or meditation, or just see your semi-dark room and hear the dog barking. And that’s how it happens, I wait, then I feel sorry, then I wish I were there with you tonight. Then I just go to sleep cause it’s useless, and I wish you bloody knew that the last image I see before failing to stop the eyelids from falling at night is you.

That being said, I’m going to bed. I’m okay, you know. You kinda taught me how to be ok, apart from making the best omlette in the world. So I have OK and I have Omlette. I will survive. I just..

I’m not supposed to say.

This is bad

As I said, I’m sorry this blog turned into a venting place, I had had something else in mind for it, but I’m just too emotionally broken. Yesterday something happened.. I remember there was this group on Facebook saying ‘I wish music played during epic moments of my life, not just in movies’, well yeah, that’s exactly what happened to me yesterday but in a bad way. I somehow managed to find his pictures. His pictures.. and I looked at them as the song I posted above was playing on the background. I had no intention to do that, and it only hurt more listening to the line  ‘How can you say that your truth is better than ours?’ whilst seeing, well, him .

It was just.. .too much, to say the least. Too much, too much. By the way, this is the guy I fell madly in love with, apparently.

Kamikaze

How hard is it actually, for the psychologist to become the patient? How long, and how hard, and how much does it take? What if one falls in love with their patient, suppose that patient is all they could ever wish for, suppose it’s a great patient. Maybe he isn’t even sick, say he’s there for other reasons. What if he never gets well though? What if he disappears and she cannot accept that she couldn’t cure him, that she wasn’t all he needed. That she needed him but he needed something else.

What if, at that point when the patient goes away, she herself becomes him. What if she loses her bloody mind. 

 

I get the feeling more and more that this is how I will be for the rest of my life. This is how I’ve always been.. I see no reason why things would be different in the future. The official definition for Kamikaze is someone who is willing to lose their life to commit a terrorist attack in the name of a strong belief, such as religion. I have a definition of my own though.. and that is, someone who is willing to risk their safety or sanity to get involved in something inappropriate, useless, dangerous or prone to produce great emotional pain, for ABSOLUTELY no decent reason.

That’s how I am. Ever since I’ve known myself, I’ve always got into the stupidest and complicated situations and always had to squeeze my brains out to find a solution, or to get better. It’s like.. tell me something that sounds impossible and it will attract me so much that I will do my best to be part of it. I’ve never planned it to be like that, I just get too emotionally involved or care too much about people.. I can’t just abandon someone I care about. I thought about that so many times, but as time went by it got harder and harder to just walk out of it, leave him. Pretend I’ve never met him, never loved him. He did it though, so now I wish I had had the strength.. Anyway, I guess lots of people do that.

It just HAS to get complicated, doesn’t it? Some people just aren’t happy if things are too okay and easy to deal with. They need complications, adventure, taking risks, and they will find any excuses possible to have that. ‘My relationship at the moment is boring.’ ‘He doesn’t understand me.’ ‘I need a change.’ ‘I’ve always wanted to live there actually!’ ‘It can’t be that bad!’ … These are just regular excuses, not to mention sayings such as ‘If it feels good, it can’t be that bad.‘ or ‘I’d rather regret something I’ve done than something I haven’t.’ 

All these sayings and ideas have just encouraged me for so many years to do the most foolish things one could, because I’m impulsive and because I don’t realize what the implications are. I always realize when it’s already too late, this is why I believe I’m a ‘kamikaze’. Is someone too far? too fucked-up-in-the-brain? impossible to be with? Cool, then why shouldn’t I madly fall in love with them, spend a couple of years loving them, then another couple of years regretting I ever did? Cool indeed, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

Is someone an outsider? a social-reject? Someone with a major flaw or really not good to be around? Great, I’ll make them my friend and care about them way more than I should, then when it gets hard and I always have to be there for them, I’ll just spend time wondering why I got myself into it.

No problem, really. I enjoy doing this.. Sometimes I wonder how no one noticed how massively messed up I am and tried helping ME. That’s maybe because I’m too busy helping others and the only time I have for myself is late at night when I’m trying to sleep and can’t cause of the nightmares and panic attacks. Whenever I feel like that, I tell myself it’s only my fault, I’m the only one to blame for everything that’s happening to me.. J., S., and all the other friends that I love, friends with problems.. I’m really glad to be loving you guys, I’m glad to be helping you whenever I can.. but.. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do this, for I’m going mad myself. And honestly, I don’t think YOU care enough to listen to MY problems. So.. yeah.. kamikaze much?

Radiography of love

Two years tomorrow. Two years since I first talked to you, and half a year since I’ve missed you like crazy every day of my life. I read some of our conversations, I would read them all but they’re thousands.. This is how it all started. This is to remind me why I loved you so much.

19th of August, 2009.

Alecs: you have to enjoy it and have fun, cause it`s really beautiful there

Jasper: yeah il have fun

Jasper: but i just wish i could talk to you dude!

