Don’t panic

I don’t know what’s up with this blog that I’ve somehow managed to turn it into a proper diary, and I never meant that. I kinda used to hate them, the term sounded so girlish and.. gay, and useless. Diary.. what the hell do you need a diary for.. if you want memories, look at yourself, look at the pictures and listen to the music, you don’t need a bloody diary, that’s what I used to say. I promise myself I’ll make some nice posts in the future, stead of this stupid ranting.

 

Nevertheless, I wanna spill out here everything I couldn’t say to someone quite important, so this is it. Letter for him.

 

I don’t even know what to say first, there’s only so many things I wish I had told you that night but I couldn’t find my words. I know why you got so pissed and showed up the way you did but the talk we had was utter rubbish. If we were to have a final argument, that was definitely not what I had in mind. First of all, I didn’t want it to end cause of anyone, especially cause of  J. I would never let that interfere with our relationship cause that boy did me enough harm as it was anyway. The things you said were really absurd, as a matter a fact. The only reason why I chose to break up was you, and me. The things between us, that’s all.

Secondly, I know it was my fault for keeping you in the dark about what I was going through but the only reason I chose not to tell you was because you really hated him and I wanted to avoid hours of arguments. Plus, you were my boyfriend, I couldn’t really say that, it would’ve been awful. As I said before, I sometimes agree with lying, I admit. I lied to protect you though, not myself, as I was going through hell and could’ve actually used someone to talk to. And you proved me I was right as right after I told you, the rubbish wouldn’t stop coming. I did NOT go to London to meet him. I’ve told you once, told you a thousand times. The fact that you still doubted that after everything I confessed only strengthened my belief that you stopped being the right person for me long time ago. I cannot believe you would actually think I would lie with something that big – something that literally changed my life. And what’s sad is that I gave you no reason to treat me like that. Ever.

Beyond all that’s been said (mostly by you as I stood there in shock and amaze and .. regret), I can’t say I don’t feel sorry for all that was. You were, after all, the person who’s been with me through every big event of my life, and I was the same for you. I mean, we’ve practically known each other for years. I will never try to deny that or minimize it. It’s important, it lasts, and you will be as well. I love you and I always will, just not in that way. I find it hard to even talk to you now after the awful ‘talk’ we had the other day. You coming there was a very, but VERY bad idea, I was not prepared and you were bloody hammered. Worst circumstances to discuss years of relationship.. But it was your decision, and although you were probably not fully aware of it, it was my duty to respect it. The big mistake was that you insisted having the talk about J, and what I felt for him and everything, and I had to tell you, I had nothing to lose anyway, you already hated me.

The only reason I’m writing stuff here is cause you certainly wouldn’t wanna hear it normally, and especially not after what’s happened. So.. yeah, our last talk was a disaster, and if I could change that I really would. The way you left was awful and the way you acted like a twat (which was certainly not the you I know) put me off completely. This being said, I hope you’re happy from now on and I’m not being ironic. I care for you a great deal. That’s about it.

My definition of ‘special people’

This post is gonna be a bit random kinda reflecting my thoughts. First of all, I have to say I completely reject the ‘optimistic-pessimistic’ comparison. That does not exist, but instead there are people who reason, and people who are not capable of this ‘superior’ cognitive function that our brain seems to posses (yeah, no kidding, studies have shown!)

Secondly, I know I’m not supposed to start all my sentences with ‘I hate’, ‘I can’t stand’ and so on, but really, it’s not me who’s overreacting, it is most people’s fault for being so bloody stupid! Now of course, everyone has got 2 options: they either try to accept everything in order to be relaxed and wise and blissful (I’m planning to get there in 20-30 years), or  they keep on hating and being shocked and disgusted by the rubbish surrounding them (which is what I do, considering the fact that I’m still 18, still stupid, still impulsive, still rebellious).

Therefore, considering the fact that I have decided I shall choose the hater’s way and exposed my ever-so-wise reasons, time for some more discriminating, mean posts.

Theorem. Some people can be replaced, some people can’t. 

Proof: Supposing someone you love walks out of your life, or moves away, or dies. Anyhow, they disappear, and you don’t want them to. At least at the beginning, if not for the rest of their lives, people will try to bring back their memory or compare others with them, even unconsciously. Sometimes, we can be reminded of a loved one just by seeing a stranger wearing their hair like them, or hearing they like the same sport, or that particular band. I assume everyone has that – that one person they would get back in a blink of an eye. Thing is.. I’m not sure how many people are really irreplaceable. Well of course, I don’t mean it like you could actually get an identical copy of that person, but some people are.. well, they’re bloody average, let’s be honest.

I’m talking about the things they do and say, but mostly, about the things they THINK. For example, I love, eh, quite a few people, but of all of them, there are only two that could hardly be compared to anyone else. The rest of them are great but they’re not, let’s say, amazingly special. You’re not special for liking some good movies, or great songs, or having blue eyes, or cooking for your family, or ringing your wife/boyfriend/whatever everyday, no. None of these things make you special, they just make you unique, and that’s not worth shit cause everyone is unique. Not everyone’s special though, that’s what I’m trying to say.

