Alright, so there’s the past, on the left. The present, in the middle. And the future, on the right. Two directions where you could go but you can’t actually cause you’re stuck in the present, whether you want it or not. Everything on the left has ceased to exist, nothing on the right has ever existed yet.
Then there’s this infinite loop, this wormhole, this something-that-scientists-cannot-explain, starting from X which is NOW, and going back to something that stopped existing a long time ago. This ‘I-don’t-know-why-I-did-it’, this ‘I-want-to-feel-your-skin’, this ‘Where-the-fuck-is-everything-I-knew’, and I am stuck there.. now. And have been for quite a while and even more since I talked to you the other day. If I were religious, I would say it was God’s help. If I believed in miracles, that would be one, and if I were completely honest, I would’ve thanked you, and thanked you, and thanked you.
Sitting here on a chair that’s miles away from you, I realised both how amazing you were and how we could’ve never been together..happily. I still can’t believe how with every word you said you made me feel better and I kept crying and literally felt the pain like some sorta energy leaving my body. The things you said made me see everything differently and although I am happy with myself and all, I am utterly miserable that you, my dear.. you are unreachable. I made you unreachable.
You could’ve been a room away and I made you unreachable. And the fool in me is disappointed, but I guess I was not-fool enough to choose you in the beginning. And there was the beginning, and there was the end, and nothing will compare to that cause there’s no time and I’ve learnt too much and saw too many things to go back to how I was 4 years ago.
I don’t know if I miss you, or just my teen years and that summer three years ago with you in the park wearing that green shirt. You know that I love you. What you don’t know though, is that.. I STILL love you..
You know how everyone and everything changes? Well, that is indeed a very well known fact. What’s not that common though is when something changes REALLY quickly, when something unexpected happens and it takes a while just for you to snap out of the shock. I mean like when you lose someone in a matter of minutes. Or when you win the chance to move to another continent. Or when the underground attacks happen. Something which shakes the world, or just YOUR world. It wouldn’t matter which one it is actually, cause if your own world is confusing to you, you cannot understand the outside world either.
So yeah, when your own world becomes a confusing and foreign place, you go through the five stages that I think a lot of people know already, and these are:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
These of course are not 100% likely to happen, for example someone may skip the Anger part or the Bargaining, or the stages may be encountered in a different order.. The time it takes for you to overcome them does not depend on time at all actually. You can be stuck in denial for years. And this is my case. 6 months now, still in denial. They say the first step is recognizing the problem and deciding to do anything to solve it.
Thing is though, I cannot decide whether I want to change it or be stuck in it forever. The shock I experienced was way too much for me to overcome and be like ‘shit happens’. Shit like that is not supposed to happen. But anyway, looking back now I realize I would rather this hadn’t happened – at all. I would rather I hadn’t met that person at all. My mind got utterly messed up and I had no choice in the matter, I just observed how it all happened: memories fading, thoughts being modified, pictures changing and everything just falling apart really. I witnessed my brain being sorta drunk, trying to figure itself out. I have changed a lot since then – I don’t mean it like in, I talk differently or anything on the surface. Just that deep down, I feel quite broken.
I feel there’s something very wrong with my judgement, with the way I feel about other people I meet and talk to. And what really bothers me is that he has no idea what a horrible thing he did..
PS: I wish you would accept that bloody request, I wish I could talk to you. I wish I wish I wish… you weren’t such a twat.
For some unknown reason I remembered about a post, and a comment two years ago. This is the post.. I decided I should import three significant articles from August, 2009 from my old-currently-hidden blog as that was the time when everything started changing, so there it is, in the archive on the right.
PS: I know we are supposed to go forward, not backwards.. But something keeps dragging me behind and I’m not that strong.
Sometimes I wonder how much it takes for someone to crack up. Eckhart Tolle, a man who has been a great inspiration to me, got to be the wonderful, blissful person he is now specifically cause of suffering too much. After having a horrible life as a teenager, he said the change came in one day. That’s all it took.. Cause he felt he had had enough. He just couldn’t take it anymore, so he made it different once and for all. He believes people will suffer until the pain is literally too much to take, in which case they either end their life or change it completely.