Alecs: why?! i mean you`ll have fun, that`s what matters:P

Alecs: be happy about it

Jasper: hahah nah you dont understand :P

Alecs: make me

Jasper: i can’t

Alecs: haha why?

Jasper: coz i dont like it when i dont talk to you!

Alecs: uhm, neither do i!

Alecs: but you`ll feel okay and you`ll forget

Alecs: i mean you won`t forget me

Alecs: just forget you were feeling sad

Alecs: which is a good thing, cause we don`t want you sad, don`t we?! :P silly

Jasper: you’ll forget too then! :P

Alecs: no i won`t, cause i won`t be there having fun

Alecs: i`ll be looking at your fucking OFFLINE NAME on MSN

Jasper: you’ll be in greece! :P

Alecs: i won`t have fun in greece dude, i`m going with them!

Alecs: like it will be nice, relaxing but not.. FUN

*

21st of August, 2009

Alecs: what did you want to tell me?

Jasper: um, no

Alecs: tell me!

Jasper: i cant!

Alecs: you said you can tell me anything!

Jasper: i know :P

Alecs: and we won`t be talking in ages

Alecs: and i want to know what`s going on with you

Jasper: ah dude im so stupid

Alecs: STOP SAYING YOU ARE

Jasper: like this summer i got really close to you, and i know i shouldnt have because … i   duno i always love things that i ‘cant have’ you know? and it sucks and i just know that stuffs guna get so hard when i  go back to school because it always does

Jasper: you just mean so much to me dude, like way too much if you ask me, and thats just talking like this, i havent even met you and i care that much for you and i dont understand and in a way i wish i didnt

Alecs: ….

Alecs: uhm, like, thanks for saying this, you made it easier for me too, haha

Jasper: haha im ridiculous

Jasper: dont tell me im not

Alecs: do you remember when i told you that if i`ll ever get too close to you, i`ll have to delete you for ever? haha

Alecs: uhm of course i was kidding then, but it kind of happened, and i know it`s stupid, i  don`t even want to admit it, cause it`s absurd

Alecs: and like i always make it harder for me you know?

Alecs: i somehow manage to complicate things everytime and i make myself suffer

Alecs: and this is really stupid, honestly

Alecs: i wish it wasn`t like that either

Alecs: and telling you this, feels even more stupid

Alecs: but i don`t want to go, and i don`t want you to go

Jasper: me either

Jasper: but it is stupid, i hate it, i just wish we lived close and could be like normal friends

Looking back and reading these now I realize how much has changed, how much it’s been. I don’t recognize myself in those lines, but I surely recognize him. That’s exactly how I remembered him. So weird to think it was only two years ago, I was just a kid. I wish I could have that summer back, if only for a few days.. that would be.. ‘fun-toss-teak’.

StumbleUpon Past

There’s an amazing add-on called StumbleUpon that you install on your browser and each time you press its button it takes you to mostly incredible sites that you would never find, related to the interests you set for yourself. I use it when I’m bored sometimes and today it kept me busy for 2 hours. Unfortunately, I have just stopped stumbling as it took me to this random quote website, and reading those quotes that I know many may think are useless and shallow and childish, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I hadn’t cried in a long time.

Basically, I was just reading them without thinking about anything and my eyes got wet all of a sudden and then it all went to hell. I sorta feel alright now though. I feel human-ish. Emotions are something completely normal and although they say it’s psychologically proven that all emotion pain lasts for 12 minutes while the rest is self-inflicted.. Mine lasted a bit longer. I’m a drama queen, what can I say. Anyway, here are some quotes:

Alright, some may say they’re too sloppy but.. honestly.. Have you never felt it?!

What I’m up to these days

Sometimes I wonder how much it takes for someone to crack up. Eckhart Tolle, a man who has been a great inspiration to me, got to be the wonderful, blissful person he is now specifically cause of suffering too much. After having a horrible life as a teenager, he said the change came in one day. That’s all it took.. Cause he felt he had had enough. He just couldn’t take it anymore, so he made it different once and for all. He believes people will suffer until the pain is literally too much to take, in which case they either end their life or change it completely.

My question is, when do people have enough? Well, of course it’s not a general answer to that but.. what does it take? Illness, problems or.. memories? In my opinion, memories could do it easily, especially cause if your mind is messed up it affects your body as well and you end up being sick. The reason I’m curious about that is that my mental health is going to hell more and more each day, cause of memories and stress. I guess that’s what happens when you let your past take over your life.

I am trying to convince myself that I don’t need counseling, that it will just go away, but I’m not so sure about it now. Instead of getting better I end up bothering nice people with it and RANTING? Honestly, I’m not this person, I hate complaining and telling ‘stories’ about myself, but yesterday was just too much, and I hate how the other people involved in this reacted. I saw no point in taking revenge on him, although I can honestly say I was the most affected by the whole thing.