Special is having abilities that not many people have, that’s what makes you irreplaceable in my opinion. Not many people have a sense of humour (although many think they do, you’re either born with it or not and most aren’t), not many people can play the flute or the violin, not many people can skate like crazy, not many people can write literature, not many people can talk in 3 different languages.. Of course the examples could go on forever, what I’m trying to say is, you can replace someone who’s taking you to the movies every friday and buys you chocolate whenever you meet and likes the same music as you. That’s very simple.

The ones who are really irreplaceable are the ones who have a range of abilities you could spend a lifetime looking for in others. The ones who blow you away and don’t even try to. There are few persons in the world who can do that, in my opinion. I’m not one of them, that’s for sure, and that’s why I’m glad to have met a couple.

Oh, and as an advice .. Try to ponder a bit over the qualities and flaws someone has before you lose precious time of your life feeling sorry they’re gone. Just saying, they may not be that ‘special’.

Some more ranting

I’ve had some health problems lately which have actually resulted in me doing something productive for my brain, something I’d wanted to do in a long time. Basically, I just isolated myself and watched about 4 documentaries and 2 movies a day. Yes, yes, that is possible. If you get outta the room only when you need to go pee or grab a snack, it is possible. And it’s gold for the brain. In this intoxicated world.. it’s like living in the mountains for a month eating nothing but harvested food.

It does have some drawbacks though. I eventually had to get out of this blissful state and get back to.. go figure, the real world. Now THAT was horrifying. I am utterly fed up with all these trivial things that surround me, it is d-i-s-g-u-s-t-i-n-g. I’m starting to believe there’s some area in my brain that records rubbish-no-one-really-needs-but-everyone-seems-to-love and I feel that area’s overloading as I speak. I just can’t take it anymore. I wanna go to another country, another continent, I’m willing to give away all the technology I have hold of in exchange of Life. Pure, raw, life indeed. I need that.

It also bothers me that people who really have no clue what my mind is about (not cause I’m incredibly smart, but cause they’re unbelievably stupid) have the nerve to think I’m arrogant or that I feel superior to them. Well.. amazingly, I do feel I’m above 80% of the population, and they should have the decency to feel inferior to smart, thinking people, but obviously they’re too ignorant to see that.  They think admitting someone’s better than them is humiliating, whoa. But anyway, my hatred for stupidity has again gone too far.

I feel saturated by the media, the ads, the songs that would make any reasonable person’s ears bleed, the cheap brainwashing methods from hypermarkets to global rubbish that actually succeed in manipulating most of us.. And you’d think locking yourself up and refusing to talk to anyone is abnormal. I might be paranoid or over-thinking stuff but if I am it’s only because I believe someone in this world has to do the thinking, even if it’s only a tenth of the 7 billions, if the rest won’t.

I know it’s not very pleasant to read someone’s rants but that’s why I made this thing – its role is to bear with everything that goes through my mind. And sadly, it’s not exactly what you’d call inspiring, although those documentaries gave a great insight of what I’m truly interested in and I feel up to date with philosophical matters now. I recommend doing this to everyone who wants an escape and can’t afford to go away on vacation. :)

Daily mess

I have had quite enough of girls these days.. I myself am a girl and I swear I don’t understand how they can be like that. I’m talking about all those idiots that feel that the more make-up they wear the prettier they get. The fewer the clothes, the more attractive they think they are. Of course it’s always easier to show your arse than to actually use your brain to look hot, but really why doesn’t ANYONE give a damn about the brains nowadays?

I’ve had enough of these retards who feel above everyone just cause they have spent an hour of their useless lives in front of the mirror to look like a fucking clown. Cause that’s what they look like. I swear if I were a guy I couldn’t even think about liking a girl like that, I mean what’s wrong with you people, you can’t even guess their natural hair colour or face. In my opinion, women should look natural, just like men do, just like everything should be for that matter. Natural.

We got so used to faking everything, from faking we give a damn, we fake relationships, work, smiles, jewelleries, wood, we fake popular stuff like iPhones and computers and famous clothing brands, and now we even fake our fucking looks.  This is so wrong, and the fact that no one cares it’s wrong is just too much.

Oh, speaking of alarming stuff we don’t give a fuck about. Global warming, recycling, animals and plants soon to be gone forever cause no one can’t be bothered, the fact that a quarter of the globe’s population is addicted to cigarette smoking or drugs or alcohol (REALLY, PEOPLE?), technology gone mad, black holes, parallel universes, running out of water, running out of oil, running out of .. NATURE.

We’re fucking running out of nature and no one gives a damn. We instead make movies about it. Lots and lots of films that people pay to go see and then feel illuminated and talk about it for about 10 minutes until they get busy struggling to eat that extra-large McDonald’s meal.

I don’t know why I bother thinking about all these things really. I’m a girl, I could find better things to do. I could just go put 2.3 tones of make-up on my face, dye my hair in 4 colours, put on a belt, make people believe it’s a skirt and get lots of guys and pictures and live a happy life.

Sometimes I wish I could do that, cause as someone 300 years ago said : ‘Ignorance is bliss.’ It really is.

I remember having this conversation with someone and he asked me ‘Would you really wanna be like them though?’ .. Uhm, let’s put it this way. If I were like them, without knowing I’m.. like them, yes. If I were to choose between being born like them (an idiot) or like I am now, I’d choose the first one. It’s way easier, and no one gives a damn anyway, right? So why not?

Might as well stop the wounds in my brain that I have now for seeing all this rubbish we somehow grow complacent with.