The Decision

I’m confused as hell and all I know is that I want to talk to him, I have to do it. It’s about.. it’s about getting on with my life, nothing else.. I have to give it closure, and I’m thinking of ways I could do that. I didn’t talk to anyone about it cause well, no one would approve and I’m sick of advice and opinions. People know fuck all about how you’re feeling in some situations so nevermind them and their thoughts when they can hardly relate to anything that’s been happening to you.

That’s the reason I’ll just go on with it without saying a word to anyone, and yes, I’m scared and had some panic attacks cause this has taken over my head seriously over the past days, it probably added to the shitty mood I’ve been in and.. Yeah, I felt I was going mad looking at two pictures with two completely different persons and trying to make connections.

Funny how the human brain works – if it believes something is real, then that’s all that exists. I dunno, it’s so.. easy to influence.. Everything happens only in our brains, that’s all we know, not the reality. We have no clue about the reality. For example I thought someone for someone else for almost 2 years and now I find it impossible to switch figures and replace that person with.. who he really is. It’s just .. it can’t be, it’s like a massive virus that I can’t get rid of without reinstalling Windows, and my brain is obviously not an operating system. That’s the thing with computers, they’re human-like but have something humans don’t. They can start over..

SO yeah, I’ll just do it, there’s no turning back. I wonder if He would understand, if I told him.. Well, I obviously won’t, but still.. would he be mad? disappointed.. or jealous? Would he think I’m crazy? Most people would think I am, but I’m a bit like those characters in horror movies who just follow the voices and open doors without thinking they might get killed. Except I know I won’t get killed – he’s not THAT psycho. That’s why I say people don’t know shit about this story – everyone believes he’s dangerous but he’s not. He could never be – I know him. Or at least, I know what he’s up to and capable of..

May be weird, but I’ll do it, I’ve been pondering too much over it and I reached a conclusion.


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