This is like the biggest paradox I had to face : I call myself a future psychologist and I was not able to accept the idea of someone suffering from a severe mental disorder. Some would see it like a warning, maybe this job will affect me more in the future, but I want to do it anyway. In a weird, sick way, I feel I owe this to him. There were times when I could’ve acted differently but I didn’t and in fact I may have influenced his illness a lot more than I’m aware of, and I pity him.

I would have appreciated if it hadn’t fucked with my brain so much though. That’s the only thing I regret.. The panic attacks, paranoia and the incredibly weird dreams. Oh, and being such a mess that I make people around me sad.. And disappoint them. Way to go, Alex. Way to screw things up again and again and again and congratulations for trusting your amazingly accurate female intuition that almost got you in a mental hospital as well. Preferably other than the Bethlem Royal Hospital though, I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life doing what I did in the past two years.

Let.It.Out

I was thinking today that it’s been a ridiculously long time since I last cried. I know it sounds rather pathetic, but what I mean is, it’s been a long time since I got all these memories and fears and stress out. I’m afraid that if I keep it going like I’ll end up having a nervous breakdown at some point, as I never seem to open up enough.

Stephen said that if I can’t cry it’s probably because I don’t need to, but I do actually. I need that a lot, as I’m shit at these yoga, zen things. I just wanna cry everything out but I can’t. Sometimes I may shed a couple of tears of anger but that rarely happens anyway, and it’s not considered crying.

I’m talking about the real mess, the one when you need to be alone with lots of tissues and good music. Maybe some photos too. Or papers. Or virtual saved archive or whatever. Now THAT is the best cure ever. It bloody hurts but you feel such a huge relief afterward. I am one step away from turning into one of those desperate girls who actually make efforts to cry. The lowest I’ve gone so far was to just stare blankly for a few minutes thinking about everything bad/painful/shameful but I felt nothing more than a weird stitch in my chest and shaky hands.

I am under the impression something important happened and that something is what stops me from crying now. You know, like people who suffer traumas then stop speaking or lose their memory. Oh well, I can’t really say I’ve been through that, but God knows (actually not) I haven’t been myself for several days after that last time I cried. Sheesh…

A few months ago I dealt with severe nightmares, and I don’t mean the kinda nightmare when you’re running late for work. Nah. I mean horrible nightmares. Then I went through that ‘trauma’, and I stayed awake for three freaking days cause I was too afraid to go to sleep. Then everything stopped – the nightmares, the crying, everything. It’s like I’ve become numb. No matter how mad or sad I get now I can never let it out and I blame that event for it..

The last time I cried my arse off was somewhere during November of last year. It was when I realised I’d never talk to J again – when I realised he would never come back. Not then, not ever. He just disappeared like.. I don’t know, like you’d never think it can happen. I remember how I read thousands of texts and archives and letters and it hurt like hell but as hard as it is talking about it now (which I never do by the way..) I don’t feel like crying at all. It’s.. I don’t know, it’s gone. It’s all gone, ha. As funny and absurd it may sound.

So, yeah.. I haven’t cried in a while. Six months now? Damn, that’s a long time for a girl.

Not the end..

The world’s always on the move. Everywhere around the globe, people leave. They get promoted, get jobs, go to schools, their families drag them away and so on.. And they leave others who love them behind. I wish you understood that. I wish I could talk to you about how I see this whole thing and maybe you wouldn’t be so depressed then, but you refuse to let me in, and I am sick of trying.

I know I’m not the one who’s being left behind, and to be honest the line between pointing out the facts and being a twat is very fine in this situation. I don’t know if I have any right at all to talk about this so naturally. I don’t know how you feel. It just drives me crazy to see how you constantly drive this subject to the point that I feel so bloody guilty and I am literally left speechless. Yesterday you said ‘I guess that moment when we’ll be together all the time will never come, aye?‘ .. It hit me out of nowhere. Just like that. And I couldn’t utter a word cause of that guilt that suffocated me. That was all I could feel..

You take it as I am being the one who’s leaving YOU when it’s actually me going away cause I have to. Staying was never an option. I see you the way I thought I never will, cause all you taught me.. All these things that I learned from YOU and make me feel better now.. Gee, it’s like you’ve forgot everything. And the worst thing is that I can’t say anything. I can’t talk you out of it. I can’t say ‘You’re being utterly irrational and over-depressed, get better, think it through, find a solution and stop being miserable.’ cause that would make me a twat. Like, I’m the cause of it and I’m telling you to move on..?

This is the last thing I wanted to happen – you thinking I have no consideration for our relationship. Cause I fucking do, I love you. And the reason I’m not crying and counting the months till it’s gonna happen is because I don’t see it like you do. I see a future. You see the ending. I refuse to let anything get between us as long as I still have feelings for you, and I want you to come with me eventually. I wanna spend all my holidays with you and be there, with you.

If only I could tell you these things without looking into your eyes feeling like the biggest knob ever. Now everytime we see each other and I’m about to leave I’m expecting you to say something related to that, that will just add up to my already huge guilt. Our communication is practically zero when it comes to this subject and if anything, I know I’m not the one to blame for that. At least for that..