My question is, when do people have enough? Well, of course it’s not a general answer to that but.. what does it take? Illness, problems or.. memories? In my opinion, memories could do it easily, especially cause if your mind is messed up it affects your body as well and you end up being sick. The reason I’m curious about that is that my mental health is going to hell more and more each day, cause of memories and stress. I guess that’s what happens when you let your past take over your life.
I am trying to convince myself that I don’t need counseling, that it will just go away, but I’m not so sure about it now. Instead of getting better I end up bothering nice people with it and RANTING? Honestly, I’m not this person, I hate complaining and telling ‘stories’ about myself, but yesterday was just too much, and I hate how the other people involved in this reacted. I saw no point in taking revenge on him, although I can honestly say I was the most affected by the whole thing.
This is like the biggest paradox I had to face : I call myself a future psychologist and I was not able to accept the idea of someone suffering from a severe mental disorder. Some would see it like a warning, maybe this job will affect me more in the future, but I want to do it anyway. In a weird, sick way, I feel I owe this to him. There were times when I could’ve acted differently but I didn’t and in fact I may have influenced his illness a lot more than I’m aware of, and I pity him.
I would have appreciated if it hadn’t fucked with my brain so much though. That’s the only thing I regret.. The panic attacks, paranoia and the incredibly weird dreams. Oh, and being such a mess that I make people around me sad.. And disappoint them. Way to go, Alex. Way to screw things up again and again and again and congratulations for trusting your amazingly accurate female intuition that almost got you in a mental hospital as well. Preferably other than the Bethlem Royal Hospital though, I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life doing what I did in the past two years.
For some unknown reasons I turned on the telly today only to see the most awful thing I’ve seen in ages. It switched on to BBC News and I saw some video about a war.. in which the USA was involved, obviously.
I’ll just say what I saw.. not what I believe, or how I feel about this whole thing as it’s irrelevant. I’ll just say that I saw a group of black, poorly dressed people yelling and burning stuff. They carried guns and behind them was a demoralizing, miserable land – all dusty, pieces of clothing everywhere, stones, food. Oh, and some fairly devastated small buildings which I believe were their houses. That was the background.
The people were yelling something, and one of them was no older than 12 years old and I put the telly on mute and just looked at them, sitting on my comfortable bed, in my cosy house, drinking some Diet Coke. Then a feeling hit me – it didn’t last more than a few seconds but it was horrible. I felt so sorry for those men as they stood there with their guns, fighting for life, I had no clue what they were saying, what was that thing they kept screaming for probably a long time, but I knew they were hurting, a lot. Looking at the screen for just one second would have been enough for anyone, and I mean anyone, to imagine what kind of pain they must have experienced.. I just wanted to find a way to talk to them, let them know I’m that horrible Big Brother watching them with my Diet Coke from my comfortable bed, and that I feel sorry for them. So sorry it hurt, so sorry I wished I understood their language and desires.
They were just images to me, just some people somewhere far far away, having problems. Some people dying.. eventually. I remember a character’s words from a book: he said geography, history, whatever happens on the planet right now, is not OUR reality. We know about it but we cannot experience it so the 7 billion people on Earth are actually just numbers – one could never meet them all so they’re not real. Well it’s funny cause I subscribed to that idea, but when I saw those images the people in them were as real as that cold can of Diet Coke I was holding. It was like a movie, but in real -time. You know how movies affect us more when they’re based on true stories? Well imagine a true story made as a film. Cause they were being filmed and all..
