Growing up.

Alright, so there’s the past, on the left. The present, in the middle. And the future, on the right. Two directions where you could go but you can’t actually cause you’re stuck in the present, whether you want it or not. Everything on the left has ceased to exist, nothing on the right has ever existed yet.

Then there’s this infinite loop, this wormhole, this something-that-scientists-cannot-explain, starting from X which is NOW, and going back to something that stopped existing a long time ago. This ‘I-don’t-know-why-I-did-it’, this ‘I-want-to-feel-your-skin’, this ‘Where-the-fuck-is-everything-I-knew’, and I am stuck there.. now. And have been for quite a while and even more since I talked to you the other day. If I were religious, I would say it was God’s help. If I believed in miracles, that would be one, and if I were completely honest, I would’ve thanked you, and thanked you, and thanked you.

Sitting here on a chair that’s miles away from you, I realised both how amazing you were and how we could’ve never been together..happily. I still can’t believe how with every word you said you made me feel better and I kept crying and literally felt the pain like some sorta energy leaving my body. The things you said made me see everything differently and although I am happy with myself and all, I am utterly miserable that you, my dear.. you are unreachable. I made you unreachable.

You could’ve been a room away and I made you unreachable. And the fool in me is disappointed, but I guess I was not-fool enough to choose you in the beginning. And there was the beginning, and there was the end, and nothing will compare to that cause there’s no time and I’ve learnt too much and saw too many things to go back to how I was 4 years ago.

I don’t know if I miss you, or just my teen years and that summer three years ago with you in the park wearing that green shirt. You know that I love you. What you don’t know though, is that.. I STILL love you..



9 responses to “Growing up.

  • Bob

    I never thought about time this way, neither about love! So let me go further in the future and wish you all the best. According to the principle, one day you must reach all my best wishes. Exactly, in your living present; without tears; those shall be already past. And in the future … just best wishes coming and coming from someone else’s future past.

    • Alexandra

      What a nice way to put it! All I can say is thank you, and hopefully the best wishes will return to the person who’s let them go in the beginning, and make their future present a nicer place to live in. Take care!

  • camelia

    To your mother…an to you too; the most beautiful girl on this earth.
    Happy birtday!

  • Camelia

    For your tomorrow, little princess…

  • Ale Măriucă

    I’ve seen myself in like two years from now..

  • eo

    there are so goddamn many times i heard ’bout you… i feel like i shan’t say anything formal. but yet, for some adult’s reason, either i am a sonumbitch during most of my living days, i musta say it:

    … hello :)

    why would you treat tenses severally?! past, present and future are all the same, all one, all none. it’s only ourselves swimming controcorrente. yes, it is our inner desire of giving “diem” meaning and purpose to our mere and definitive, and infinite!, futility. but then, u see, u took your love with you. and somehow, as i write, it’s been almost one year since you wrote about your ecologist love (there was a green shirt :) ) … i am sure that the strong feeling faded, still, the friction sparked the past into these words above. here your love is! your love gave you further meaning without even realize it. you are somehow the same… albeit better, improved. all your loves go with you, are you. the ones we love reflect ourselves.
    strange, isn’t it?

    i salute your beauty.

    • Alé

      I’m sorry to take so much to reply. I can only thank you for these beautiful words and say you’re right – I like to believe everything the universe creates is then recreated to infinity. Nothing is ever lost, as for that love I was talking about… it just transformed (me) into something else. I am the same and better and worse, and I am sure this and every feeling in every tense instance is equally as unique and beautiful!

      I hope you have a great year ahead, and thanks again..

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