You know, there’s a point after every relationship when it all sorta comes back to haunt you, and the weird thing isn’t that it does, but that it comes back later than you’d expect. What bothers me is that it comes uninvited, and lingers on until you finally gather all the resources to kick it out of your head.
It happened to me the other day, I remembered a pair of slippers that I left at his house and I wondered what had happened to them, then I remembered everything. That made me wonder where all those things had gone before that moment, as I tried as much as I could to throw them in the backest of my memory. I can’t say it was a pleasant feeling but I didn’t feel overwhelmed with sadness either. I would imagine most people would be devastated when that moment comes and they realize nothing will ever be like that again, ever. It’s well hard to bring closure to something so important, that’s true, but to be honest it was rather a mixture of ‘I shouldn’t be doing this‘ and ‘it sets me free‘. Like when you scratch and you know you shouldn’t but it feels good.
It took me about an hour to reminisce all the important stuff, I’m sure it would’ve taken days if I tried to bring back everything, but I think what I did was enough.. thing is, I had a feeling after all this happened which I never had before. I didn’t miss him. I didn’t want to get back together or see him or hear him, not even hear him laugh. Actually, I realized how inappropriate the relationship was, how different we were and how I should’ve never settled for that, now that I’ve seen the reverse of the medal. Then I was glad I had the strength to end it, and I must admit I’m well proud of myself for that.
You know, I’ve got a friend who’s in a relationship for almost two years now and the whole thing is miserable. She constantly feels awful and treats him badly, he can’t find any motivation and acts like a twat most of the times. The classic destructive relationship that leaves you wrecked up when you get out of it. The reason why I mention this is because my friend always encouraged me to do the best for me, be selfish and take risks. She encouraged my decision to walk out of the broken relationship I had, although that made me suffer a great deal when it happened, but we both agreed it was for the best. She’s seen my lowest low and my highest high so far, and I’m guessing it’s quite obvious that the High is worth the Low I’ve been through… She said she was proud of me for making that decision not a second later than I should’ve. I did it when I felt I had to walk out, and I never looked back, no matter how hard it’s been for me.
I wish I could say the same about her. I wish everyone had the strength to do this, no matter their ages, financial status and so on. If something isn’t what you want it to be anymore and it’s not up to you to change it, WALK OUT. Honestly. Just leave it.. a life is not worth all this damage for nothing. And this is just one of the revelations I had after remembering a (hi)story of three years. It has actually been a constructive experience after all..
There’s only so many questions that I keep asking myself all the time, and I never seem to find answers .. One of the most important ones is.. You know when someone appreciates you, or likes you, or hell, LOVES you, and they tell you that, I’m always like ‘Why? Why me? Why am I so special?’ .. Cause I’ve talked to a lot of great people, and I was so surprised to see many of them were way better than me on so many levels.
What I mean is, anything I can do, someone else can do it better. And yeah, I know that’s normal but thing is I’ve seen these people.. met them and I don’t understand why I am loved and some of them aren’t. It seems unfair. I have a very good friend who is way more involved in relationships than I am and she cares a lot more about people than I do and somehow she’s completely alone, and she’s been wanting to find someone for more than three years. I honestly don’t understand how this is possible, and sometimes I feel guilty for being so happy and having more than a few amazing persons in my life.
There are songs and books and movies that are so inspirational that you would think it takes a lot for someone to fully understand them but apparently a lot of people love them anyway, people you wouldn’t even expect to pay attention to them, and that makes me wonder.. Am I really not that smart, or are they as smart as I am? Cause I used to think of myself as an above-average person, without modesty, and seeing how a lot of people actually have the same likes and interests as I do leads me to believe I’m really not that special at all. So yeah, why me.. how is it that I find great people and bond easily with them and never lack friends? It’s weird.
I am at least grateful and happy at the same time that everyone I’ve loved loved me back so far, and I’ve never been rejected by someone cause they weren’t into me, which is a good thing ( I guess? ). I’m happy that they somehow didn’t choose anyone else although they could’ve.. That gives me quite a lot of confidence to be honest, and renders the feeling that I DO have something interesting, but I swear I can never put the finger on it…
Oh, and to the person I’m with now.. I do wish everything this song below says. I know some of these things have already happened, but I wish all of them had. I really do. And thank you for all the ways in which you’ve helped me, although you are unaware of them at the moment..
This is for the ‘Someone else’ who managed to give me back in 5 days what ‘Someone’ had been taking from me for three years. It is amazing, I just wanted you to know. I’d never even thought about the possibility of finding a person who’s literally a male version of me and boy, does that feel good. So good that I wonder how I could settle for anything else in the past. You lifted my standards way up high now and I have a good feeling about the whole thing, something which hadn’t happened before by the way.
For once in my life, I feel I’m doing the very right thing, hundred percent, perfectly. It’s all there. It’s .. awesome. Thank you for starting that conversation, it’s funny how so many things can happen all at once to create such a perfect context. And that’s why I’m saying, sometimes life can be just amazing.