I wanted nothing but to talk to them. If I’d had a chance, this is what I would’ve said :
‘I am no more of a human than you are and you should not go through this. Please drop your guns cause they won’t help you. You can do fuck all to stop the Americans or anyone actually, your people is a poor and sick one, and you will eventually die.. You could not possibly understand why this will happen, although there IS an explanation, a very absurd one indeed. I know it’s not fair and I’m ashamed of people like me who don’t give a shit, and I’m ashamed of those who planned it all. I know that you will die sooner or later. You and other hundreds of thousands, but that doesn’t matter. Your life is the most important .. for you. Just how everyone’s life is. And you will lose yours cause of this sick masterplan. Being from a ‘developed’ country wouldn’t help either. I am at least glad to let you know that I could die as unexpected as you after all, cause no one could ever stand up to it. The rules have been made and the only point where your life went wrong was the moment you were born – blame the place where you were born. Not yourself. I don’t know you, I don’t know what’s that you’re saying or what’s written on that board you’re carrying, I don’t even know what language you speak. But you are a human being, and therefore you are amazing. And I feel sorry for you and for me and for us all. Rest in peace.’
I want you to look at these pictures.. and tell me how they make you feel. You can cry if you want to, say, or do anything. I am not here to stop you. But please look at these pictures. What do you see? Do you recognise anything? Anything at all? Who is that person who appears in every single one of them? Who does that violin belong to? Who lives in that room? What do you know about that fountain? Who arranged those socks on the table and what does it read? Can you remember? Who was that person who sent all these pictures?
Look at them and tell me..
Are you afraid?
Do you see him?
Do you want to know more?
He’s closer than you think. Him, but not the truth, no. Between him and that stands something too big for you to overcome.
Now look at this particular one. Look at his face. Ignore the reactions of your body and mind the brain. What do you feel..?
I am well aware of the fact that ever single human being is actually alone through their suffering, happiness, and eventually death. This is why I’m asking you to prevent people from acting like they care or have any intentions to be there for other people when they obviously don’t.
Honestly, it’s disappointing and useless and we should stop doing that. Thank you very much.
I’ve had some health problems lately which have actually resulted in me doing something productive for my brain, something I’d wanted to do in a long time. Basically, I just isolated myself and watched about 4 documentaries and 2 movies a day. Yes, yes, that is possible. If you get outta the room only when you need to go pee or grab a snack, it is possible. And it’s gold for the brain. In this intoxicated world.. it’s like living in the mountains for a month eating nothing but harvested food.
It does have some drawbacks though. I eventually had to get out of this blissful state and get back to.. go figure, the real world. Now THAT was horrifying. I am utterly fed up with all these trivial things that surround me, it is d-i-s-g-u-s-t-i-n-g. I’m starting to believe there’s some area in my brain that records rubbish-no-one-really-needs-but-everyone-seems-to-love and I feel that area’s overloading as I speak. I just can’t take it anymore. I wanna go to another country, another continent, I’m willing to give away all the technology I have hold of in exchange of Life. Pure, raw, life indeed. I need that.
It also bothers me that people who really have no clue what my mind is about (not cause I’m incredibly smart, but cause they’re unbelievably stupid) have the nerve to think I’m arrogant or that I feel superior to them. Well.. amazingly, I do feel I’m above 80% of the population, and they should have the decency to feel inferior to smart, thinking people, but obviously they’re too ignorant to see that. They think admitting someone’s better than them is humiliating, whoa. But anyway, my hatred for stupidity has again gone too far.
I feel saturated by the media, the ads, the songs that would make any reasonable person’s ears bleed, the cheap brainwashing methods from hypermarkets to global rubbish that actually succeed in manipulating most of us.. And you’d think locking yourself up and refusing to talk to anyone is abnormal. I might be paranoid or over-thinking stuff but if I am it’s only because I believe someone in this world has to do the thinking, even if it’s only a tenth of the 7 billions, if the rest won’t.
I know it’s not very pleasant to read someone’s rants but that’s why I made this thing – its role is to bear with everything that goes through my mind. And sadly, it’s not exactly what you’d call inspiring, although those documentaries gave a great insight of what I’m truly interested in and I feel up to date with philosophical matters now. I recommend doing this to everyone who wants an escape and can’t afford to go away on vacation. :)
Squeaky Voices and Creaking Floors 