I’d like to tell myself I never wanted to see what you look like. I’d like to tell myself I didn’t look up your profile as soon as I knew your real name. I’d like to say I didn’t specifically searched for your name in the first place. .. Thom..
I’d like to tell myself I just saw your profile once, and I never came back. That I never messaged you cause I found it useless. I’d like to tell myself I don’t check up on you every now and then.

I would like to tell myself the same thing I say to others. I’d like to be that rational, that.. that strong. That determined. I am not. I’m emotional and impulsive and I hate it. I’d like it all to have been different.

I still can’t believe this whole thing, maybe that’s why I always come back, duno. It’s unreal.

I’d like to tell myself I got over it, that I could accept it, that I forgave you in the end, I understood. I didn’t. I suck at this. I couldn’t ever resist you. It’s been two years of you messing with my brain now.  Meditation, psychology, calm, theories, teachings, patience, ration, EVERYTHING falls apart when it comes to you.

 
Everything.


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